B tells J bedtime stories

[lionsarelambs]

1. There were giants... Really Big Giants. (How big?) Bigger than any giant you've seen before. And they were throwing rocks... (How big were the rocks?) Bigger than this house. But the giants, when they wanted to hit you with a rock, they had to not want to hit you, and if they wanted to hit you they couldn't. There were three people: a old man... he was fast for his age; a girl; and a boy. They needed to go past the giants to get to the castle to talk to the Prince. They knew that they giants had to want to him them so you know what they did? The boy hit they feet of the giants with a stick. The giants got angry and they wanted to hit them but they missed. The three people made it to the castle to talk to the Prince but it turns out that the Prince was actually a Princess. And they was a dog there and he started talking and everyone was like "What the fuck, dogs don't talk in any movie I've seen." (Movie..?) and the Princess ate the dog and the three people left. And the giants? You know how they missed the people? Well, they ended up hitting each other and they fell. And when the people tried to go home they couldn't because they couldn't find their homes. (Did the giants fall on their homes?) Yeah, they giants fell on their homes. And in their world they have this rule that you need a home... You can't enter buildings if you don't have a home. So these people, they were fated to spend the rest of their lives, homeless, living outside.

Now tell me the one about the serpent....

2. Well, there was this serpent. He wasn't gay or a lesbian... Or straight. He didn't like boy serpents or girl serpents. Who he liked was this girl... A human girl. But his serpent penis was too small so you know what he did? He swam inside her vagina and then spat all of her semen in her. Then he latched himself on her. And that is how the first man came to be.

I kid you not, these are actually stories Billy told me to help me fall asleep.
(I <3 you, bb. You make me laugh :])