Andrew, Kenny, Mark, and Jack at Hogwarts
ANDREW
What the hell are you two morons blathering about?
KENNY
We were talking about Harry Potter.
ANDREW
Christ, again?
MARK
Of course. Do we ever talk about anything else?
JACK
What more is there for you two to talk about?
MARK
We were talking about our lives in the wizarding world.
ANDREW
… What the hell?
KENNY
Don’t act like you’ve never sorted yourself.
ANDREW
I can’t say that I have.
MARK
Then let us elucidate.
[cut to: the Hogwarts castle. Andrew, Kenny, Mark, and Jack are standing in the Great Hall in Slytherin, Gryffindor, and Hufflepuff robes respectively.]
ANDREW
Whoa, whoa… Why the hell am I a Slytherin?
KENNY
‘Cause you’re a dick.
ANDREW
That’s bullshit. I don’t want to be a Slytherin.
MARK
You can’t fight what you are.
ANDREW
Like you’re a Gryffindor, you pansy-ass?
MARK
You can be something else if I still get to be Gryffindor.
[Jack exits and comes back with the Sorting Hat.]
JACK
You’re all so stupid.
KENNY
You don’t think you’re going to change, do you, Jack?
JACK
What, just because I’m nice I have to be a Hufflepuff?
[Jack places the hat on his head]
JACK
Hufflepuff is the house of hard workers, and, as we all know, I’m the laziest of us all… Well, except for Kenny.
KENNY
Hey!
HAT
‘RAVENCLAW!’
[Jack’s robes change from Hufflepuff to Ravenclaw with a small ‘pop’]
MARK
No way! What did the hat tell you?
JACK
That I’m way smarter than any of you jerks give me credit for.
MARK
[grabs the hat]
Gimme that.
[Mark places the hat on his head]
JACK
The hat tells the truth, Mark.
MARK
Harry asked to be in Gryffindor; that’s what I’ll do.
JACK
Okay, A) that’s cheating, and B) you can’t be some pansy who’s afraid of cheese-slicers and ask to be in Gryffindor.
HAT
‘SLYTHERIN!’
[Mark’s robes change from Gryffindor to Slytherin with a small ‘pop.’ Andrew starts laughing hysterically.]
MARK
I’m set in tradition and anti-authority?! This hat is bullshit! I demand a recount!
[Kenny grabs the hat and shoves it on his head]
ANDREW
I hope you come out a Slytherin too, jack ass.
HAT
‘GRYFFINDOR!’
MARK
Unfair! I’ve been victimized!
KENNY
Active and enthusiastic to the point of stupidity. To what cost have I remained in my house?
ANDREW
The lament of a stupid Gryffindor.
[Kenny takes off the hat and makes a reach for Andrew. The hat doesn’t even touch Andrew’s head before it makes its decision.]
HAT
‘HUFFLEPUFF!’
[Jack, Mark, and Kenny start laughing.]
ANDREW
Oh, what the hell?
KENNY
All work and no play makes you a Hufflepuff, jack ass!
ANDREW
Please! I play…
KENNY
With yourself. Because no one’s awake by the time you get done with all of your work!
MARK
Slytherin, my ass…
JACK
It makes sense.
MARK
I’ll have none of your remarks.
JACK
Resourcefulness, you’ve lied to a teacher more than once to get your way… I’m sure you’re pure of blood.
MARK
Yeah. Right.
JACK
Well, half way, anyway. If you’re looking at it as a metaphor for wanting a pure Christian society rather than a pure wizard society, you actually would be a pureblood.
MARK
Huh.
JACK
As far as the metaphor is concerned I’m a filthy mudblood, and Kenny…?
KENNY
I think my mom was a Christian convert or something…
JACK
So Kenny’s a halfblood.
ANDREW
Why have you thought about this?
JACK
I dunno.
MARK
Huh. So, how old are we?
KENNY
Same age we are now.
MARK
Cool, I’m a fifth year.
JACK
Cool. OWLS.
MARK
… Damn it.
KENY
Second, you’re born after the first of September.
MARK
Aw, I’m a fourth year?
JACK
I’m a third year. Great…
ANDREW
So, I’m a seventh year.
KENNY
And I’m sixth.
MARK
Fu-cking great.
KENNY
Oh, man. I bet I’m on the Quidditch team!
ANDREW
You have never played sports in your life.
KENNY
‘cause none of them are as awesome as Quidditch!
ANDREW
At least it won’t hit if you take a bludger to your big, fat Gryffindor head.
KENNY
Man, I’m buff enough I could be any position.
JACK
I call seeker for Ravenclaw.
KENNY
No one else is in Ravenclaw.
JACK
I still totally call it.
KENNY
Imma pick… I’m gonna be Keeper.
MARK
I’ll be commentator.
ANDREW
And I’ll be in the library.
MARK
No, you’ll be sitting in the stands with me.
ANDREW
Like I’d really hang out with a fourth year Slytherin.
MARK
You may just be the meanest Hufflepuff in existence.
ANDREW
I am what I am.
[the Great Hall animates around them. Some Slytherin pushes by them.]
SS
Move it!
ANDREW
How long are we going to be in this fantasy?
KENNY
Until we say stop.
ANDREW
When will that be?
KENNY
When you have less than one hundred percent in all of your classes.
ANDREW
You dick.
[Andrew goes to sit with the Hufflepuffs, as does everyone with their respective houses.]