Let's Make Social Progress in a Meaningless, Frivolous Way
**I would just throw this on my Facebook, but I'd like it to be searchable, so I'm throwing it here and linking it there. If you think this is as valid as I think it is, I implore you to not be shy about crossposting it. Because I think this is one of those MAKE THEM LISTEN! MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND! things. I think it needs to be said, even though it's pretty trivial.
HOW TO FACEBOOK
or microblog, in general
I'm sure everyone's, whether they'll admit it or not, gotten fed up at some point with someone that didn't Get It. Well, I'm fed up. I'm sick of hearing people on the street wonder aloud why someone would post something so insignificant as to involve nothing but their everyday life, and I'm sick of people omitting their everyday life from their updates, because believe it or fucking not that's what I added you to read about. Let's get something straight: your life, all parts big and small, is what social media is about.
It's about what's on your mind. It even says so, in the dialogue box right at the top of your Facebook feed. What's on your mind? Have something to say? Say it, because we're your friends and we're listening. By stamping your name on a piece of social media, you may not have gotten on stage, but you at least picked up a phone, so to speak. It's a conversation - with all your friends, all the time. You know that lyric 'and if you've got nothing that's clever to say, nobody's listening to you anyway'? Well, now we're all listening, and you don't have to be clever.
However, you do have to realize a few things - as in conversation, following a single mode of commentary won't get you far. That's like only using one attack in Mortal Kombat: it sucks, and you lose. Avoid being these people:
×The News Anchor
“Omfg, so sunny!!” “GO [INSERT TEAM]!” “Snow.”
You know what? You're encroaching on a field of professionals that can do the same thing you're doing, with fancy graphics, while all dressed up. Or, with fancy graphics, in a convenient app. Either way you're outbudgeted and outclassed, so keep the sports segment and the weather on the news.
×Ophelia
“I have the best significant other in the world!” “I can't do this anymore...” “My significant other is an assortment of adjectives.”
Everyone's heard anything you could possibly post on this issue before, and is probably getting you mixed up with other people because it's the only thing you talk about. You know how they say you should shout your love from the mountaintops? MOUNTAINTOPS. Not Facebook. Also, not Twitter.
×The DJ
“Can we pretend airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars?” “I'm just a curbside prophet, with my hand in my pocket, waiting for my rocket to come.” “I drew a line, I drew a line for you, what a thing to do, it was all yellow.”
Get out. My iPod has this market cornered. With better music than fucking Coldplay, thank you.
×The Social Secretary
“It's Friday!” “It's Monday!” “This event, which I am not affiliated with but may be attending or may have a child who is attending, is happening on a day at a time!”
Again, get out. The market's been cornered already. I'm happy it's Friday too - I'm probably watching a mashup of Friday the 13th clips set to a Rebecca Black Remix. But I'm not shocked that it's Friday or particularly fascinated by the fact. Same goes for Monday. Moreover, this isn't your Google calendar. Unless someone's in your entourage they probably don't need your itinerary. [Just to be clear, this doesn't apply to Check-ins or RSVP's.]
×The Charity Worker
“Adopt this animal, pleeeeeaaaaaaasssseeeeee with tears and sorrow on top?” “SHIT, a missing kid!” “Pray for [country]!”
Chances are, headlines about distressed areas/peoples were in my inbox, on my news client of choice's app, and on my homepage before I even took the time to look at your update. I care already. You don't have to make me care. Relax. I care about animals, too. If I have the means and desire to adopt one, you can bet I will, and you can bet it's not your job to make that happen. Lastly: Google your missing kid before you post an urgent cry for his or her help. Make sure it's not a practical joke that got out of hand. That's embarrassing for all parties involved. Let's avoid it.
×The Lurker
“____________” “_____” “___________________”
SAY SOMETHING. Can we talk, please? Let's have a cool conversation. We can discuss anything you want. We're friends with you because we want to keep up with you, not because we want to list your name next to some other names in the column labeled 'Friends.' If you never say anything to me and you never post anything for me to talk to you about, you are making a mockery of our theoretically beautiful would-be relationship. If you think you have nothing to say, you're deluding yourself. I bet you say stuff all the time. I bet you even think stuff. Well, this is the same type of thing. Express an emotion. Share an interesting fact. Ask a question.
The thing is, most of these above listed things are fine to do if you don't do a particular one or two all the time. If you do all these things in just about equal numbers, then damn, you're almost three-dimensional! A little bland maybe, but not bad.
That doesn't really sound good though, does it? It's not really fun for you, and it's not really fun for your friends. It's I-Think-I-Left-the-Oven-On Friendship. How do we win?
Same way you win with anything written: go into detail. I'm gonna go ahead and be that asshole that reminds you to 'show, not tell' right now. Is your significant other a-freaking-dorable? Prove it. What did he or she do to make you say that? How about those lyrics you just posted - why not link to the video they go to, if there is one? Or if you just happen to love the band, link to their site or one of their videos, or make a playlist for your friends to download. Sharing is caring. Are you headed to a cool event? Well, in that case you should probably just RSVP, but if you're gonna say more say something fun. Who are you going with? Is there a particular part you're excited for?
Let me touch on one other thing: banality can be cured with a little personality. I'm sure you have a personality. “Cup O' Noodle is my guilty pleasure” is better than “Cup O' Noodle for lunch, guys.”
Did I offend you? Yeah, I figured that would happen with some of you. Don't be shy, tell me about it. Just don't expect an apology. Also, if you think any of this is targeted specifically to you, it's not. This is more of a cry for help. It's a plea for mercy. I'm begging the entire world to be better at sharing themselves in soundbites, because I like that type of thing. Selfish? Absolutely. A little shameless, too. But you don't need to tell me that.
This is an automatic crosspost from Dreamwidth because I joined the future. Throw your comments there if you want to → The Future
HOW TO FACEBOOK
or microblog, in general
I'm sure everyone's, whether they'll admit it or not, gotten fed up at some point with someone that didn't Get It. Well, I'm fed up. I'm sick of hearing people on the street wonder aloud why someone would post something so insignificant as to involve nothing but their everyday life, and I'm sick of people omitting their everyday life from their updates, because believe it or fucking not that's what I added you to read about. Let's get something straight: your life, all parts big and small, is what social media is about.
It's about what's on your mind. It even says so, in the dialogue box right at the top of your Facebook feed. What's on your mind? Have something to say? Say it, because we're your friends and we're listening. By stamping your name on a piece of social media, you may not have gotten on stage, but you at least picked up a phone, so to speak. It's a conversation - with all your friends, all the time. You know that lyric 'and if you've got nothing that's clever to say, nobody's listening to you anyway'? Well, now we're all listening, and you don't have to be clever.
However, you do have to realize a few things - as in conversation, following a single mode of commentary won't get you far. That's like only using one attack in Mortal Kombat: it sucks, and you lose. Avoid being these people:
×The News Anchor
“Omfg, so sunny!!” “GO [INSERT TEAM]!” “Snow.”
You know what? You're encroaching on a field of professionals that can do the same thing you're doing, with fancy graphics, while all dressed up. Or, with fancy graphics, in a convenient app. Either way you're outbudgeted and outclassed, so keep the sports segment and the weather on the news.
×Ophelia
“I have the best significant other in the world!” “I can't do this anymore...” “My significant other is an assortment of adjectives.”
Everyone's heard anything you could possibly post on this issue before, and is probably getting you mixed up with other people because it's the only thing you talk about. You know how they say you should shout your love from the mountaintops? MOUNTAINTOPS. Not Facebook. Also, not Twitter.
×The DJ
“Can we pretend airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars?” “I'm just a curbside prophet, with my hand in my pocket, waiting for my rocket to come.” “I drew a line, I drew a line for you, what a thing to do, it was all yellow.”
Get out. My iPod has this market cornered. With better music than fucking Coldplay, thank you.
×The Social Secretary
“It's Friday!” “It's Monday!” “This event, which I am not affiliated with but may be attending or may have a child who is attending, is happening on a day at a time!”
Again, get out. The market's been cornered already. I'm happy it's Friday too - I'm probably watching a mashup of Friday the 13th clips set to a Rebecca Black Remix. But I'm not shocked that it's Friday or particularly fascinated by the fact. Same goes for Monday. Moreover, this isn't your Google calendar. Unless someone's in your entourage they probably don't need your itinerary. [Just to be clear, this doesn't apply to Check-ins or RSVP's.]
×The Charity Worker
“Adopt this animal, pleeeeeaaaaaaasssseeeeee with tears and sorrow on top?” “SHIT, a missing kid!” “Pray for [country]!”
Chances are, headlines about distressed areas/peoples were in my inbox, on my news client of choice's app, and on my homepage before I even took the time to look at your update. I care already. You don't have to make me care. Relax. I care about animals, too. If I have the means and desire to adopt one, you can bet I will, and you can bet it's not your job to make that happen. Lastly: Google your missing kid before you post an urgent cry for his or her help. Make sure it's not a practical joke that got out of hand. That's embarrassing for all parties involved. Let's avoid it.
×The Lurker
“____________” “_____” “___________________”
SAY SOMETHING. Can we talk, please? Let's have a cool conversation. We can discuss anything you want. We're friends with you because we want to keep up with you, not because we want to list your name next to some other names in the column labeled 'Friends.' If you never say anything to me and you never post anything for me to talk to you about, you are making a mockery of our theoretically beautiful would-be relationship. If you think you have nothing to say, you're deluding yourself. I bet you say stuff all the time. I bet you even think stuff. Well, this is the same type of thing. Express an emotion. Share an interesting fact. Ask a question.
The thing is, most of these above listed things are fine to do if you don't do a particular one or two all the time. If you do all these things in just about equal numbers, then damn, you're almost three-dimensional! A little bland maybe, but not bad.
That doesn't really sound good though, does it? It's not really fun for you, and it's not really fun for your friends. It's I-Think-I-Left-the-Oven-On Friendship. How do we win?
Same way you win with anything written: go into detail. I'm gonna go ahead and be that asshole that reminds you to 'show, not tell' right now. Is your significant other a-freaking-dorable? Prove it. What did he or she do to make you say that? How about those lyrics you just posted - why not link to the video they go to, if there is one? Or if you just happen to love the band, link to their site or one of their videos, or make a playlist for your friends to download. Sharing is caring. Are you headed to a cool event? Well, in that case you should probably just RSVP, but if you're gonna say more say something fun. Who are you going with? Is there a particular part you're excited for?
Let me touch on one other thing: banality can be cured with a little personality. I'm sure you have a personality. “Cup O' Noodle is my guilty pleasure” is better than “Cup O' Noodle for lunch, guys.”
Did I offend you? Yeah, I figured that would happen with some of you. Don't be shy, tell me about it. Just don't expect an apology. Also, if you think any of this is targeted specifically to you, it's not. This is more of a cry for help. It's a plea for mercy. I'm begging the entire world to be better at sharing themselves in soundbites, because I like that type of thing. Selfish? Absolutely. A little shameless, too. But you don't need to tell me that.
This is an automatic crosspost from Dreamwidth because I joined the future. Throw your comments there if you want to → The Future