this town was built on miles of hope and i dare you to give me one reason to stay....
who, or what, are friends?
its a mindboggling concept to me at this point in time.
first, lets examine the fact that i moved into an apartment containing, an unofficial count, of 7 other people. Jeff Bell, Terrence, Josh, Jon Ross, Matt Wanders, Jesse and Jesses girlfriend Steff.
when i moved in, i hadn't seen jesse in properly two years and was basically informed over that course of time that he was basically a complete asshole.
great, i was sharing the living room with him. that oughta go well.
i couldn't have been more wrong. what the hell? jesses the most rational and down to earth one in the house for christ sakes.
odd connections and disconnections in this house. theres so much tension at all hours between everyone over the stupidest most avoidable shit imaginable.
secondly, the emerson crew. the band broke up and disbanded for good now. will i see half of those kids again? i often wonder.
thirdly, my ex girlfriend. i think about her all the time. not in a oh wow do i miss her love her whatever way. more of a i wonder what ever happened to her way, even though we sortof stay in touch. i constantly wonder about her doing drugs. it kind of makes me sick. i pretty much assume shes at least tried coke. i dont know why. a gut feeling i guess. the only time she ever really tries to get in touch is when he boyfriend is making her miserable. i wonder how often he does that. if i am her go to crutch and it just doesnt happen often or if im somewhere further down the list. best used at 3am when all other normal well functioning friends would be long asleep.
im losing my mind doing nothing all day everyday.
i find it odd and strangly comforting that the people i connect with best are the people i see least often of all. namely lloyd. we have an interesting repoire me and that one. i hope our extent of contact continues past college.
people from high school like jesse finnegan. people i havent seen since the day we graduated. people i drop occasional lines to every couple months. i wonder how often, if ever, i cross their minds.
maybe i should move to new york city. im feeling the need to go somewhere and got lost for a few months. i wont do it, but maybe i should.
"how many more nights and weird mornings can this terrible shit go on? how long can the body and brain tolerate this doom-struck craziness? this grinding of teeth, this pouring of sweat, this pounding of blood in the temples... small blue veins gone amok in front of the ears, sixty and seventy hours with no sleep."
maybe i just need a reconnection. haven't seen christina in over 2 years. i think its nearing 3 perhaps. it would be this month.
havent seen amy since last summer.
havent seen some good people in forever. maybe never again?
"and it costs so much i know. but i guess i need to know what it would it would have felt like to be right. but i'm getting tired all over again so hurry up and get here because i'm still waiting... just like i've always been. i'm getting tired of standing around, just sitting here and waiting to be found. same old shit just different day. i'll wait around for one more day but i know that's what i will always say. will this ever be o.k.?"
maybe i just need to be back in a hotel bed with kristen. i can shut my brain off for a while and not have to worry about my crippling fears and anxieties. i dont know how or why she puts up with me.
maybe i need a long talk with john. maybe i need to go somewhere where i have nothing to fall back on but myself. i fear i cant stay here much longer.
"in a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. in a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity."
flee. flee. flee.
its a mindboggling concept to me at this point in time.
first, lets examine the fact that i moved into an apartment containing, an unofficial count, of 7 other people. Jeff Bell, Terrence, Josh, Jon Ross, Matt Wanders, Jesse and Jesses girlfriend Steff.
when i moved in, i hadn't seen jesse in properly two years and was basically informed over that course of time that he was basically a complete asshole.
great, i was sharing the living room with him. that oughta go well.
i couldn't have been more wrong. what the hell? jesses the most rational and down to earth one in the house for christ sakes.
odd connections and disconnections in this house. theres so much tension at all hours between everyone over the stupidest most avoidable shit imaginable.
secondly, the emerson crew. the band broke up and disbanded for good now. will i see half of those kids again? i often wonder.
thirdly, my ex girlfriend. i think about her all the time. not in a oh wow do i miss her love her whatever way. more of a i wonder what ever happened to her way, even though we sortof stay in touch. i constantly wonder about her doing drugs. it kind of makes me sick. i pretty much assume shes at least tried coke. i dont know why. a gut feeling i guess. the only time she ever really tries to get in touch is when he boyfriend is making her miserable. i wonder how often he does that. if i am her go to crutch and it just doesnt happen often or if im somewhere further down the list. best used at 3am when all other normal well functioning friends would be long asleep.
im losing my mind doing nothing all day everyday.
i find it odd and strangly comforting that the people i connect with best are the people i see least often of all. namely lloyd. we have an interesting repoire me and that one. i hope our extent of contact continues past college.
people from high school like jesse finnegan. people i havent seen since the day we graduated. people i drop occasional lines to every couple months. i wonder how often, if ever, i cross their minds.
maybe i should move to new york city. im feeling the need to go somewhere and got lost for a few months. i wont do it, but maybe i should.
"how many more nights and weird mornings can this terrible shit go on? how long can the body and brain tolerate this doom-struck craziness? this grinding of teeth, this pouring of sweat, this pounding of blood in the temples... small blue veins gone amok in front of the ears, sixty and seventy hours with no sleep."
maybe i just need a reconnection. haven't seen christina in over 2 years. i think its nearing 3 perhaps. it would be this month.
havent seen amy since last summer.
havent seen some good people in forever. maybe never again?
"and it costs so much i know. but i guess i need to know what it would it would have felt like to be right. but i'm getting tired all over again so hurry up and get here because i'm still waiting... just like i've always been. i'm getting tired of standing around, just sitting here and waiting to be found. same old shit just different day. i'll wait around for one more day but i know that's what i will always say. will this ever be o.k.?"
maybe i just need to be back in a hotel bed with kristen. i can shut my brain off for a while and not have to worry about my crippling fears and anxieties. i dont know how or why she puts up with me.
maybe i need a long talk with john. maybe i need to go somewhere where i have nothing to fall back on but myself. i fear i cant stay here much longer.
"in a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. in a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity."
flee. flee. flee.