Great... another great day...
Well, there were a few entries i wanted to write concerning Rachel, but she kind of told me some news that well, pretty much negates the point of writing those entries about her anymore for the past few days I've missed on updating this LJ. And the primary reason I was updating this LJ was for her, but she has a new boyfriend now, so I don't know how often this LJ will remain updated, to the very select few who continue to read this, Rachel being the most interested in this journal.
So let's update what's pretty much been going on for me the past few weeks...
Lately I've been just... well, since Cherly dumped me I just lost all interest in girls except for Rachel, something about her looks and personality made it appealing - only in her case - that well... any girl is sexy or cute.... and after hearing this 'bombshell' of a news, I just can't think of girls anymore. I guess the constant rejection, being dumped or whatever happened with Rachel that's still haunted me since when I was with her and Grace, and then the whole back-stabbing with Cherly in that she totally forgot about me even as friends because she had a more interesting and likeable guy... I honestly have been doubting myself as anything of worth to any girls. I'm so out of touch with being a romantic now, I'm pretty much alone in my interests and hobbies (Grace likes them somewhat, and Rachel had said before she would watch some stuff with me, but with her busy life and now a guy in her life just like the last time, I doubt she'll have any time for that anymore) now. I guess I just give up, the type of girl I like is Rachel, with a witty personality and just is smart and cute and... that's the type of girl I've always looked for, but that type of girl would never go for a guy like me, they have a million other choices, and she made hers, and I honestly am very happy for her and will continue to be her friend.
She was the only person I ever really flirted with though, which I miss so much. I don't roleplay anymore since Cherly is out of the scene... and it's just me being alone now tonight. I honestly can't help but cry, I haven't been this down since... sheesh. before I met Cherly and was depressed for 2 years or so, and Grace wants me to see a doctor, but I'm resisting.. I guess a part of me things 'well, it's just hiding the symptoms of that I'm just not that likeable'.... I just am not going to be depressed with girls in terms of relationships anymore, why bother with them when a luckless guy like me has zero chance in the world.
Sadly, I'm not going to be visiting Rachel anytime soon, I was going to visit her so she could decide about where she wants to go when she moves out, but with another guy in the picture... it's just like last time when she was with her ex... I just don't feel comfortable taking her time away from someone else she loves or likes very much, there's not much room for a fifth wheel like me, that's how I honestly feel. Shame too, was the only thing I was looking forward too, was thinking of doing it for Christmas, but I guess it's just me staying home again alone.
Ahh that reminds me I do need to mail Rachel the souvenirs I picked up on my holiday trip this past summer... I was mainly shopping for gifts for Rachel, got a few things for her birthday/birthstone over Cherly cause well... I liked Rachel way more than Cherly even when me and her were close. If you're reading this Rachel, I'm sorry I'm really bad at mailing stuff, sometimes this weekend I'll see if I can get a box and ship it out and not be lazy.
So yeah, that's pretty much the 'big' things in life, was thinking of asking Grace for help in writing and posting an embedded LJ review of some anime I'm watching and put my video capping skills to use and write about something I like for a change. I can't sleep tonight so most likely I'll be up all night.. and I got work tomorrow.. meh...
*Note - Well spoke to Rachel after I wrote this, left in semi-good spirits, I don't want her depressed or anything... and I would never wish anything bad on her nor do I want to guilt her or anything. She's my friend, first and foremost and I care about her, that never will change. I wished her a goodnight and I hope all goes well with her boyfriend, and she said hey things may change... and if it does heh... well it is not like i have any long waiting lists of girls wanting to see me, I'll be available forever it seems. She still makes me crack a smile when she talks with me, so I'll head off with that. I pray for the best for her, and myself I'm just not really going to worry about it anymore.
So let's update what's pretty much been going on for me the past few weeks...
- Week 1 (four weeks ago) - Injured my right arm on duty at work, had to take several days off and see a doctor about it
- Week 2 (three weeks ago) - Came back to work, was in a sling the entire time and unable to lift things
- Week 3 (last week) - Got deathly sick, had to miss most of the week due to some sort of cold/flu going around the school knocking people off their feet
- Week 4 (this week) - Got acute tendinitis in my left arm, was out of work and saw a doctor, thought I honestly was having a heart attack, and I tell you sitting for close to two hours in a doctor's room waiting for them to prepare a single need to inject as far as they could into my shoulder... I was really scared, and the only reason I made it through was thinking of Rachel and wishing she was there. Silly isn't it? Anyway I came back with my doctor's note that said I can't lift things, and my Principal's secretary told me yesterday (Thursday) that the school is under no obligation to accommodate me because it happened off campus and that I need to take a leave of absence for the next 2 weeks (effectively giving me a month off of work). I said fine sure sounds great, not exactly POOR like some teachers, heh. Got called back in to work to have it cleared up, not sure if the Principal was upset with me too much, because I was ordered off but I didn't ask him about it since it came through his designee and didn't think I should question her about 'policy and procedure'. So this week has been pretty much suck except for Friday, which was actually a NORMAL WORK DAY with no crap or politics or injuries or depressing thoughts on my part, and Rachel had told me last night she had good news for me, which I suspected wasn't true and it was probably - with my 'fantastic luck' - something bad again. Well you know what? The Wright Family Curse once again kicks my ass, and it's just more of how things never go my way.
Lately I've been just... well, since Cherly dumped me I just lost all interest in girls except for Rachel, something about her looks and personality made it appealing - only in her case - that well... any girl is sexy or cute.... and after hearing this 'bombshell' of a news, I just can't think of girls anymore. I guess the constant rejection, being dumped or whatever happened with Rachel that's still haunted me since when I was with her and Grace, and then the whole back-stabbing with Cherly in that she totally forgot about me even as friends because she had a more interesting and likeable guy... I honestly have been doubting myself as anything of worth to any girls. I'm so out of touch with being a romantic now, I'm pretty much alone in my interests and hobbies (Grace likes them somewhat, and Rachel had said before she would watch some stuff with me, but with her busy life and now a guy in her life just like the last time, I doubt she'll have any time for that anymore) now. I guess I just give up, the type of girl I like is Rachel, with a witty personality and just is smart and cute and... that's the type of girl I've always looked for, but that type of girl would never go for a guy like me, they have a million other choices, and she made hers, and I honestly am very happy for her and will continue to be her friend.
She was the only person I ever really flirted with though, which I miss so much. I don't roleplay anymore since Cherly is out of the scene... and it's just me being alone now tonight. I honestly can't help but cry, I haven't been this down since... sheesh. before I met Cherly and was depressed for 2 years or so, and Grace wants me to see a doctor, but I'm resisting.. I guess a part of me things 'well, it's just hiding the symptoms of that I'm just not that likeable'.... I just am not going to be depressed with girls in terms of relationships anymore, why bother with them when a luckless guy like me has zero chance in the world.
Sadly, I'm not going to be visiting Rachel anytime soon, I was going to visit her so she could decide about where she wants to go when she moves out, but with another guy in the picture... it's just like last time when she was with her ex... I just don't feel comfortable taking her time away from someone else she loves or likes very much, there's not much room for a fifth wheel like me, that's how I honestly feel. Shame too, was the only thing I was looking forward too, was thinking of doing it for Christmas, but I guess it's just me staying home again alone.
Ahh that reminds me I do need to mail Rachel the souvenirs I picked up on my holiday trip this past summer... I was mainly shopping for gifts for Rachel, got a few things for her birthday/birthstone over Cherly cause well... I liked Rachel way more than Cherly even when me and her were close. If you're reading this Rachel, I'm sorry I'm really bad at mailing stuff, sometimes this weekend I'll see if I can get a box and ship it out and not be lazy.
So yeah, that's pretty much the 'big' things in life, was thinking of asking Grace for help in writing and posting an embedded LJ review of some anime I'm watching and put my video capping skills to use and write about something I like for a change. I can't sleep tonight so most likely I'll be up all night.. and I got work tomorrow.. meh...
*Note - Well spoke to Rachel after I wrote this, left in semi-good spirits, I don't want her depressed or anything... and I would never wish anything bad on her nor do I want to guilt her or anything. She's my friend, first and foremost and I care about her, that never will change. I wished her a goodnight and I hope all goes well with her boyfriend, and she said hey things may change... and if it does heh... well it is not like i have any long waiting lists of girls wanting to see me, I'll be available forever it seems. She still makes me crack a smile when she talks with me, so I'll head off with that. I pray for the best for her, and myself I'm just not really going to worry about it anymore.