Spork of Episode Nine and Three-Quarters-Chapter 1
Chapter 1-Everyone blames Jonouchi
Okay.
This is my first time ever sporking, after following Das_Mervin for two years. I really wanted to try this out, since I absolutely LOVE badfic and badmovies. You have no fucking idea. So, I picked a nostalgic badfic. Yes, I used to like this. Yes, I like the author, she genuinely meant well. But that will not make me merciful. You put your shit on the internet, and I will spork it. Especially if characters are OOC, that is definetly my Beserk Button. Also, the angrier I get, the more filthy and vulgar I become.
Joining me in my quest for Sporking (when things get unbearable, and only as a last resort) is none other than Giovanni Giuseppe, A.K.A. James Jesse, A.K.A. The Trickster. A (reformed) supervillain from the Flash's Rouges Gallery, who is the most Glorious Asshole anyone has ever met. He is not aware of his predicament. Yet.
Be warned, I am very thorough, and ramble a lot. A lot. I hope that is okay with readers (if I have any) and I hope you will support me in my new endeavor.
Without further delay, let us begin.
Yugi Mutou lived in an average city, and was enjoying an average summer before going back to his average high school for his average sophomore year. That was about as average as Yugi’s life got, however. While other people simply dressed in the morning, not giving a second thought to the cloths and baubles they put on, Yugi was preoccupied with a certain puzzle hanging from a certain chain and wondering what certain kind of dangers it would bring him that day.
Actually, he never really thought that, his other self that inhabited the Millennium Puzzle did.
Okay, first problem. Something about that opening paragraph bugs me. I don't know what it is, I just know it needs a complete rewrite. It sounds clunky and choppy. But not bad for an opening paragraph, I suppose.
But the second paragraph throws me off. You just described the life of Yuugi Motou, and then said that it wasn't him, it was Yami. Maybe it's just me, but I have no idea what that means. (And yes, it is spelled "Yuugi Motou, if you're going for Japanese names, use them properly.)
Yugi scanned the cloths laid out on his bed, Because you see, Yuugi is a bondage slave, and cannot wear anything but rags trying to decide what he would wear that day. It was hot, as usual, so he did not want to wear all black like he normally tended to do. He did not want to wear his white and blue shirt either, though, as his best friend, Katsuya Jonouchi, usually wore a similar one in the summer. Finally settling on a pair of jeans and a light blue top, Yugi dressed himself and slipped on his Millennium Puzzle.
The slightly faded form of Yami Yugi appeared next to him almost immediately, stretching and yawning.
“’Morning, aibou,” he mumbled. Yugi chuckled at his other half.
STOP
Okay, several things. First, the audience does not give a damn about what Yuugi wears. It was used in his date with Anzu as comic relief, because the audience was aware of Yuugi's crush, and the fact that Yami was unaware of Yuugi's plan. Unless it is essential for plot, comic relief, setting, or characterization, we don't care what your character is wearing! It really isn't that hard to understand! Why does everyone do this? WE DON'T CARE
Second, it took three times for me to understand Yuugi's reason for not wearing a teeshirt similar to Jonouichi's. Again, very, very awkward phrasing. Restore/Retry/Fail?
And third, it is a personal pet peeve of mine when English writers incorporate Japanese phrases into English works. If the character is Japanese and lapses into their own language while talking to an English speaker, that's fine. But WHEN EVERYONE IS SPEAKING JAPANESE, IT IS TACKY AND UNNECESSARY. SO STOP.
Fourth, "slightly-faded," what did hyphens do to you?
And lastly, what the fuck was with the reasoning behind the colour choices? It was hot "like usual," so Yuugi didn't want to wear black clothing "like usual?" What the fuck does that even mean? EXPLAIN.
“Did you sleep well?” he asked, to which Yami Yugi shook his head. “Why not?”
A dark look suddenly over took his other half’s face. “I don’t know. I just have a bad feeling about today.”
Yugi frowned. “It’s not ‘insane maniac threatening to take over the universe’ kind of bad feeling, is it?”
“Well, no…”
“Good! Then lets go have some fun!”
Yugi grabbed his other half by the arm and tugged him out of the room. Yami Yugi disappeared back into the Millennium Puzzle before they entered the hallway outside, and just in time too. Yugi’s mother approached him before he made his way to the kitchen for breakfast, a small envelope in hand.
Now we need a fucking list.
1.) Technically, it's Yami-Yuugi. But I will let this pass, most of the fandom does this.
2.) This author has a serious problem with clunky dialogue. The characters sound like cardboard cut-outs. Editing is crucial to the writing process, ma'am.
3.) Yami's characterization is a little...uncanny valley, I suppose. I don't know, it's not anything concrete yet, but something about the way he's written is close enough to pass, but OOC enough to make my neck hairs stand on end.
4.) YAMI. IS. A. SPIRIT. He IS NOT TANGIBLE. YOU CANNOT TOUCH HIM. Why don't any authors realize this?! It's gotten to the point where just ANY mention of tangible spirits makes me pissed! And I don't dislike this author!
5.) A dash, rather than a period would have made that last sentence flow better.
6.) Yami the psychic! What was the reason for this? The audience is aware of the plot of the story. It does nothing to drive the plot. It does nothing to foreshadow because we already know. If you were going to use this as a reason for Yuugi and Yami mistrusting wizards, this could've worked. But you don't go with that. So what is the point? It does nothing for the story but eat up space! It's worth even less than the fucking clothing section! At least that, you could've argued, has a reason! Showing Yuugi's childish innocence, perhaps? BUT THIS MEANS NOTHING. WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?
“Yugi honey, this came for you,” she said, handing him the envelope before heading down the stairs next to his room to the game shop below. Yugi frowned at the seemingly innocent looking envelope in his hand. How odd for the mail to come so early!
What is it, aibou? Yami Yugi asked within his mind. It’s just a piece of mail.
I guess you’re right… Yugi began, only to have his frown deepen. Check out the address though!
Mr. Y. Mutou
The Bedroom next to the Stairs
Kame Game Shop
Domino City
Japan
Okay…Yami Yugi replied, a little freaked by the exactness of the address. That’s just a little on the odd side. Next thing you know, you’ll get another one marked ‘Mr. Y. Yugi, Millennium Puzzle, Kame Game Shop, Domino City, Japan’.
Very funny, Yugi remarked dryly, wondering where his other half got a sense of humor while turning the envelope over in his hands. There was no return address on it; no other markings except a strange wax seal on the back, which consisted of an “H” surrounded by four different animals.
Something you all should know is that I love good crossover fics. I've read two absolutely amazing YGO/HP crossovers, so yes, something as silly as this can work, if done well. Any plot can be done well with good writing, no matter how stupid the concept. Have you seen the effort people have put into fixing Twilight? And hell, the concept for Yu-Gi-Oh is pretty damn silly, but Kazuki Takahashi made it work, and I respect him for that. Point is, anything works when done well.
This is not done well.
Let's forget the fact that Yuugi is sixteen, and therefore, a sixth-year, and it would be impossible for him to catch up on six years of magic. Let's forget that the Ministry of Magic would be all over such a late-bloomer in Hogwarts, which is NOT the safest environment for students, and would probably lock him away and study him in the Department of Mysteries. Let's forget all of that and humour fanfics. Let's forget that EVER COUNTRY HAS ITS OWN MAGIC SCHOOL, AND THAT THEY WOULD GO TO THE JAPANESE ONE.
Let's forget all of that, and just focus on ONE THING.
YUUGI IS NOT A WIZARD.
HE USES SHADOW MAGIC.
THAT IS NOT A NORMAL WIZARD.
In fact, if you're going by Japanese canon, like this author is, than Shadow Magic shouldn't even be a thing. It would just be DARK MAGIC. You know, the BAD KIND.
Hogwarts, a school filled with powerful wizards, a school with some of the most powerful magic in the world, WOULD PICK UP ON THIS. THEY WOULD SENSE THAT HE DOES NOT USE NORMAL MAGIC. HE WOULD BE CONDEMNED AS A DARK WIZARD. HE WOULD BE STUDIED. HE WOULD BE IN CUSTODY. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN IN CANON, UNLESS YOU HAVE A DAMN GOOD EXPLANATION. SO FUCKING GIVE ONE.
Second, Yuugi WOULD NOT BE THIS OKAY WITH THAT LETTER. Yuugi is innocent, kind, and forgiving, but NOT STUPID. He has been through some serious shit. He KNOWS it is NOT OKAY when a letter KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE. He would be looking this shit up, contacting Marik and Bakura, he would be using his fucking connections to figure this out. Yuugi KNOWS this is NOT GOOD.
And even better, Yami would not behave like this. This story takes place in the anime, after the Dartz arc. YAMI LOST YUUGI. HE IS EXTREMELY PROTECTIVE OVER HIS BEST FRIEND. And you could try to bullshit an excuse that Yuugi is naive and kind, but NOT YAMI. YAMI KNOWS BETTER. HE WOULD NOT LAUGH THIS OFF.
Maybe Jonouchi-kun and Honda-kun are trying to play a prank on us, Yugi said.
Or maybe Kaiba’s trying to lure us out into a duel, Yami Yugi added.
Yami Yugi-kun, check the seal on the back. That’s an ‘H’, not a ‘K’.
Ah, but I looked it up, aibou. His last name means ‘horse’ in your language.
Yugi sweatdropped. He kept forgetting that Yami Yugi’s native language was Egyptian, and that he only spoke and understood Japanese because he could. Usually when he said he “looked something up”, it meant that he had scanned Yugi’s mind for an answer.
Well, are you going to open it? Yami Yugi asked.
Just one thing. Stop with the anime tropes in writing. Just stop.
(SNIP-EVERYTHING IS LITERALLY COPY-PASTED FROM PHILOSOPHER'S STONE)
Yami Yugi? Yugi asked.
Yeah?
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I realize this.
What are we going to do?
We can ask your grandfather later, Yami Yugi replied. Didn’t you promise the others you would meet them at the arcade at ten?
Yugi looked up at the clock. It was almost ten already, and it was at least a half hour to the arcade walking. He stuffed the notes and the tickets back into the envelope, which in turn got stuffed into the back pocket of his jeans, and raced down the stairs and out of the Kame Game Shop.
I just can't fucking take this. Fine, Yuugi and Yami are just fucking fine with an unknown force stalking them. Whatever. And Yuugi is wearing jeans, and that's fucking important. WHATEVER.
Still not bad enough to call in Tricks, though. I can make it to the end. I can fucking make it.
Yugi walked into the arcade twenty minutes late, only to arrive in the middle of a heated argument between Jonouchi and Marik Ishitar. The young Egyptian was in the other boy’s face, waving his arms threateningly. In one of his clenched fists, he held a crumpled envelope like Yugi had received that morning. Anzu Mazaki and Hiroto Honda were busy trying to pull the two of them apart, but it was not working too well.
“What kind of joke is this?!” Marik demanded. “I swear, only you would come up with something this extravagant.” The letter knowing my exact location is enough, but the lapdancing elephants were just too much!
“I’m telling you, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Jonouchi replied, looking like he was about ready to haul off and vacation in cambodia smack him. Yugi quickly jumped in-between the two of them, breaking up the orgy fight.
“Marik, you got one of these too?” he asked, holding up his envelope. Marik blinked, surprised, and held up his cock for Yugi to see.
Mr. M. Ishitar
The Second Level Bedroom
23 City Lane
Domino City
Japan
“You mean this isn’t some kind of joke?” Marik asked, reading the exact address on Yugi’s similar envelope. “I thought for sure the koinu did it.”
“Grrr… I am not a koinu!” Jonouchi shouted while everyone else sweatdropped. Marik just smiled at him, slyly.
“Oh, I forgot,” he said. “Only your love slave, Kaiba, can call you that.”
Yugi sweatdropped again, then he should get out of the bondage outfit! while Anzu and Honda were busy trying to keep Jonouchi from ripping the Egyptian to pieces. Just then, Ryou Bakura entered the arcade, clutching an envelope in his hand and a slightly disturbed look on his face.
Okay, enough fooling around. Time to be serious. I can take the Japanese. It's okay. It's fine. It's fucking fine. At least fanon-Marik is right. Marik, in fanon, is a joker, rather than a serious character. I'm fine with this. I'm fine. I can take someone FUCKING WRITING IN "GRRRRR!" with no EXPRESSION AT ALL. THIS IS OKAY. DON'T LOOK AT ME.
*Little mouth* Another pet peeve of mine is using anime tropes in writing. Anime is a visual medium, therefor, using "sweat drops" is acceptable as a means of expressing exasperation. When writing, it doesn't work. Please use "in exasperation" or other forms of that idea. VISUAL GAGS DON'T WORK IN WRITING.
*Reads a little more and sobs* Finally! An IC character! Bakura! Poor baby, it's okay, you're always going to be sweet and IC, slightly scared and wary, but still loved by your friends, and always an important friend to the group, even if you're deathly afraid of your Yami.
“What’s wrong, Bakura-kun?” Yugi asked, concerned by the look on his face.
“Did anyone else get any kind of strange mail today?” he asked, holding up the envelope.
Mr. R. Bakura
The Only Bedroom in the House
54 Ringmaster Drive
Domino City
Japan
“Bakura-kun too?!” Marik exclaimed.
“Who the heck is sending these things?” Jonouchi asked, taking a look at Yugi’s over his shoulder. “And if it’s a prank… why didn’t I think of it?”
The doors to the arcade swung open again, and Seto Kaiba entered in an angry huff. His eyes scanned the crowds a moment, coming to a rest on their group. He stalked over to Jonouchi, grabbed him around the collar of his shirt, and hauled him up to his eye level.
“Koinu, I want an explanation,” he demanded darkly, holding up an envelope.
Mr. S. Kaiba
The Master Bedroom
1 Kaiba Boulevard
Domino City
Japan
*Breathless* okay, okay. Ridiculous names for the streets aside, at least Kaiba is IC! A magnificent asshole! This is great! This can fucking work! DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO JONOUCHI BEING COMPLETELY OOC OR MARIK FUCKING USING JAPANESE PHRASES!
While Jonouchi, Anzu, and Honda were busy yelling at Seto for making accusations as soon as he entered the place, Marik took Yugi and Bakura aside. A conspiratorial look had grown onto his face, and he had taken the Millennium Rod out from his back pocket and was stroking it thoughtfully.
“Now this is odd,” he whispered to the two of them. “If these letters are real, then apparently someone believes us to be gifted in magic. The three of us, I can understand, but that stuffed shirt Kaiba… how anyone would think he could use magic is beyond me.”
“I don’t understand, why the three of us?” Bakura asked.
“Our Millennium Items,” Marik replied, holding up his Rod slightly. “To anyone searching for magic, the people using these items may seem like talented individuals.”
“Well, Kaiba-kun is supposed to be the descendant of an ancient Egyptian High Priest, so I guess that explains why he got one,” Yugi pointed out. Just then, Seto dropped Jonouchi and turned his malice toward the three of them.
“And what are you three whispering about?” he snarled, obviously not in a good mood. They each held up their envelopes, and Kaiba’s eyebrow twitched in response, as if it were degrading that - if the letters were for real - he would have to go to the same magic school with them.
“Kaiba, except for Bakura and Yugi, we all thought Jonouchi did these,” Marik began.
“Actually, I thought Jonouchi did it too until I read the item list,” Yugi admitted.
“Thanks a lot, Yugi-ster…” Jonouchi grumbled.
“Anyway,” Marik continued. “By all accounts, these seem real enough. So why don’t we just figure out how to ‘send an owl’ and we’ll go from there?”
Seto let out a dismissive sound in response. “I’ll not be a party to such foolishness,” he replied, tossing his envelope in the nearest garbage reciprocal before walking back out of the arcade. Marik watched him go, an annoyed look on his face. He fingered the part of his Millennium Rod that concealed the dagger within, wishing he could carve the hieroglyph for “asshole” on Seto’s face.
*Eye twitches* The random honorfics are not going to get to me. This is good. Seto is still an asshole. Even if Marik still has the Rod for SOME REASON, and Jonouchi is using an ENGLISH NICKNAME FOR JAPANESE YUUGI, this is still okay. Okay. EVEN IF THEY ARE ALL SO FUCKING OKAY WITH THIS-
Let's just. Keep. Going. EVEN IF THE HONORFICS ARE COMPLETELY INCONSISTENT IT IS FUCKING OKAY. FUCKING OKAY.
~.oOOo.~
Marik and Bakura ended up going home with Yugi that night, hoping that perhaps Sugoroku Mutou would have some answers to their dilemma. They found the elderly man behind the counter of the Kame Game Shop, getting ready to close up for the night. He greeted his grandson’s guests warmly before they showed him their envelopes, and his face darkened.
Sugoroku: They found out about your OOCness, it's time to be taken away...
“Oh my,” Sugoroku muttered. “I never thought he’d actually send these…”
“Him?” Marik asked. “You mean that Diddlydore guy?”
“That’s Dumbledore,” Yugi’s grandfather stressed, “and you’d do well to show him some respect, young Ishitar.”
Marik rolled his eyes as Yugi asked, “Ojii-chan, do you know what these are for?”
Sugoroku leaned forward on the counter, lacing his fingers together. “Yugi, there are a lot of things I haven’t told you about the Millennium Puzzle,” he said, “and one of those things is how I got it, but in order for you to understand that, you’ll have to hear a little bit of history.”
*Face drains of colour* Oh no. No. You're not doing this. You're not turning Sugoroku Motou into a wizard.
Marik groaned, prompting Bakura to elbow him. Sugoroku used the distraction to take a moment to and clear his throat.
“When I was your age,” he began, “I also received a strange letter by owl. My mother had heard of Hogwarts, but never believed that I would be accepted. She sent me off to England -”
*Insane smile* No. NO. I CAN'T. I CAN'T DO THIS. I DON'T CARE THAT THERE'RE ONLY A FEW PARAGRAPHS LEFT. I DON'T CARE!
*Takes a deep breath and slams hands on keyboard, screaming at full-volume* TRICKSTER!!!!!
TRICKSTER: *A man appears, blonde hair completely disheveled, carrying a rubber chicken, wearing nothing but a pair of canary-yellow boxers, a domino mask, and blue boots, standing in mid-air, he just blinks, not sure how to take this* .........wut? Am I in hell...again?
LION: *Throws laptop* YOU TAKE THIS! ALL THE INSTRUCTIONS ARE IN YOUR HEAD! TAKE IT YOU BASTARD! *Storms out, fuming*
TRICKSTER: *After a moment, he shrugs, popping a bubble-pipe in his mouth, sitting back in mid-air* Well, fuck it. Might as well. Piper's out for the weekend anyway, babysitting for Lisa...not like I'm getting his fine, freckled ass anyway! *Grins* Playing with psychotic people is much more fun! *Clears throat* Okay, so Grandpa is the same age as Dumbledore, went to Hogwarts with them and they are BFFs, and yes, I fucking read Harry Potter, what else am I supposed to do in prison? Wardens took away my stuff...totally helped Mick get them back...anyway, yeah, Grandpa is cool with his entire team dying when he graduated Hogwarts and worked on a wizard archeological team to get a puzzle...damn, not even Mirror Master is that cool with murder! Yadda, yadda, there is new danger even though everyone thought it passed, yeah, tell me about it when you trick Satan twice! Blah, blah, blah, Dumbles is taking them in because there's new danger, but is being more manipulative than me by not telling them, kind of awesome, and we end with a cliffhanger! *Tosses the laptop away and smirks* That wasn't so bad. Now, time to go spank the chicken!
LION: *Storms back in, snarling* I'll explain my issues next chapter. Tune in next time. Whatever.
Okay.
This is my first time ever sporking, after following Das_Mervin for two years. I really wanted to try this out, since I absolutely LOVE badfic and badmovies. You have no fucking idea. So, I picked a nostalgic badfic. Yes, I used to like this. Yes, I like the author, she genuinely meant well. But that will not make me merciful. You put your shit on the internet, and I will spork it. Especially if characters are OOC, that is definetly my Beserk Button. Also, the angrier I get, the more filthy and vulgar I become.
Joining me in my quest for Sporking (when things get unbearable, and only as a last resort) is none other than Giovanni Giuseppe, A.K.A. James Jesse, A.K.A. The Trickster. A (reformed) supervillain from the Flash's Rouges Gallery, who is the most Glorious Asshole anyone has ever met. He is not aware of his predicament. Yet.
Be warned, I am very thorough, and ramble a lot. A lot. I hope that is okay with readers (if I have any) and I hope you will support me in my new endeavor.
Without further delay, let us begin.
Yugi Mutou lived in an average city, and was enjoying an average summer before going back to his average high school for his average sophomore year. That was about as average as Yugi’s life got, however. While other people simply dressed in the morning, not giving a second thought to the cloths and baubles they put on, Yugi was preoccupied with a certain puzzle hanging from a certain chain and wondering what certain kind of dangers it would bring him that day.
Actually, he never really thought that, his other self that inhabited the Millennium Puzzle did.
Okay, first problem. Something about that opening paragraph bugs me. I don't know what it is, I just know it needs a complete rewrite. It sounds clunky and choppy. But not bad for an opening paragraph, I suppose.
But the second paragraph throws me off. You just described the life of Yuugi Motou, and then said that it wasn't him, it was Yami. Maybe it's just me, but I have no idea what that means. (And yes, it is spelled "Yuugi Motou, if you're going for Japanese names, use them properly.)
Yugi scanned the cloths laid out on his bed, Because you see, Yuugi is a bondage slave, and cannot wear anything but rags trying to decide what he would wear that day. It was hot, as usual, so he did not want to wear all black like he normally tended to do. He did not want to wear his white and blue shirt either, though, as his best friend, Katsuya Jonouchi, usually wore a similar one in the summer. Finally settling on a pair of jeans and a light blue top, Yugi dressed himself and slipped on his Millennium Puzzle.
The slightly faded form of Yami Yugi appeared next to him almost immediately, stretching and yawning.
“’Morning, aibou,” he mumbled. Yugi chuckled at his other half.
STOP
Okay, several things. First, the audience does not give a damn about what Yuugi wears. It was used in his date with Anzu as comic relief, because the audience was aware of Yuugi's crush, and the fact that Yami was unaware of Yuugi's plan. Unless it is essential for plot, comic relief, setting, or characterization, we don't care what your character is wearing! It really isn't that hard to understand! Why does everyone do this? WE DON'T CARE
Second, it took three times for me to understand Yuugi's reason for not wearing a teeshirt similar to Jonouichi's. Again, very, very awkward phrasing. Restore/Retry/Fail?
And third, it is a personal pet peeve of mine when English writers incorporate Japanese phrases into English works. If the character is Japanese and lapses into their own language while talking to an English speaker, that's fine. But WHEN EVERYONE IS SPEAKING JAPANESE, IT IS TACKY AND UNNECESSARY. SO STOP.
Fourth, "slightly-faded," what did hyphens do to you?
And lastly, what the fuck was with the reasoning behind the colour choices? It was hot "like usual," so Yuugi didn't want to wear black clothing "like usual?" What the fuck does that even mean? EXPLAIN.
“Did you sleep well?” he asked, to which Yami Yugi shook his head. “Why not?”
A dark look suddenly over took his other half’s face. “I don’t know. I just have a bad feeling about today.”
Yugi frowned. “It’s not ‘insane maniac threatening to take over the universe’ kind of bad feeling, is it?”
“Well, no…”
“Good! Then lets go have some fun!”
Yugi grabbed his other half by the arm and tugged him out of the room. Yami Yugi disappeared back into the Millennium Puzzle before they entered the hallway outside, and just in time too. Yugi’s mother approached him before he made his way to the kitchen for breakfast, a small envelope in hand.
Now we need a fucking list.
1.) Technically, it's Yami-Yuugi. But I will let this pass, most of the fandom does this.
2.) This author has a serious problem with clunky dialogue. The characters sound like cardboard cut-outs. Editing is crucial to the writing process, ma'am.
3.) Yami's characterization is a little...uncanny valley, I suppose. I don't know, it's not anything concrete yet, but something about the way he's written is close enough to pass, but OOC enough to make my neck hairs stand on end.
4.) YAMI. IS. A. SPIRIT. He IS NOT TANGIBLE. YOU CANNOT TOUCH HIM. Why don't any authors realize this?! It's gotten to the point where just ANY mention of tangible spirits makes me pissed! And I don't dislike this author!
5.) A dash, rather than a period would have made that last sentence flow better.
6.) Yami the psychic! What was the reason for this? The audience is aware of the plot of the story. It does nothing to drive the plot. It does nothing to foreshadow because we already know. If you were going to use this as a reason for Yuugi and Yami mistrusting wizards, this could've worked. But you don't go with that. So what is the point? It does nothing for the story but eat up space! It's worth even less than the fucking clothing section! At least that, you could've argued, has a reason! Showing Yuugi's childish innocence, perhaps? BUT THIS MEANS NOTHING. WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?
“Yugi honey, this came for you,” she said, handing him the envelope before heading down the stairs next to his room to the game shop below. Yugi frowned at the seemingly innocent looking envelope in his hand. How odd for the mail to come so early!
What is it, aibou? Yami Yugi asked within his mind. It’s just a piece of mail.
I guess you’re right… Yugi began, only to have his frown deepen. Check out the address though!
Mr. Y. Mutou
The Bedroom next to the Stairs
Kame Game Shop
Domino City
Japan
Okay…Yami Yugi replied, a little freaked by the exactness of the address. That’s just a little on the odd side. Next thing you know, you’ll get another one marked ‘Mr. Y. Yugi, Millennium Puzzle, Kame Game Shop, Domino City, Japan’.
Very funny, Yugi remarked dryly, wondering where his other half got a sense of humor while turning the envelope over in his hands. There was no return address on it; no other markings except a strange wax seal on the back, which consisted of an “H” surrounded by four different animals.
Something you all should know is that I love good crossover fics. I've read two absolutely amazing YGO/HP crossovers, so yes, something as silly as this can work, if done well. Any plot can be done well with good writing, no matter how stupid the concept. Have you seen the effort people have put into fixing Twilight? And hell, the concept for Yu-Gi-Oh is pretty damn silly, but Kazuki Takahashi made it work, and I respect him for that. Point is, anything works when done well.
This is not done well.
Let's forget the fact that Yuugi is sixteen, and therefore, a sixth-year, and it would be impossible for him to catch up on six years of magic. Let's forget that the Ministry of Magic would be all over such a late-bloomer in Hogwarts, which is NOT the safest environment for students, and would probably lock him away and study him in the Department of Mysteries. Let's forget all of that and humour fanfics. Let's forget that EVER COUNTRY HAS ITS OWN MAGIC SCHOOL, AND THAT THEY WOULD GO TO THE JAPANESE ONE.
Let's forget all of that, and just focus on ONE THING.
YUUGI IS NOT A WIZARD.
HE USES SHADOW MAGIC.
THAT IS NOT A NORMAL WIZARD.
In fact, if you're going by Japanese canon, like this author is, than Shadow Magic shouldn't even be a thing. It would just be DARK MAGIC. You know, the BAD KIND.
Hogwarts, a school filled with powerful wizards, a school with some of the most powerful magic in the world, WOULD PICK UP ON THIS. THEY WOULD SENSE THAT HE DOES NOT USE NORMAL MAGIC. HE WOULD BE CONDEMNED AS A DARK WIZARD. HE WOULD BE STUDIED. HE WOULD BE IN CUSTODY. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN IN CANON, UNLESS YOU HAVE A DAMN GOOD EXPLANATION. SO FUCKING GIVE ONE.
Second, Yuugi WOULD NOT BE THIS OKAY WITH THAT LETTER. Yuugi is innocent, kind, and forgiving, but NOT STUPID. He has been through some serious shit. He KNOWS it is NOT OKAY when a letter KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE. He would be looking this shit up, contacting Marik and Bakura, he would be using his fucking connections to figure this out. Yuugi KNOWS this is NOT GOOD.
And even better, Yami would not behave like this. This story takes place in the anime, after the Dartz arc. YAMI LOST YUUGI. HE IS EXTREMELY PROTECTIVE OVER HIS BEST FRIEND. And you could try to bullshit an excuse that Yuugi is naive and kind, but NOT YAMI. YAMI KNOWS BETTER. HE WOULD NOT LAUGH THIS OFF.
Maybe Jonouchi-kun and Honda-kun are trying to play a prank on us, Yugi said.
Or maybe Kaiba’s trying to lure us out into a duel, Yami Yugi added.
Yami Yugi-kun, check the seal on the back. That’s an ‘H’, not a ‘K’.
Ah, but I looked it up, aibou. His last name means ‘horse’ in your language.
Yugi sweatdropped. He kept forgetting that Yami Yugi’s native language was Egyptian, and that he only spoke and understood Japanese because he could. Usually when he said he “looked something up”, it meant that he had scanned Yugi’s mind for an answer.
Well, are you going to open it? Yami Yugi asked.
Just one thing. Stop with the anime tropes in writing. Just stop.
(SNIP-EVERYTHING IS LITERALLY COPY-PASTED FROM PHILOSOPHER'S STONE)
Yami Yugi? Yugi asked.
Yeah?
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I realize this.
What are we going to do?
We can ask your grandfather later, Yami Yugi replied. Didn’t you promise the others you would meet them at the arcade at ten?
Yugi looked up at the clock. It was almost ten already, and it was at least a half hour to the arcade walking. He stuffed the notes and the tickets back into the envelope, which in turn got stuffed into the back pocket of his jeans, and raced down the stairs and out of the Kame Game Shop.
I just can't fucking take this. Fine, Yuugi and Yami are just fucking fine with an unknown force stalking them. Whatever. And Yuugi is wearing jeans, and that's fucking important. WHATEVER.
Still not bad enough to call in Tricks, though. I can make it to the end. I can fucking make it.
Yugi walked into the arcade twenty minutes late, only to arrive in the middle of a heated argument between Jonouchi and Marik Ishitar. The young Egyptian was in the other boy’s face, waving his arms threateningly. In one of his clenched fists, he held a crumpled envelope like Yugi had received that morning. Anzu Mazaki and Hiroto Honda were busy trying to pull the two of them apart, but it was not working too well.
“What kind of joke is this?!” Marik demanded. “I swear, only you would come up with something this extravagant.” The letter knowing my exact location is enough, but the lapdancing elephants were just too much!
“I’m telling you, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Jonouchi replied, looking like he was about ready to haul off and vacation in cambodia smack him. Yugi quickly jumped in-between the two of them, breaking up the orgy fight.
“Marik, you got one of these too?” he asked, holding up his envelope. Marik blinked, surprised, and held up his cock for Yugi to see.
Mr. M. Ishitar
The Second Level Bedroom
23 City Lane
Domino City
Japan
“You mean this isn’t some kind of joke?” Marik asked, reading the exact address on Yugi’s similar envelope. “I thought for sure the koinu did it.”
“Grrr… I am not a koinu!” Jonouchi shouted while everyone else sweatdropped. Marik just smiled at him, slyly.
“Oh, I forgot,” he said. “Only your love slave, Kaiba, can call you that.”
Yugi sweatdropped again, then he should get out of the bondage outfit! while Anzu and Honda were busy trying to keep Jonouchi from ripping the Egyptian to pieces. Just then, Ryou Bakura entered the arcade, clutching an envelope in his hand and a slightly disturbed look on his face.
Okay, enough fooling around. Time to be serious. I can take the Japanese. It's okay. It's fine. It's fucking fine. At least fanon-Marik is right. Marik, in fanon, is a joker, rather than a serious character. I'm fine with this. I'm fine. I can take someone FUCKING WRITING IN "GRRRRR!" with no EXPRESSION AT ALL. THIS IS OKAY. DON'T LOOK AT ME.
*Little mouth* Another pet peeve of mine is using anime tropes in writing. Anime is a visual medium, therefor, using "sweat drops" is acceptable as a means of expressing exasperation. When writing, it doesn't work. Please use "in exasperation" or other forms of that idea. VISUAL GAGS DON'T WORK IN WRITING.
*Reads a little more and sobs* Finally! An IC character! Bakura! Poor baby, it's okay, you're always going to be sweet and IC, slightly scared and wary, but still loved by your friends, and always an important friend to the group, even if you're deathly afraid of your Yami.
“What’s wrong, Bakura-kun?” Yugi asked, concerned by the look on his face.
“Did anyone else get any kind of strange mail today?” he asked, holding up the envelope.
Mr. R. Bakura
The Only Bedroom in the House
54 Ringmaster Drive
Domino City
Japan
“Bakura-kun too?!” Marik exclaimed.
“Who the heck is sending these things?” Jonouchi asked, taking a look at Yugi’s over his shoulder. “And if it’s a prank… why didn’t I think of it?”
The doors to the arcade swung open again, and Seto Kaiba entered in an angry huff. His eyes scanned the crowds a moment, coming to a rest on their group. He stalked over to Jonouchi, grabbed him around the collar of his shirt, and hauled him up to his eye level.
“Koinu, I want an explanation,” he demanded darkly, holding up an envelope.
Mr. S. Kaiba
The Master Bedroom
1 Kaiba Boulevard
Domino City
Japan
*Breathless* okay, okay. Ridiculous names for the streets aside, at least Kaiba is IC! A magnificent asshole! This is great! This can fucking work! DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO JONOUCHI BEING COMPLETELY OOC OR MARIK FUCKING USING JAPANESE PHRASES!
While Jonouchi, Anzu, and Honda were busy yelling at Seto for making accusations as soon as he entered the place, Marik took Yugi and Bakura aside. A conspiratorial look had grown onto his face, and he had taken the Millennium Rod out from his back pocket and was stroking it thoughtfully.
“Now this is odd,” he whispered to the two of them. “If these letters are real, then apparently someone believes us to be gifted in magic. The three of us, I can understand, but that stuffed shirt Kaiba… how anyone would think he could use magic is beyond me.”
“I don’t understand, why the three of us?” Bakura asked.
“Our Millennium Items,” Marik replied, holding up his Rod slightly. “To anyone searching for magic, the people using these items may seem like talented individuals.”
“Well, Kaiba-kun is supposed to be the descendant of an ancient Egyptian High Priest, so I guess that explains why he got one,” Yugi pointed out. Just then, Seto dropped Jonouchi and turned his malice toward the three of them.
“And what are you three whispering about?” he snarled, obviously not in a good mood. They each held up their envelopes, and Kaiba’s eyebrow twitched in response, as if it were degrading that - if the letters were for real - he would have to go to the same magic school with them.
“Kaiba, except for Bakura and Yugi, we all thought Jonouchi did these,” Marik began.
“Actually, I thought Jonouchi did it too until I read the item list,” Yugi admitted.
“Thanks a lot, Yugi-ster…” Jonouchi grumbled.
“Anyway,” Marik continued. “By all accounts, these seem real enough. So why don’t we just figure out how to ‘send an owl’ and we’ll go from there?”
Seto let out a dismissive sound in response. “I’ll not be a party to such foolishness,” he replied, tossing his envelope in the nearest garbage reciprocal before walking back out of the arcade. Marik watched him go, an annoyed look on his face. He fingered the part of his Millennium Rod that concealed the dagger within, wishing he could carve the hieroglyph for “asshole” on Seto’s face.
*Eye twitches* The random honorfics are not going to get to me. This is good. Seto is still an asshole. Even if Marik still has the Rod for SOME REASON, and Jonouchi is using an ENGLISH NICKNAME FOR JAPANESE YUUGI, this is still okay. Okay. EVEN IF THEY ARE ALL SO FUCKING OKAY WITH THIS-
Let's just. Keep. Going. EVEN IF THE HONORFICS ARE COMPLETELY INCONSISTENT IT IS FUCKING OKAY. FUCKING OKAY.
~.oOOo.~
Marik and Bakura ended up going home with Yugi that night, hoping that perhaps Sugoroku Mutou would have some answers to their dilemma. They found the elderly man behind the counter of the Kame Game Shop, getting ready to close up for the night. He greeted his grandson’s guests warmly before they showed him their envelopes, and his face darkened.
Sugoroku: They found out about your OOCness, it's time to be taken away...
“Oh my,” Sugoroku muttered. “I never thought he’d actually send these…”
“Him?” Marik asked. “You mean that Diddlydore guy?”
“That’s Dumbledore,” Yugi’s grandfather stressed, “and you’d do well to show him some respect, young Ishitar.”
Marik rolled his eyes as Yugi asked, “Ojii-chan, do you know what these are for?”
Sugoroku leaned forward on the counter, lacing his fingers together. “Yugi, there are a lot of things I haven’t told you about the Millennium Puzzle,” he said, “and one of those things is how I got it, but in order for you to understand that, you’ll have to hear a little bit of history.”
*Face drains of colour* Oh no. No. You're not doing this. You're not turning Sugoroku Motou into a wizard.
Marik groaned, prompting Bakura to elbow him. Sugoroku used the distraction to take a moment to and clear his throat.
“When I was your age,” he began, “I also received a strange letter by owl. My mother had heard of Hogwarts, but never believed that I would be accepted. She sent me off to England -”
*Insane smile* No. NO. I CAN'T. I CAN'T DO THIS. I DON'T CARE THAT THERE'RE ONLY A FEW PARAGRAPHS LEFT. I DON'T CARE!
*Takes a deep breath and slams hands on keyboard, screaming at full-volume* TRICKSTER!!!!!
TRICKSTER: *A man appears, blonde hair completely disheveled, carrying a rubber chicken, wearing nothing but a pair of canary-yellow boxers, a domino mask, and blue boots, standing in mid-air, he just blinks, not sure how to take this* .........wut? Am I in hell...again?
LION: *Throws laptop* YOU TAKE THIS! ALL THE INSTRUCTIONS ARE IN YOUR HEAD! TAKE IT YOU BASTARD! *Storms out, fuming*
TRICKSTER: *After a moment, he shrugs, popping a bubble-pipe in his mouth, sitting back in mid-air* Well, fuck it. Might as well. Piper's out for the weekend anyway, babysitting for Lisa...not like I'm getting his fine, freckled ass anyway! *Grins* Playing with psychotic people is much more fun! *Clears throat* Okay, so Grandpa is the same age as Dumbledore, went to Hogwarts with them and they are BFFs, and yes, I fucking read Harry Potter, what else am I supposed to do in prison? Wardens took away my stuff...totally helped Mick get them back...anyway, yeah, Grandpa is cool with his entire team dying when he graduated Hogwarts and worked on a wizard archeological team to get a puzzle...damn, not even Mirror Master is that cool with murder! Yadda, yadda, there is new danger even though everyone thought it passed, yeah, tell me about it when you trick Satan twice! Blah, blah, blah, Dumbles is taking them in because there's new danger, but is being more manipulative than me by not telling them, kind of awesome, and we end with a cliffhanger! *Tosses the laptop away and smirks* That wasn't so bad. Now, time to go spank the chicken!
LION: *Storms back in, snarling* I'll explain my issues next chapter. Tune in next time. Whatever.