Insatiable need
I have discovered in myself an insatiable need for affection. Try as I might, I never feel fulfilled. I think most people have such a need but I suppose some are much better at denying it than I. Channeling it into one "love" relationship and keeping the rest of the world at arm's length. Not me. That's not me a-tall. All my friends I want to hold and nurture and be nurtured and at the same time I feel a deep shame because I've been taught to see this as weakness. This vulnerability, need for love is what others seized upon, especially in junior high and high school, torturing me because they could. I showed naked pain I had no defense like others. So I learned to shut off my emotions and felt nothing... depression. That was my solution. Because people took such advantage of my vulnerability I learned to see it as a negative trait; weakness that had to be purged because I never wanted to be hurt again. I feel shame in this need not only for that reason but also because I learned from my family life that touching is sexual. All touching. All affection. Sex is bad sex is shameful sex is evil sex is sinful fuck fuck fucketty fuck a ducktour truck. I learned that from my mom, who was wonderful otherwise but had been sexually abused as a child. Being ridiculously sensitive as a youth, I simply absorbed her entire set of values regarding sex. I was never abused in a sexual way but I carry a dead weight of shame as if I had been. With the belief that all affection is sexual and my need my need my NEED comes a strange catch-22 situation. The very thing I need feels poisonous to me sometimes. I spent a weekend with a dear dear friend who I love more than my own life. I'm fairly certain that we have crossed paths in many lives as lovers, siblings, parents and children, comrades at arms... I spent much of that weekend in my friends arms, allowing her to comfort me, comforting her. In general we were inappropriately affectionate for being "just friends". I hate that phrase. It denies the fathomless depth that friendship can reach. But I digress. Even though I don't feel the need for sexual contact with my friend, we were in nearly constant physical contact, accepting each other's love. There was an undercurrent of shame that tainted the experience because I felt that there just HAD to be something wrong with this I don't deserve love it must be sexual she's married for god's sake I'm bad I hate myself for this weakness... But I NEEDED it so badly. Maybe this comes from being a sensitive soul growing up in a cold and distant family maybe maybe. I don't know. It hurts, this need does. I miss my friend. I miss her friends because I love them as well. You know who you are you know who you are. I miss you all. My heart hurts. There's more to say but I should leave off for now, collect my thoughts.