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[lionboy]

Loss is a difficult thing. We tend to look for stabilizing factors in our life and expect them not to change like family, a job, a place of residence. We build our identities out of these things but change is the only constant in the world and so we suffer. If you hadn't thought of this before, you probably changed just reading this. Neither 0f

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[msparker]

As someone who shares some similarities with you in a couple areas, please allow me to add my two cents. I spent a few years of my life under that veil of depression. I fought hard against taking antidepressants and I finally caved. It was hard because I understand the comfort you find in the depression itself, your best friend and worst enemy. The biggest thing I got out of the antidepressants was somehow I regained my courage and spontanaety (sp...too lazy for spellcheck). I suddenly didn't scrutinize every little move I made and how it would effect my life 5, 10 years from now. I've been off of them for about two years and it was a damned hard thing. Harder than swallowing your pride and admitting that you needed them in the first place. But in hindsight, it was honestly worth it. Maybe my biggest problem was that I was lonely. My closest friends seemed superficial. Because, truthfully, how unconditionally can one person love another person? Rhetorical, of course, but you know what I mean. I have no siblings and I probably won't have children, so who's gonna wipe my ass when I get old? A stranger. Unless I start making really young friends. Here's something that sounds easier said than done, but really isn't at all. You get an idea in your head, whether it's speaking to a stranger in a bar or packing all your shit up in your car and driving to a new place, and you do it. Without thinking. Because what's the worst that could happen? You make a mistake. The stranger in the bar thinks you're a pretentious asshole. Things are still the same in the new town. So? So you f'ed up. In 2 years it won't matter anyway. Hell, it won't matter in 2 months with the way things have a tendency to change so rapidly once you actually start the cycle of just doing instead of thinking.

Anyway, when I met you, I thought you were a really interesting person and you have some great qualities (like compassion) and everyone, and I mean everyone has these dark and evil places in their psyche that are really very scary at first. But it's just another facet to your personality. Some traits override others. It doesn't mean they cease to be there, just that they make them a little less significant. You are a lion. Face yourself and be as compassionate toward you as you are toward the animals you care for everyday. And good luck with the medication. It's nothing to be ashamed of and sometimes it's a much needed weapon in the battle for self actualization. I wish I had more of an opportunity to talk with you when you were in Cleveland.

[lionboy]

I don't know what to say but... thank you. Your honesty just kind of cut through it all. I just started the antidepressants a few days ago so I'll see how it goes. I'll be in Cleveland again the weekend of the 30th so perhaps I'll see you then?
Intellectually, I know that everyone has dark places in their souls but I'm exceedingly hard on myself. I feel that I shouldn't. It's OK for everyone else but not for me not for me. Raging perfectionism tends to keep one from accomplishing anything, it seems. Set unattainable standards for yourself and you will always fail. Yeesh. I hope I'll see you soon and thank you.
That was honestly the most touching comment I've gotten on this thing. I'll give it some thought. Maybe my mind will be more clear if the antidepressants take some effect.

Re:

[msparker]

Perfectionism is a crazy catch-22. We seem to have quite a bit in common. I hope to catch you when you are in town! And thank you for thanking me....they're just words and my stupid perspective, but maybe one of my experiences will parallel yours and we can help each other see the different sides...I guess that's what humans do, huh? :)

[lionboy]

Yeah. I suppose the better ones do. Things in common... Pepper said we should talk because of something about our relationships with our fathers but did not go into any details. She was all mysterious like about it. See you soon! ^_^