Return from the land of Cleave
Soooo... Why am I back here? I've forgotten. I spent a four day weekend with friends in Cleveland and it was... Well you'll all be reading this thing so I should watch my words, shouldn't I? I almost didn't make the return trip to RI. Left 20 minutes or so before the flight to go through security and of course they stopped me. Apparently I look like some sort of thug or I have bad luck because it happened last time too. There was about 15 minutes left before my flight was to LEAVE and a moron of a security worker took my bag aside to search it... as... slowly... as... possible. AS if she had no idea what she was doing but was trying to look the part. She found an alarm clock which she picked up and turned over with a blank stare, trying to decide if there was a sinister, hidden use for such an item. Taking... her... time... and I was squirming the good squirm because there was now only 10 MINUTES until the flying tampon would depart. Then, THEN she asked me to remove my shoes and searched them for explosives or screwdrivers or drummel tools. I would grind the pilots to death. When I was finally allowed to go, there was so little time left that I had to sprint to the concourse and made it by the skin of my teeth, which have no skin so it must have been even closer than I thought. As we lifted off my thoughts returned to the friends I had left behind. Elizabethea, Poke, Amy, Clark without an "E", Sue lion, Seamus, Lady, even Lewis. I missed them already, I hoped I hadn't imposed too much on them. They felt like home, a sensation that I haven't experienced many times in my years on the urch. Images ran through my mind, snapshots of the preceeding days, with a sappy soundtrack like some sort of final episode to a long running TV series. But you know, I was going to miss my best friend in the world, some of my favorite people in the world. And now... I'm in withdrawal, I think; I felt wanted after going my entire life without. I rarely got the feeling my parents wanted me so... I can't say what it meant to me. I just don't have the words right now. So once again I'm back in RI with no one to talk to and feeling restricted, not free to create myself as I need to. The people I know here expect certain things of me, that I act a certain way and they disapprove when I seem "out of the ordinary". I usually comply at least outwardly, showing them what they want to see, or rather something that they can interpret as what they want to see. Mostly I've kept my true feelings to myself and lost myself in my head. I guess it's a defense mechanism I've developed over the years to try to keep people at arm's length because I knew, I KNEW that if people got to know me that they would find something to hate. Seemed that everyone else in the world saw something worthy of ridicule and derision when they looked at my carcass. Carc-ass. Finally I've been proven wrong. Doesn't quite fit with my self image, but it's hard to leave behind and come back to lonliness, you know? I've come back to people's expectations and the pressure to be something that I've learned I'm not. I feel stifled here, where I've always been, by conditional love. Given only on the condition that I act "appropriately" which to me means that I act in a way that feels... unnatural. Especially now that I've been with people who don't look at me as if I have a penis hydra for a head when I say something like "fucking fecal matter for fun and profit." Fucking stifling can't be free here have to get away. So I think I'll have to move soon. Well, it's late and I think I need to wrap up. Bed beckons. Love and cawfee milk to all of you who read this. I think I mentioned youze all up there someplace.