hello
Hey, I figured I should probably write an entry since I havent written one in about two and a half months. No unfortunetly I didn't drop off the face of the earth. I am just in North Carolina which is pretty close to dropping off the face of the earth. I miss Massachusetts and the fall up there. It's so different here. It is the type of place that is fun to go to for a vacation, but I am ready to go home now. I hate to seem so negative all the time here. I feel like the people I have met just don't really know the real me because I don't like it here and I am not as happy as I would be if I was in Massachusetts. Being in college out here without the people I care most about has really opened my eyes to many things that I probably never would have realized unless I did take this big step and got out on my own. I know now that I cannot go back to living with my parents ever again. I thought maybe the distance thing would perhaps improve my relationship with my parents but if anything it has stayed the same if not worse. Since now I don't have to listen to their insults I choose to ingore them most of the time.
I came home for fall break and my parents told me they didn't want me to come home originally and so I made plans to stay with other people and I even payed for my own plane ticket because I missed everyone so much and I had a 4 day weekend and I knew I would go crazy if I waited until Thanksgiving. Then I get a phone call from my parents flipping out that I wasn't even going to stop by and see them. I told them I didn't have a car and that I was staying with friends. They acted like I was being selfish I just don't understand them at all, because they say one thing and then all of a sudden they say the complete opposite. Gah! So yeah they are finally accepting the fact that I do want to tranfer next year which is a big step. Weird that at the end of the summer they were telling me they thought that I should stay local and go to a local school until they felt I was realy, cuz they didn't think I could handle it for some odd reason. Then they told me they thought the reason that I wanted to transfer was because I couldn't handle being on my own, what they fail to realize is that really I have always been on my ownn. I mean yeah I have lived there but I never really needed them for anything. I always paid for everything that I needed. They just basically let me live there. I was never home. So the fact that they think I can't handle it on my own is amusing. The truth is being out here on my own has just made me realizing how fucked up my family is. How much I really don't need them because honestly I don't miss them at all. I know thats mean to say but like when i think of my parents and I picture them, I feel myself stressing out and getting upset just thinking about them.
School here is so different from high school, but in a good way. It took me awhile to start getting the hang of things, it's weird not having like any homework and making yourself go and study every day when you don't have to and you can go out whenever you want to. It's weird I thought I was going to go insane partying every night when I came to college. I hardly ever go out, I usually go out on the weekends with my friends, but I get sick of going to parties where its different people every time and I feel sort of like weird because I dont know anyone so it's not like I want to go out and get drunk around these strangers cuz im not retarded. But it's been relaxing and like it has openeed my eyes so much to who i am as weird as that may sound.
I know that in the past I have tended to let people walk all over me because I wanted to be everyone's friend and I am not doing any of that stuff any more. I think that I did it because it made me feel better thinking that everyone really liked me and thought that I was a good person. I tried to pretend I didn't realize that people were walking all over me or that they treated me like shit. Then when I came out here I realized who was important to me and who really would be there for me in the future and I am so greatful for those people. I may not have a million friends but I know the ones that have stuck by me thus far are all I need. I know that they aren't going to stop talking to me for no reason or talk shit about me whenever I am not around. I distanced myself from all those people that I thought in highschool were my "friends" and we were all going to be "friends for life." I laugh now thinking about how ironic that is that we said that in like June when it is October and I haven't talked to them for about 3 months. I know I did that and I am so proud of myself for finally realizing how I don't need people like that and how they can only bring me down.
Sorry this entry is painfully long and if you are reading this i am surprised that you read this much of it. I just needed to vent and talk about things since I really haven't in sooo long. I have 2 pretty good friends here, but I know that they will never compare to the people waiting for me at home. I want to tranfer to Lasell College in Newton in the spring. But until then I think I am just going to focus myself on my school work and stop pitying myself because there are alot more important things going on in the world right now and it would be selfish and petty of me to be all like crying and saying my life sucks because it doesn't at all. I just know that when I come home I am going to be so much more appreciattive and happy. Me and Kayla are going to get an apartment together and I am going to move out permanently from my house. If my parents dont agree to pay for me to go to Lasell I will do it on my own. I don't care I am not letting them hold me back any longer. I am old enough to make my own decisions.
On a happy note I went home and spent time with my Jay and with kayla... It was really really fun and went by wayyy to fast. Wow that trip was hard for me to come back here til, I wanted to stay there in the beautiful crisp fall air with the colorful trees. It was so bneautiful I just kept looking around me in wonder. People must have thought I was weird but oh well I don't even care. Only 25 days til thanksgiving...
I miss everyone more than u will ever know
*Linz*
I came home for fall break and my parents told me they didn't want me to come home originally and so I made plans to stay with other people and I even payed for my own plane ticket because I missed everyone so much and I had a 4 day weekend and I knew I would go crazy if I waited until Thanksgiving. Then I get a phone call from my parents flipping out that I wasn't even going to stop by and see them. I told them I didn't have a car and that I was staying with friends. They acted like I was being selfish I just don't understand them at all, because they say one thing and then all of a sudden they say the complete opposite. Gah! So yeah they are finally accepting the fact that I do want to tranfer next year which is a big step. Weird that at the end of the summer they were telling me they thought that I should stay local and go to a local school until they felt I was realy, cuz they didn't think I could handle it for some odd reason. Then they told me they thought the reason that I wanted to transfer was because I couldn't handle being on my own, what they fail to realize is that really I have always been on my ownn. I mean yeah I have lived there but I never really needed them for anything. I always paid for everything that I needed. They just basically let me live there. I was never home. So the fact that they think I can't handle it on my own is amusing. The truth is being out here on my own has just made me realizing how fucked up my family is. How much I really don't need them because honestly I don't miss them at all. I know thats mean to say but like when i think of my parents and I picture them, I feel myself stressing out and getting upset just thinking about them.
School here is so different from high school, but in a good way. It took me awhile to start getting the hang of things, it's weird not having like any homework and making yourself go and study every day when you don't have to and you can go out whenever you want to. It's weird I thought I was going to go insane partying every night when I came to college. I hardly ever go out, I usually go out on the weekends with my friends, but I get sick of going to parties where its different people every time and I feel sort of like weird because I dont know anyone so it's not like I want to go out and get drunk around these strangers cuz im not retarded. But it's been relaxing and like it has openeed my eyes so much to who i am as weird as that may sound.
I know that in the past I have tended to let people walk all over me because I wanted to be everyone's friend and I am not doing any of that stuff any more. I think that I did it because it made me feel better thinking that everyone really liked me and thought that I was a good person. I tried to pretend I didn't realize that people were walking all over me or that they treated me like shit. Then when I came out here I realized who was important to me and who really would be there for me in the future and I am so greatful for those people. I may not have a million friends but I know the ones that have stuck by me thus far are all I need. I know that they aren't going to stop talking to me for no reason or talk shit about me whenever I am not around. I distanced myself from all those people that I thought in highschool were my "friends" and we were all going to be "friends for life." I laugh now thinking about how ironic that is that we said that in like June when it is October and I haven't talked to them for about 3 months. I know I did that and I am so proud of myself for finally realizing how I don't need people like that and how they can only bring me down.
Sorry this entry is painfully long and if you are reading this i am surprised that you read this much of it. I just needed to vent and talk about things since I really haven't in sooo long. I have 2 pretty good friends here, but I know that they will never compare to the people waiting for me at home. I want to tranfer to Lasell College in Newton in the spring. But until then I think I am just going to focus myself on my school work and stop pitying myself because there are alot more important things going on in the world right now and it would be selfish and petty of me to be all like crying and saying my life sucks because it doesn't at all. I just know that when I come home I am going to be so much more appreciattive and happy. Me and Kayla are going to get an apartment together and I am going to move out permanently from my house. If my parents dont agree to pay for me to go to Lasell I will do it on my own. I don't care I am not letting them hold me back any longer. I am old enough to make my own decisions.
On a happy note I went home and spent time with my Jay and with kayla... It was really really fun and went by wayyy to fast. Wow that trip was hard for me to come back here til, I wanted to stay there in the beautiful crisp fall air with the colorful trees. It was so bneautiful I just kept looking around me in wonder. People must have thought I was weird but oh well I don't even care. Only 25 days til thanksgiving...
I miss everyone more than u will ever know
*Linz*