(no subject)
I have so much on my mind right now, I really
don't even know where to start. I guess it's okay since I haven't
really written anything in awhile and is it my journal. I don't
understand myself anymore. Everytime something good starts to happen in
my life I seem to find some way to fuck it up. I thought I was happy or
maybe I was trying just to convince myself that everything in my life
was going well. It's weird how it always seems that way afterwards,
after you screwed up and you are like wow my life was good why did I go
and do that. I guess that's what I'm good at it's my talent I am great
at fucking up.
Why did I feel the need to drink an entire bottle of vodka last night? Why did it seem like a fun thing to do at the time. Jay, Carolyn and Krista were there why couldn't I have just hung out like they did. But no I felt like maybe I had to prove I could drink alot or maybe I was just being stupid. I don't know really why. All I know is that apparently I had convulsions and was hardly breathing last night, I had alcohol poisoning and my parents thought I was going to die. Everybody did who saw me. I had no control over myself. I don't even remember coming home and I hate that feeling of just waking up in your bed the next morning and realizing what you did and being like holy fuck why.... Why didnt I just go to Jay's and snuggle with him, that's what I wanted to do, but then there was a part of me that was like Carolyn and Krista will hold it against me later on saying I left them for Jay or something. Now I just wish I just went there and stayed with him. Instead my parents think I have serious emotional problems. They think that I am trying to kill myself and that was my shout out for help. They think I should talk to someone. They keep asking me what is wrong what is wrong. But nothing really is, I am just a regular disfunctional teenager trying to live my life the best I can. I am going to college I have a future ahead of me. Maybe I'm nervous about going to college and I just wanted to get drunk and not think about it for one night. Does that make me seem like I have issues. I admit I over did it with the drinking but it all hit me at once. And I was fucked. Now they took away my car and my cell phone. Thinking that they can go back to being the 4th grade parents that they are. They need to learn that I am punishing myself already. I have a huge bruise on my eye and my best friend is mad at me. Not to mention the guy I am dating isn't exactly what I want or need. I am scared about college and if they keep doing this to me and saying that I am never leaving the house for further notice and all this garbage that it's just going to want me to rebel. It's going to make me angry and when I do go to college what is going to happen. I will no longer have to worry about my parents seeing me drunk or seeing me fuck up. I want my freedom so bad. And I know I fucked up I realize this so can't that be enough?
On another topic sorta, I don't know what I feel about Jay anymore. He was at the party last night and I know hes not into PDA at all and neither am I but he barely even glanced at me all night, and when I was drunk he wasn't there for me. I know Carolyn was taking good care of me and everything but I just wish he could have at least tried. None of his friends even knew we were dating. They thought that I just knew him from work. It makes me feel like he is ashamed of me. I mean I know I did make an ass out of myself but I figured he would tell his friends if I was important to him. I mean I know he cares but I think he is trying to hard not to get attached. I figure it is too late for me because I am already head over heels in love with him. I mean seriously I am fucked when I go to college but then I figure if it's meant to be we will work through it. I don't think it will but you never know. I just know right now he is what I want and he makes me happy, is that such a bad thing?
Apparently I was falling everywhere last night and woke up with the BIGGEST black eye, I can hardly open my eye and its all scratched, I have bruises all over my body.... ouch I never want to drink again...
Why did I feel the need to drink an entire bottle of vodka last night? Why did it seem like a fun thing to do at the time. Jay, Carolyn and Krista were there why couldn't I have just hung out like they did. But no I felt like maybe I had to prove I could drink alot or maybe I was just being stupid. I don't know really why. All I know is that apparently I had convulsions and was hardly breathing last night, I had alcohol poisoning and my parents thought I was going to die. Everybody did who saw me. I had no control over myself. I don't even remember coming home and I hate that feeling of just waking up in your bed the next morning and realizing what you did and being like holy fuck why.... Why didnt I just go to Jay's and snuggle with him, that's what I wanted to do, but then there was a part of me that was like Carolyn and Krista will hold it against me later on saying I left them for Jay or something. Now I just wish I just went there and stayed with him. Instead my parents think I have serious emotional problems. They think that I am trying to kill myself and that was my shout out for help. They think I should talk to someone. They keep asking me what is wrong what is wrong. But nothing really is, I am just a regular disfunctional teenager trying to live my life the best I can. I am going to college I have a future ahead of me. Maybe I'm nervous about going to college and I just wanted to get drunk and not think about it for one night. Does that make me seem like I have issues. I admit I over did it with the drinking but it all hit me at once. And I was fucked. Now they took away my car and my cell phone. Thinking that they can go back to being the 4th grade parents that they are. They need to learn that I am punishing myself already. I have a huge bruise on my eye and my best friend is mad at me. Not to mention the guy I am dating isn't exactly what I want or need. I am scared about college and if they keep doing this to me and saying that I am never leaving the house for further notice and all this garbage that it's just going to want me to rebel. It's going to make me angry and when I do go to college what is going to happen. I will no longer have to worry about my parents seeing me drunk or seeing me fuck up. I want my freedom so bad. And I know I fucked up I realize this so can't that be enough?
On another topic sorta, I don't know what I feel about Jay anymore. He was at the party last night and I know hes not into PDA at all and neither am I but he barely even glanced at me all night, and when I was drunk he wasn't there for me. I know Carolyn was taking good care of me and everything but I just wish he could have at least tried. None of his friends even knew we were dating. They thought that I just knew him from work. It makes me feel like he is ashamed of me. I mean I know I did make an ass out of myself but I figured he would tell his friends if I was important to him. I mean I know he cares but I think he is trying to hard not to get attached. I figure it is too late for me because I am already head over heels in love with him. I mean seriously I am fucked when I go to college but then I figure if it's meant to be we will work through it. I don't think it will but you never know. I just know right now he is what I want and he makes me happy, is that such a bad thing?
Apparently I was falling everywhere last night and woke up with the BIGGEST black eye, I can hardly open my eye and its all scratched, I have bruises all over my body.... ouch I never want to drink again...