(no subject)
I feel so depressed right now, and
i think it all started when I got the crazy idea of somehow finding a
way to get him and I to hang out, I had this whole idea
about mentioning a movie since we always talk about movies we like and
casually being like we should go and see it this weekend at some point.
I cannot possibly do this, I dont know what is wrong with me but i am
really upset right now, I think i may have a problem with depression, I
always am the one being left out whenever my friends go out either with
their boyfriends or on group dates, I am always the one feeling like
somehow there must be something wrong with me since I dont have a guy
that I could bring, I mean it makes me feel really bad :( I hate it
when my friends plan group dates and then say Lindsey you can come
bring him thinking that I will have the guts to say something like that
when I have no guts whatsoever and if I had the intention of doing that
I probably wouldnt sleep for weeks. Why am I like this, god i hate
myself, i am such a fruggen idiot. I make exuses for myself like you
know if he liked me he would have already asked me out or something,
but then i know him and hes shy about stuff like that so i know that he
wouldnt.... but why am i always the one left to be daring, i cannot get
hurt again, i dont think i can handle it, but then again i cant just
walk away from it. Every single day my feelings for him get stronger
and stronger. Its like there is some magnet that draws me to him. To me
he is so beautiful and sweet and he is just such a good person, I am
always happy whenever we are together and yet I cannot imagine me
telling him any of this. I am too scared about putting myself out
there. I am so independent i dont need a guy but yet I like him
soooooooooooooooo much.... but it always seems to be me doing the
liking and never vice versa.... I am scared, petrafied of
getting hurt... i have been hurt too many times and somehow i cannot
even imagine of it happening again, a part of me tells me its not even
worth it, what is the point i will be going to school in north
carolina, but then the other part of me tells me that if i dont go for
it now i will regret it and that it wouldnt be fair to myself because i
am really falling for him more and more every day...