(no subject)
okay so my best friend and i are growing apart. we have been growing apart for the past year or so. maybe year and a quarter. regardless of duration, it has been a hard, painful time, mostly due to my refusal to accept it. i say, "i could just let this come to an organic close," and he objects and tries, but then it falls short. is it my fault for having so many expectations? is it because i just can't keep tomas and harrison both close at once? is this failure due to my doings? i feel like i put up with so much and everyone agrees except harrison, which is problematic because harrison's perception of the situation is the deciding factor. tomas and allie laid it out pretty clearly for me tonight and they were totally right, i just didn't want to listen. it's regrettable that i have to have everything my way, because if control was not an issue, then i would probably would be able to accept my current situation despite the fact that it's not really black or white. it's also regrettable that i feel the need to put this here because i feel like i can't actually talk to anyone, and i just assume at least some one person surfing the internet sees this, and it's good enough to constitute talking about it since i can't really tell anyone. i feel all of this pent up angst about my three best friends so i can't talk to any of them because i have to hold stuff back which completely defeats the purpose of talking it out or whatever. so i wish i wasn't so upset with my own doings and that i could talk to at least one of my best friends about this but i can't because there will always be something that's not good enough. i think that i'm just in a rut. at the end of the day. or something. i'd like to call someone but i feel like i don't have anyone that i can call and that really bums me out. lo que sea. i'm just being a bummer in general and now that i think about it, that's probably why i'm so angst about everything. for the umpteenth time, knowing what is right doesn't change the tension in my chest or the weight in my stomach.