Guilty
I know that i should be happy today because meghan came to visit me last night, but i'm still having a bad night. I have never felt this guilty or this bad about myself before i don't know. There are two major like divisions of these feelings. One is really shallow and also has to do with like achievement things and stuff. I just feel like will never be good enough and just when i think that something is ok, i'm informed that it is nowhere near what i thought and that i should fix it. I get insecure about the smallest things and right now i have like a lot of big things so i'm like really just...yeah...ok then comes the guilty feelings. I have so many things that i still feel guilty about. Things i did, things i didn't do. These feelings should be gone by now but i just can't seem to let them go. I guess thats part of my punnishment. Things are so different now and i have really tried to change my ways, its just the haunting memories of everything in the past and all the bad decisions i made. Its enough to make you hate yourself. Thats all i feel now. Hate and disgust. I know this entry is going to make a bunch of people freak out but please don't, just realize that i'm having a bad night and this is the easiest way to make myself feel better. Just to get it out. If i could just tell ya'll anything and if i could ever let you learn through me, i would just tell you to really evaluate your decisions. You have that voice in the back of your head for a reason. Please don't ignore what it is telling you to do.