I Did Not Die Today #6
I feel bad. Pathetic. Helpless.
I studied art in college hoping to become a great artist someday. Graduated, then figured I'm not that good in art at all. So I ended up back in school, trying to learn how to write about art instead.
I took up film hoping to become a movie director. But since I'm not that rich and that I don't have the means and the necessary skills to actually make films, I ended up watching them a lot for critique and analysis.
It's not that bad, I know. I still get to use what I've learned before. But sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I always land on second choice. I feel mediocre. And I can't seem to get over that fact so I become depressed and finally, I don't get to write anything at all. It's great that I get to read and write and watch and say all these things about art and film that I can do now but since these weren't really what I had wanted to do in the beginning, I feel like I've cheated myself.
It sucks to admit that I can never be good enough for me.
I studied art in college hoping to become a great artist someday. Graduated, then figured I'm not that good in art at all. So I ended up back in school, trying to learn how to write about art instead.
I took up film hoping to become a movie director. But since I'm not that rich and that I don't have the means and the necessary skills to actually make films, I ended up watching them a lot for critique and analysis.
It's not that bad, I know. I still get to use what I've learned before. But sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I always land on second choice. I feel mediocre. And I can't seem to get over that fact so I become depressed and finally, I don't get to write anything at all. It's great that I get to read and write and watch and say all these things about art and film that I can do now but since these weren't really what I had wanted to do in the beginning, I feel like I've cheated myself.
It sucks to admit that I can never be good enough for me.