Molding a man.
Well I didn't actually do anything, just a string of unpleasant things to hit me over a short period of time due to problems within myself.
Academically things are fine, just that I'm sort of not inspired by the subjects. Simply that Ecology is still on talking about evolution, and how through its simple concept of Natural Selection can disprove creationism. Really now, for all we know, God decided to create the world through the method that is evolution! Nobody ever bothers to think about that idea...
Fencing is a real drain on me as well. Our coach is muscling as much of his power as he can, and because of our desperation last year, I had those powers instated in our constitution. Also, he's taken some of the drills I do with fencers and destroyed the training I had on them in 5 minutes of his teaching time and reverts them back to being crappy fencers ... Now that I'm changing the constitution again 2 weeks from now, I think he's trying to abuse it as much as possible before he reverts back to being a plain old coach that doesn't hold the lynch pin of the club's existence. However, that's backfiring because now all the executives hate their positions. We all want to leave, and be done with his ranting, his arrogance, and most of all we're all itching to either
a) bitchslap him or stab him (the ladies)
b) Chop him down or shoot him. (Me for either one, because of his bad mouthing other martial arts)
c) Punch his face in. (My current VP "because he's just so fucking annoying")
I've been lazy in taking care of certain things (tidiness) and since I don't own the shelter that keeps me from getting sick, obviously there is criticisms to it. It takes some time for me to let it sink in which has always been a problem.
In either case, that problem keeps adding more to my misery, and has usually prolonged further scrutiny from my parents because I take every word they say to the letter of its meaning as law. So I've always thought when I did something wrong, it's a really big mistake and I should pay for it somehow. It use to be running around doing something like more chores. Now that's useless they say and it doesn't fix things. Which it doesn't, but there is productivity gained from it and I thought a kind of redemption from the previous non-productive state. However, I've been wittled down so much now from me messing up majorly all the time that its depressing on me instead of slave motivating me. I'll never live up to expectations, I've don't got the habits that you demand. I can't even explain myself anymore when I mess up majorly to my family because I just get higher decibels in my ear that they're excuses.
Another point in case is my spiritual life. I believe it is of importance to me, and for me to maintain a reference point of what is following God. I feel my parents, both of them are very far from Him. Both of them are stubborn and prideful to the point that they won't listen to each other, nor any other person in the family. I'll get complaints from dad about working and home stress, then I'll make the suggestion "Pray to God to help you. " It's quite simple, my sister has even told that to dad and it worked after he did it. How come dad listens to her, and not me? I got probably the worst possible answer any Christian could receive "Oh I don't need Him, I can handle it myself. " Then why are you complaining and venting to me if it's a problem you can solve (and he can't solve it!) ... Our previous experiences with God have been strong, have been miraculous, BUT don't be boastful of it! Keep working hard at it, to maintain it!
Unfortunately, that's not the case, and because I had such a horrible time at NTCAC that I decided to quit, my dad seems to have assumed that me trying out NTCBC is to replace them. In actual fact I meant to seek and get an impression on whether they can fulfill what I seek in a church. That is stated above "a reference point." Unfortunately because NTCBC's schedule is in such a way that I can't get a weekend at home. So dad says it's time I stopped going to church and prioritize on home.
Home has the following for me:
1) Weekly arguments between mom and dad
2) a) Dad's built up anger from the argument vented on my bro and I (the order of 1 and 2 can be switched).
2) b) Having that venting be on all our weaknesses that can't be fixed in 1 shot, thus nothing can be done about it now, and we have to wait for proof of change (Can I get drill sarge please?).
3) Be the computer fixer, and then get crapped on when something goes wrong.
Do I want to go home to this?
Well its painful, but I can deal with that since I can extract content that is useful. The part I can't deal with is that I know for sure, I would slowly acquire the pride, the ego/narrowmindedness that would have me reject others, have me lose patience with others for trivial reasons, change me into the person I don't want to be.
Academically things are fine, just that I'm sort of not inspired by the subjects. Simply that Ecology is still on talking about evolution, and how through its simple concept of Natural Selection can disprove creationism. Really now, for all we know, God decided to create the world through the method that is evolution! Nobody ever bothers to think about that idea...
Fencing is a real drain on me as well. Our coach is muscling as much of his power as he can, and because of our desperation last year, I had those powers instated in our constitution. Also, he's taken some of the drills I do with fencers and destroyed the training I had on them in 5 minutes of his teaching time and reverts them back to being crappy fencers ... Now that I'm changing the constitution again 2 weeks from now, I think he's trying to abuse it as much as possible before he reverts back to being a plain old coach that doesn't hold the lynch pin of the club's existence. However, that's backfiring because now all the executives hate their positions. We all want to leave, and be done with his ranting, his arrogance, and most of all we're all itching to either
a) bitchslap him or stab him (the ladies)
b) Chop him down or shoot him. (Me for either one, because of his bad mouthing other martial arts)
c) Punch his face in. (My current VP "because he's just so fucking annoying")
I've been lazy in taking care of certain things (tidiness) and since I don't own the shelter that keeps me from getting sick, obviously there is criticisms to it. It takes some time for me to let it sink in which has always been a problem.
In either case, that problem keeps adding more to my misery, and has usually prolonged further scrutiny from my parents because I take every word they say to the letter of its meaning as law. So I've always thought when I did something wrong, it's a really big mistake and I should pay for it somehow. It use to be running around doing something like more chores. Now that's useless they say and it doesn't fix things. Which it doesn't, but there is productivity gained from it and I thought a kind of redemption from the previous non-productive state. However, I've been wittled down so much now from me messing up majorly all the time that its depressing on me instead of slave motivating me. I'll never live up to expectations, I've don't got the habits that you demand. I can't even explain myself anymore when I mess up majorly to my family because I just get higher decibels in my ear that they're excuses.
Another point in case is my spiritual life. I believe it is of importance to me, and for me to maintain a reference point of what is following God. I feel my parents, both of them are very far from Him. Both of them are stubborn and prideful to the point that they won't listen to each other, nor any other person in the family. I'll get complaints from dad about working and home stress, then I'll make the suggestion "Pray to God to help you. " It's quite simple, my sister has even told that to dad and it worked after he did it. How come dad listens to her, and not me? I got probably the worst possible answer any Christian could receive "Oh I don't need Him, I can handle it myself. " Then why are you complaining and venting to me if it's a problem you can solve (and he can't solve it!) ... Our previous experiences with God have been strong, have been miraculous, BUT don't be boastful of it! Keep working hard at it, to maintain it!
Unfortunately, that's not the case, and because I had such a horrible time at NTCAC that I decided to quit, my dad seems to have assumed that me trying out NTCBC is to replace them. In actual fact I meant to seek and get an impression on whether they can fulfill what I seek in a church. That is stated above "a reference point." Unfortunately because NTCBC's schedule is in such a way that I can't get a weekend at home. So dad says it's time I stopped going to church and prioritize on home.
Home has the following for me:
1) Weekly arguments between mom and dad
2) a) Dad's built up anger from the argument vented on my bro and I (the order of 1 and 2 can be switched).
2) b) Having that venting be on all our weaknesses that can't be fixed in 1 shot, thus nothing can be done about it now, and we have to wait for proof of change (Can I get drill sarge please?).
3) Be the computer fixer, and then get crapped on when something goes wrong.
Do I want to go home to this?
Well its painful, but I can deal with that since I can extract content that is useful. The part I can't deal with is that I know for sure, I would slowly acquire the pride, the ego/narrowmindedness that would have me reject others, have me lose patience with others for trivial reasons, change me into the person I don't want to be.