Random thoughts
I've been doing a lot of thought over the last couple of days. On lots of random things - my committee, my relationships/friendships, future of where I want to be, what I need to do for myself.
The message coming through from external forces right now is that I need to take care of myself and I need to focus on myself, become the person I want to be in order for things to happen. This has been pretty much a recurring theme and is the strongest recurring theme from the last few readings I have had done.
I had a wonderfully in depth conversation last night with chaosmanor, and I think a lot of that was due to the fact that there were some incredibly strong realisations for me through the course of the conversation. This is more a note for me so I am aware for myself what my issues right now are, and can find a way to make this work for me.
One of the biggest realisations last night was the fact that I am not being supported. Others have been telling me this for a while now. Last night, I *really* got this for myself. I didn't join this venture for the guts and glory. I knew it would be a lot of hard work, but at the same time, I hoped it would be a lot of fun as well. I'd get to meet and know more people - people I wouldn't normally associate with and be able to step outside my boundaries. And for the most part, this has happened. I've gotten to know some of them really well, and appreciate that a lot. But last night, I also realised I wasn't being supported. I got really angry last night, and I listened to myself and realised I was really upset by this. I don't like being made out to be a liar, I don't like having my character questioned, when I have striven so hard to make this work on so many different levels. But at a recent meeting, someone made a claim that was undeniably untrue, and justified it to themselves. I know others at the meeting aren't so stupid as to believe this, but in this person making their claim, my work was undone, and I'm the one who comes of looking like I am the liar. But I realised I will not be supported in this because when I brought this up previously as things not done, I was given an excuse by those who should have done something about it. I understand I won't get the apology I deserve for this, but for my own peace of mind, I'm not a liar. It's not a quality I admire, it's not something I would willingly do to myself, and it's not a part of who I want to be.
I understand I will be making a lot of changes this year, and will be making a lot of decisions which others will look at and not necessarily understand. I've already made some incredibly hard decisions this year, because I didn't feel they fit in with what I wanted to achieve.
I told someone I didn't think I could do them the justice required of being a significant part of something important to them. There were an incredible amount of reasons which lead me to this final conclusion. It was an incredibly hard decision for me to make. But realistically, I felt I was not in a meaningful friendship, and so therefore it would of been wrong of me to take what they offered. I felt like the value of friendship for me had moved from being nuturing to a quite materialistic approach and I didn't like that. I use materialistic and understand that it may not be what everyone else deems materialistic. But for me it became a case of comparing what I was putting out and not feeling like it was being appreciated because I wasn't getting the same level of commitment back. That for me is materialistic because it's not based on the pleasure I get from doing something. I don't want that. I want my interactions with people to be significant for me, derived from pleasure, and not have to feel like I have to get something back for it to be meaningful. It made me realise I couldn't put in something of value to that friendship currently, I was feeling too much like it was work and I wasn't deriving the pleasure I should have been from it. It's not what I see being a good friend to be.
I'm learning the values that resonate with me. And I'm finding it incredibly hard to be around people who always have a negative outlook and are just consumed with being miserable. It feels to me like a very narrow viewpoint of life. I struggle to make conversation with them because sooner or later they turn it into a woe is me thing. I understand people have bad days. I'm not talking about the bad days. But does there always have to be a negative to everyday? In the scheme of things, when you look at places like Haiti, the third world countries etc, we are damn lucky to be where we are, and we should be making the most of that. I've pulled back from a lot of people because it takes a lot of effort to maintain someone who is negative, and I find it drains me a lot. I don't have the energy for this. I don't like feeling drained, I don't like being negative. Not part of the person I want to be. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days too. But for the most part, I like that there is a plethora of things in my daily activities that I can be thankful for and be happy about, and I would rather savour that then make everyone else miserable with my unhappiness.
I want in myself to be someone who cares, who is meaningful in all my interactions. I want my connections to be sublime. I want to love people for who they are, and be equally appreciated for the person I am. I want the happiness, I want the joy, I want enthusiasm, I want to feel soul nurtured and not drained. I want to feel like I am responsive to people and am taking on board things they are saying and being proactive with it. I want to be more like the people I admire and less like the people who exhibit traits I don't resonate with.
One of the reasons I have been struggling so much with my current venture is because I don't feel I am adhereing to any of this at all. Public opinion is very low right now and I can fully understand that. I don't feel it's been positive, I don't feel like we are being responsive to feedback, I'm feeling drained and not in the least soul nurtured. And this disappoints me so much right now. But on the same token, I am learning I am one person, and whilst Doof agrees I may be able to move small mountains, this is muhc bigger than a small mountain and I can't do this on my own. I'm trying to be more aware of my own limitations, which is not something I do well :)
If you've been feeling like I have pulled away or whatever, please do not see this as a personal attack on you. Please understand I have been busy, and that I am making a lot of internal changes within me to become someone I am personally happy to be. I understand there are people out there now who think I am okay now, and for that, I really appreciate it. But wait till I'm the person I want to be! I'm sure I'll sparkle ever so much more!
The message coming through from external forces right now is that I need to take care of myself and I need to focus on myself, become the person I want to be in order for things to happen. This has been pretty much a recurring theme and is the strongest recurring theme from the last few readings I have had done.
I had a wonderfully in depth conversation last night with chaosmanor, and I think a lot of that was due to the fact that there were some incredibly strong realisations for me through the course of the conversation. This is more a note for me so I am aware for myself what my issues right now are, and can find a way to make this work for me.
One of the biggest realisations last night was the fact that I am not being supported. Others have been telling me this for a while now. Last night, I *really* got this for myself. I didn't join this venture for the guts and glory. I knew it would be a lot of hard work, but at the same time, I hoped it would be a lot of fun as well. I'd get to meet and know more people - people I wouldn't normally associate with and be able to step outside my boundaries. And for the most part, this has happened. I've gotten to know some of them really well, and appreciate that a lot. But last night, I also realised I wasn't being supported. I got really angry last night, and I listened to myself and realised I was really upset by this. I don't like being made out to be a liar, I don't like having my character questioned, when I have striven so hard to make this work on so many different levels. But at a recent meeting, someone made a claim that was undeniably untrue, and justified it to themselves. I know others at the meeting aren't so stupid as to believe this, but in this person making their claim, my work was undone, and I'm the one who comes of looking like I am the liar. But I realised I will not be supported in this because when I brought this up previously as things not done, I was given an excuse by those who should have done something about it. I understand I won't get the apology I deserve for this, but for my own peace of mind, I'm not a liar. It's not a quality I admire, it's not something I would willingly do to myself, and it's not a part of who I want to be.
I understand I will be making a lot of changes this year, and will be making a lot of decisions which others will look at and not necessarily understand. I've already made some incredibly hard decisions this year, because I didn't feel they fit in with what I wanted to achieve.
I told someone I didn't think I could do them the justice required of being a significant part of something important to them. There were an incredible amount of reasons which lead me to this final conclusion. It was an incredibly hard decision for me to make. But realistically, I felt I was not in a meaningful friendship, and so therefore it would of been wrong of me to take what they offered. I felt like the value of friendship for me had moved from being nuturing to a quite materialistic approach and I didn't like that. I use materialistic and understand that it may not be what everyone else deems materialistic. But for me it became a case of comparing what I was putting out and not feeling like it was being appreciated because I wasn't getting the same level of commitment back. That for me is materialistic because it's not based on the pleasure I get from doing something. I don't want that. I want my interactions with people to be significant for me, derived from pleasure, and not have to feel like I have to get something back for it to be meaningful. It made me realise I couldn't put in something of value to that friendship currently, I was feeling too much like it was work and I wasn't deriving the pleasure I should have been from it. It's not what I see being a good friend to be.
I'm learning the values that resonate with me. And I'm finding it incredibly hard to be around people who always have a negative outlook and are just consumed with being miserable. It feels to me like a very narrow viewpoint of life. I struggle to make conversation with them because sooner or later they turn it into a woe is me thing. I understand people have bad days. I'm not talking about the bad days. But does there always have to be a negative to everyday? In the scheme of things, when you look at places like Haiti, the third world countries etc, we are damn lucky to be where we are, and we should be making the most of that. I've pulled back from a lot of people because it takes a lot of effort to maintain someone who is negative, and I find it drains me a lot. I don't have the energy for this. I don't like feeling drained, I don't like being negative. Not part of the person I want to be. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days too. But for the most part, I like that there is a plethora of things in my daily activities that I can be thankful for and be happy about, and I would rather savour that then make everyone else miserable with my unhappiness.
I want in myself to be someone who cares, who is meaningful in all my interactions. I want my connections to be sublime. I want to love people for who they are, and be equally appreciated for the person I am. I want the happiness, I want the joy, I want enthusiasm, I want to feel soul nurtured and not drained. I want to feel like I am responsive to people and am taking on board things they are saying and being proactive with it. I want to be more like the people I admire and less like the people who exhibit traits I don't resonate with.
One of the reasons I have been struggling so much with my current venture is because I don't feel I am adhereing to any of this at all. Public opinion is very low right now and I can fully understand that. I don't feel it's been positive, I don't feel like we are being responsive to feedback, I'm feeling drained and not in the least soul nurtured. And this disappoints me so much right now. But on the same token, I am learning I am one person, and whilst Doof agrees I may be able to move small mountains, this is muhc bigger than a small mountain and I can't do this on my own. I'm trying to be more aware of my own limitations, which is not something I do well :)
If you've been feeling like I have pulled away or whatever, please do not see this as a personal attack on you. Please understand I have been busy, and that I am making a lot of internal changes within me to become someone I am personally happy to be. I understand there are people out there now who think I am okay now, and for that, I really appreciate it. But wait till I'm the person I want to be! I'm sure I'll sparkle ever so much more!