Of 'Lockon Stratos' and Living up to it
Title: Of 'Lockon Stratos' and Living up to it
Author: LinSetsu
Fandom: Gundam 00
Genre: General
Characters: Lockon Stratos, Lyle Dylandy, Neil Dylandy
Rating: PG-13 (for some swearing)
Warnings/kinks: no kinks. AU. Spoilers for those of you who have not yet seen the latest episodes of Season 2.
Summary: The 6th and final Part of the AU series "Of Living".
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam 00, nor any of its characters.
Oh gawd, I suck at endings. I'm so sorry >_<
But anyways...huge thank yous to everyone who have been reading along and offering wonderful comments! The "Of Living" series would not have existed without you! Thank you, and please keep an eye out for a possible epilogue!
Of ‘Lockon Stratos’ and Living up to it
It was one of those rare nights when his dreams were not be filled with phantom pains, of cold hard walls and floors pressing into him, of twisted laughter and bruising fingers around his throat. Neither were they filled with the nothingness that could only be described by those who had lived through it.
He was dreaming of their childhood, of warm summers in the fields of Ireland. The sun was shining, vast nimbus clouds were floating on the horizon, the gentle breeze driving the unbearable heat away. It air was filled with laughter; smiles in every direction; voices full of joyfulness and life.
“Onii-chan!”
“Nii-san!”
He scooped little Amy in his arms, and she clung to his head, giggling. He reached out with his other hand and playfully ruffled Lyle’s hair, only to be swatted away with a pouting scowl.
They laughed together.
It wasn’t dark anymore when he opened his eyes again. Grey light slithered through the heavy blinds of the window, bathing the room in a monochrome. How long had it been since he had last been awake? He didn’t remember much of what had happened, other than that something had happened.
He let it be. It would come back to him in time - they always did.
The ceiling had become somewhat familiar to him as he had awakened to it several times now. It was familiar in its foreign way. He had no idea where he was, or how he had gotten here - only that his wounds had been treated and someone had cared for him enough to keep him alive.
Yesterday, or whenever he had last woken up, had been the first time he had felt strong enough to move. Removing the IV needles had been quick work. Resetting the heart-rate monitor had been tedious, but no difficult. Standing up had been surprisingly problematic and the inability to move around had been sickening.
Understandably so. If the date shown in the top corner of the television screen was correct, several years had passed without him knowing it. Several years spent…dreaming.
Slowly, he turned his head to the side, and could make out the figure of someone sitting on the floor, his back to the bed. He blinked, allowing his optical nerves to adjust at its own pace, until he could recognise the sleeping face beside him.
Lye dozed with one arm propped up on a bent knee, his head leaning against the crook of his elbow.
Neil found that he was not surprised to see his brother there. The fact that he did not know why he was not surprised didn’t seem to disturb him either. It was a simple acceptance to which he would perhaps later find the answer to.
For now, it did not matter.
Raising his hand, he reached over and gently draped his fingers on Lyle’s hair. A small jerk told him the touch had roused his brother from his sleep, but Lyle made no further movement. Neil cast his eyes to the ceiling again.
“You’ve grown,” he said quietly.
“It’s been 17 years,” Lyle replied in an equally quiet voice. Without moving his head, he glanced at clock portrayed on the television screen. 17:29.
“How’ve you been?” Neil asked.
“Fine…thanks to you.”
“Did you go to college?”
“What else was I meant to do with the amount of money you sent me?” Neil didn’t answer the question, but Lyle hadn’t been expecting him to.
“What did you study?”
“Business and Management.”
“And then?”
“I did my Masters, then got into a top-class trading company.”
“Did you like it?”
Lyle shrugged. “It wasn’t anything I’d put my heart and soul into.”
“When did you quit?”
“Three years ago.”
There was a pause.
“Did you get the car?”
“The Lancia? It’s down in the garage.”
Neil breathed a smile. There was a pause again, stretching longer this time, and for several seconds, only the low drone of the newscaster filled the room. Neil was the first to break the silence.
“Did you hate me, Lyle?” he asked, easing his eyes closed for a moment. “For sending you strange things…for pushing my selfish expectations on you…for never seeing you?”
Lyle stared at the floor for a long time without replying. Then he lifted a hand and placed it against Neil’s for a second before pushing it off his head. He heard and felt it land against the mattress, but Neil said nothing.
“I joined Celestial Being,” Lyle said at last.
“I know,” Neil replied. He didn’t know how he knew, but the fact was real in his mind. It made sense, after all. Setsuna had been shouting for ‘Lockon’ before Neil had even spoken. Ah, there was that missing memory. “When?”
“Almost half a year ago. Setsuna told me about you.” Then as an afterthought, he added, “They still think you’re dead.”
“I’m as good as dead. How is everyone?”
“Dead people don’t talk. They miss you…in many ways. Tiera still won’t call me ‘Lockon’.”
“My life as a pilot ended years ago.” Then he smiled. “Tiera’s a stubborn one, but he means well.”
“If you’re referring to your disability, modern medicine is the charm. It makes me wonder what you did to get past that brick wall surrounding him.”
“It’s been too long. I only knocked; he came out on his own.”
“The world hasn’t changed.” He hesitated, knowing he should comment about something else, about Tiera or Allelujah or Setsuna or Sumeragi or Feldt, but he found his thoughts narrowing into one single topic. “It’s still the same as five years ago. You started out on a job and you haven’t finished it. Isn’t it your responsibility as - “
“Lyle,” Neil cut in, “I’m not ‘Lockon Stratos’ anymore.”
Lyle closed his parted mouth and frowned at his feet. He wanted nothing more than to turn around and shake his brother until he understood. This wasn’t about being dead or not dead, about being fit enough to pilot or Gundam or not. Neil didn’t understand - he hadn’t seen their reactions, hadn’t felt their eyes, hadn’t experienced the height of their expectations.
“I’m not ‘Lockon Stratos’ either,” he muttered bitterly. He hadn’t been able to carry the weight of that name.
Neil silently stared at the ceiling, his brother’s words ringing in his ears. He closed his left eye and the world turned black.
“I’m sorry.”
“Ali-Al-Sachez isn’t dead, you know.”
His eye snapped open, and for a fraction of a second, he was in that cell again, bound and chocked. His body tensed, his fist clenched and teeth braced against each other to stifle the scream that rose in his throat. A low growling voice was growing distant in his head until it faded altogether and he blinked at the ceiling again. Cold sweat ran down the back of his neck as his muscles slowly relaxed once more.
“I know,” Neil said.
Lyle felt a pang of guilt for the strain in his twin’s voice but he wasn’t going to back down now.
“He’s still out there killing the innocent as we speak.” Neil had to see what he was pointing at, even if he himself didn’t know what it was. “Your sacrifice was in vain.” Was he being too harsh? “You never got your revenge! You - ”
“That’s enough, Lyle.”
Lyle spun around, fingers curled into fists, frustration flashing in his narrowed eyes as they glared down at the man before him. There was so much he wanted this man to know, to understand, so much he wanted to tell, to show, to be understood. So many things that could not be said in a thousand sentences that could be conveyed in a single word.
“Nii-san - !”
Neil’s eye was firm, meeting the desperation in the face of the man above him and holding it steady.
“I’m not going to take your place as ‘Lockon Stratos’,” he said.
Lyle faltered, his eyes widening at the realisation. Was that what he had wished for? For Neil to relieve him of the misery? For Neil to return to Celestial Being and take up the place that was rightfully his?
He sank onto his heels, face shifting to stare down at the sheets crumpled in his hands.
“I still can’t reach your sniping records,” he muttered softly.
“Records are meaningless,” Neil responded. “They don’t correlate with skill at all.”
“They won’t stop looking at me as if expecting to see someone else.”
“They’ll stop once you stop trying to meet their expectations.”
“I never was.”
“You just never noticed.”
“And you did?”
“Somewhat.”
Lyle was silent, knowing better than to doubt his brother’s words. Neil shifted, drawing his arm back and pushing himself slowly upright. Drawn by the movement, Lyle looked up again and was captured by the one-eyed gaze.
“Why did you join Celestial Being, Lyle?” his brother asked, and he knew immediately that it wasn’t a rhetorical question. Why?
“I…”
Why?
He had thought…
He had wanted to…
He had wished for…
He had chosen to…
…what?
“Did you forget?” Neil inquired, the unspoken question hanging in the air between them: Were you too caught up in trying to become ‘Lockon Stratos’ to forget the reason you joined?
Had he? Lyle could only ask himself. A snide voice in the back of his head was scoffing. What was he doing? Why had he become so weak? Hadn’t be hardened his resolve when he had first left to become a Meister? Hadn’t he stepped out from Neil’s shadow during those long years they had been separated?
Lyle told it to shut up. Just today, just now, just this moment, just in the presence of this man, he promised to himself, he wanted to be honest.
“The man who can snipe beyond the stratosphere,” Neil said, and he looked up questioningly. Neil smiled a little. “That’s ‘Lockon Stratos’, nothing more, nothing less.”
Lyle stared at him and he just smiled back, not as bright and innocent and ear-stretching as it had been years ago, but just as gentle, just as caring.
“Code name ‘Lockon Stratos’, the man who can snipe beyond the stratosphere. You chose to change the world.”
At 19:10, Lyle opened the door to his work station to find Neil still sitting up, propped against a pile of pillows and staring at the wall. He looked up when he entered and gave him a brief smile.
“You’re leaving?”
Lyle nodded. “I’ve organised a private doctor to come visit you tomorrow. He’s not with the government or Kataron, so you can trust him; I’ve known him for a long time.”
“Thanks.”
Lyle hesitated. He’d left some food and water on a table beside the bed and the doctor would be bringing a wheelchair with him the next day. A spare key was lying on his desk and he’d brought out some of his clothes if Neil wanted to change. He had offered to leave a credit chip, but his brother had refused it.
“I don’t know when I’ll be back next…”
“I know. Don’t worry about me. You focus on what needs to be done.”
Lyle nodded and turned around, pulling the door closed behind him. When it was almost shut, he paused.
“You asked if I’d hated you,” he said and went on without waiting for a response. “I only hated you for lying.”
I’ll be right back, Lyle.
“I’m sorry,” he heard Neil mutter.
“Nii-san?” he began, hesitated a second, and then asked, “was I a brother you could be proud of?”
Neil was smiling, he could feel it.
“Yes.”
Lyle lifted his gaze from the floor and stared straight ahead, his shoulders drawing back as he stood a little taller, the weight a little lighter to bear. He found himself smiling.
“Thank you.”
~fin~
Author: LinSetsu
Fandom: Gundam 00
Genre: General
Characters: Lockon Stratos, Lyle Dylandy, Neil Dylandy
Rating: PG-13 (for some swearing)
Warnings/kinks: no kinks. AU. Spoilers for those of you who have not yet seen the latest episodes of Season 2.
Summary: The 6th and final Part of the AU series "Of Living".
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam 00, nor any of its characters.
Oh gawd, I suck at endings. I'm so sorry >_<
But anyways...huge thank yous to everyone who have been reading along and offering wonderful comments! The "Of Living" series would not have existed without you! Thank you, and please keep an eye out for a possible epilogue!
Of ‘Lockon Stratos’ and Living up to it
It was one of those rare nights when his dreams were not be filled with phantom pains, of cold hard walls and floors pressing into him, of twisted laughter and bruising fingers around his throat. Neither were they filled with the nothingness that could only be described by those who had lived through it.
He was dreaming of their childhood, of warm summers in the fields of Ireland. The sun was shining, vast nimbus clouds were floating on the horizon, the gentle breeze driving the unbearable heat away. It air was filled with laughter; smiles in every direction; voices full of joyfulness and life.
“Onii-chan!”
“Nii-san!”
He scooped little Amy in his arms, and she clung to his head, giggling. He reached out with his other hand and playfully ruffled Lyle’s hair, only to be swatted away with a pouting scowl.
They laughed together.
It wasn’t dark anymore when he opened his eyes again. Grey light slithered through the heavy blinds of the window, bathing the room in a monochrome. How long had it been since he had last been awake? He didn’t remember much of what had happened, other than that something had happened.
He let it be. It would come back to him in time - they always did.
The ceiling had become somewhat familiar to him as he had awakened to it several times now. It was familiar in its foreign way. He had no idea where he was, or how he had gotten here - only that his wounds had been treated and someone had cared for him enough to keep him alive.
Yesterday, or whenever he had last woken up, had been the first time he had felt strong enough to move. Removing the IV needles had been quick work. Resetting the heart-rate monitor had been tedious, but no difficult. Standing up had been surprisingly problematic and the inability to move around had been sickening.
Understandably so. If the date shown in the top corner of the television screen was correct, several years had passed without him knowing it. Several years spent…dreaming.
Slowly, he turned his head to the side, and could make out the figure of someone sitting on the floor, his back to the bed. He blinked, allowing his optical nerves to adjust at its own pace, until he could recognise the sleeping face beside him.
Lye dozed with one arm propped up on a bent knee, his head leaning against the crook of his elbow.
Neil found that he was not surprised to see his brother there. The fact that he did not know why he was not surprised didn’t seem to disturb him either. It was a simple acceptance to which he would perhaps later find the answer to.
For now, it did not matter.
Raising his hand, he reached over and gently draped his fingers on Lyle’s hair. A small jerk told him the touch had roused his brother from his sleep, but Lyle made no further movement. Neil cast his eyes to the ceiling again.
“You’ve grown,” he said quietly.
“It’s been 17 years,” Lyle replied in an equally quiet voice. Without moving his head, he glanced at clock portrayed on the television screen. 17:29.
“How’ve you been?” Neil asked.
“Fine…thanks to you.”
“Did you go to college?”
“What else was I meant to do with the amount of money you sent me?” Neil didn’t answer the question, but Lyle hadn’t been expecting him to.
“What did you study?”
“Business and Management.”
“And then?”
“I did my Masters, then got into a top-class trading company.”
“Did you like it?”
Lyle shrugged. “It wasn’t anything I’d put my heart and soul into.”
“When did you quit?”
“Three years ago.”
There was a pause.
“Did you get the car?”
“The Lancia? It’s down in the garage.”
Neil breathed a smile. There was a pause again, stretching longer this time, and for several seconds, only the low drone of the newscaster filled the room. Neil was the first to break the silence.
“Did you hate me, Lyle?” he asked, easing his eyes closed for a moment. “For sending you strange things…for pushing my selfish expectations on you…for never seeing you?”
Lyle stared at the floor for a long time without replying. Then he lifted a hand and placed it against Neil’s for a second before pushing it off his head. He heard and felt it land against the mattress, but Neil said nothing.
“I joined Celestial Being,” Lyle said at last.
“I know,” Neil replied. He didn’t know how he knew, but the fact was real in his mind. It made sense, after all. Setsuna had been shouting for ‘Lockon’ before Neil had even spoken. Ah, there was that missing memory. “When?”
“Almost half a year ago. Setsuna told me about you.” Then as an afterthought, he added, “They still think you’re dead.”
“I’m as good as dead. How is everyone?”
“Dead people don’t talk. They miss you…in many ways. Tiera still won’t call me ‘Lockon’.”
“My life as a pilot ended years ago.” Then he smiled. “Tiera’s a stubborn one, but he means well.”
“If you’re referring to your disability, modern medicine is the charm. It makes me wonder what you did to get past that brick wall surrounding him.”
“It’s been too long. I only knocked; he came out on his own.”
“The world hasn’t changed.” He hesitated, knowing he should comment about something else, about Tiera or Allelujah or Setsuna or Sumeragi or Feldt, but he found his thoughts narrowing into one single topic. “It’s still the same as five years ago. You started out on a job and you haven’t finished it. Isn’t it your responsibility as - “
“Lyle,” Neil cut in, “I’m not ‘Lockon Stratos’ anymore.”
Lyle closed his parted mouth and frowned at his feet. He wanted nothing more than to turn around and shake his brother until he understood. This wasn’t about being dead or not dead, about being fit enough to pilot or Gundam or not. Neil didn’t understand - he hadn’t seen their reactions, hadn’t felt their eyes, hadn’t experienced the height of their expectations.
“I’m not ‘Lockon Stratos’ either,” he muttered bitterly. He hadn’t been able to carry the weight of that name.
Neil silently stared at the ceiling, his brother’s words ringing in his ears. He closed his left eye and the world turned black.
“I’m sorry.”
“Ali-Al-Sachez isn’t dead, you know.”
His eye snapped open, and for a fraction of a second, he was in that cell again, bound and chocked. His body tensed, his fist clenched and teeth braced against each other to stifle the scream that rose in his throat. A low growling voice was growing distant in his head until it faded altogether and he blinked at the ceiling again. Cold sweat ran down the back of his neck as his muscles slowly relaxed once more.
“I know,” Neil said.
Lyle felt a pang of guilt for the strain in his twin’s voice but he wasn’t going to back down now.
“He’s still out there killing the innocent as we speak.” Neil had to see what he was pointing at, even if he himself didn’t know what it was. “Your sacrifice was in vain.” Was he being too harsh? “You never got your revenge! You - ”
“That’s enough, Lyle.”
Lyle spun around, fingers curled into fists, frustration flashing in his narrowed eyes as they glared down at the man before him. There was so much he wanted this man to know, to understand, so much he wanted to tell, to show, to be understood. So many things that could not be said in a thousand sentences that could be conveyed in a single word.
“Nii-san - !”
Neil’s eye was firm, meeting the desperation in the face of the man above him and holding it steady.
“I’m not going to take your place as ‘Lockon Stratos’,” he said.
Lyle faltered, his eyes widening at the realisation. Was that what he had wished for? For Neil to relieve him of the misery? For Neil to return to Celestial Being and take up the place that was rightfully his?
He sank onto his heels, face shifting to stare down at the sheets crumpled in his hands.
“I still can’t reach your sniping records,” he muttered softly.
“Records are meaningless,” Neil responded. “They don’t correlate with skill at all.”
“They won’t stop looking at me as if expecting to see someone else.”
“They’ll stop once you stop trying to meet their expectations.”
“I never was.”
“You just never noticed.”
“And you did?”
“Somewhat.”
Lyle was silent, knowing better than to doubt his brother’s words. Neil shifted, drawing his arm back and pushing himself slowly upright. Drawn by the movement, Lyle looked up again and was captured by the one-eyed gaze.
“Why did you join Celestial Being, Lyle?” his brother asked, and he knew immediately that it wasn’t a rhetorical question. Why?
“I…”
Why?
He had thought…
He had wanted to…
He had wished for…
He had chosen to…
…what?
“Did you forget?” Neil inquired, the unspoken question hanging in the air between them: Were you too caught up in trying to become ‘Lockon Stratos’ to forget the reason you joined?
Had he? Lyle could only ask himself. A snide voice in the back of his head was scoffing. What was he doing? Why had he become so weak? Hadn’t be hardened his resolve when he had first left to become a Meister? Hadn’t he stepped out from Neil’s shadow during those long years they had been separated?
Lyle told it to shut up. Just today, just now, just this moment, just in the presence of this man, he promised to himself, he wanted to be honest.
“The man who can snipe beyond the stratosphere,” Neil said, and he looked up questioningly. Neil smiled a little. “That’s ‘Lockon Stratos’, nothing more, nothing less.”
Lyle stared at him and he just smiled back, not as bright and innocent and ear-stretching as it had been years ago, but just as gentle, just as caring.
“Code name ‘Lockon Stratos’, the man who can snipe beyond the stratosphere. You chose to change the world.”
At 19:10, Lyle opened the door to his work station to find Neil still sitting up, propped against a pile of pillows and staring at the wall. He looked up when he entered and gave him a brief smile.
“You’re leaving?”
Lyle nodded. “I’ve organised a private doctor to come visit you tomorrow. He’s not with the government or Kataron, so you can trust him; I’ve known him for a long time.”
“Thanks.”
Lyle hesitated. He’d left some food and water on a table beside the bed and the doctor would be bringing a wheelchair with him the next day. A spare key was lying on his desk and he’d brought out some of his clothes if Neil wanted to change. He had offered to leave a credit chip, but his brother had refused it.
“I don’t know when I’ll be back next…”
“I know. Don’t worry about me. You focus on what needs to be done.”
Lyle nodded and turned around, pulling the door closed behind him. When it was almost shut, he paused.
“You asked if I’d hated you,” he said and went on without waiting for a response. “I only hated you for lying.”
I’ll be right back, Lyle.
“I’m sorry,” he heard Neil mutter.
“Nii-san?” he began, hesitated a second, and then asked, “was I a brother you could be proud of?”
Neil was smiling, he could feel it.
“Yes.”
Lyle lifted his gaze from the floor and stared straight ahead, his shoulders drawing back as he stood a little taller, the weight a little lighter to bear. He found himself smiling.
“Thank you.”
~fin~