not being able to survive...is not an option
*sigh* i'm not really sure how i am actually. all i know is that everything is going wrong nowadays but i've been holding myself together without causing harm to myself. alltho, i feel bad for my close friends cuz i keep having mood swings with them about everything and saying things i really didnt mean at all. ergh. not fun. well, my family is as good as its gunna get i guess. still a lot of tension everyday but o well. u know, out of everything going on, i feel really really bad because my little brother doesnt get to have a normal "funtastic" kid life like i think i had wen i was younger. instead everyone snaps everyday leeving everyone mad and aggravated. he doesnt get to have a great childhood. instead he gets yelled at like everyday and hit by our dad and such like we all did wen we were younger. you know what i'm most scared of? following in one of my sisters footsteps. i'm trying soo hard to be different. but i dunno. i dont wanna be like my older sister and have no idea what you're doing with your life and chosing some guy over family and stuff. but i also cant be my other sister cuz well i dont want to be. and i'm just soo afraid that i will slip and end up walking their life. ha, everyone looks at me as the better sister cuz i'm nicer than both my sisters...even my sisters friends and such. heh. i miss church soo much. i could live there i love it. church is my favorite place to be. i'm always soo relaxed there no matter what. my older sister gave up on God, my other sister hates the people in our church, my dad is only ok with church, and thats it. my mum, jon and i are the only ones anymore. i dunno. i just really miss my old life. where we had stress free family problems. like , theres no bandaids for an invisble boo boo. or you ran out of popsicles or something. where believing in God was no problem. where i was close with my sisters and such. its funny how things changed ya kno? its because the older you get the more blind and stupider you are to everything. You start questioning everything that comes your way and make things harder to believe. I remember when your younger you like never give up. and then when you grow up life is a choice between either give up or take everything thrown at you. either believe in God or not. either sin or not. either do this or that. there is no middle ground anymore. the trouble and hard thing in life is trying to be you in a world of fakes. trying to stick true to your faith while everyone around you is just waiting for the moment you fall...or mess up. its hard to love those whom cause you so much pain but you must. its hard to try not to sin when youre living in a filthy world full of it. everything can go wrong at any given moment if you dont watch out. once everything is going good...beware for that thing that will cause everything to go bad.you cant close your eyes to life cuz thats when it loves to strike best when your turned around. once you fall you must be able to stand right back up again as fast as you can...cuz once your down it throughs everything it can at you. take it one problem at a time.