Jan 06, 2006 00:51
I've been having terrible dreams recently. I'm not even sure where to begin, but I think it's my medication. I don't know, but it makes me very anxious in my waking hours, afraid to fall asleep and wake more restless.
Last year I had bad dreams, I had anxiety attacks in my sleep. One such dream involved an immense structure by the ocean, and I imagine in my head that it was in Aceh. The structure was tall, like an enourmous scaffold. There were people, immense numbers of people climbing the sides of this immpossible scaffold in an effort to escape a rising water below. I found myself amongst them, knowing I can't swim and knowing that I had to reach the top. But somewhere, somewhere in the middle I looked up and saw a giant mill wheel, and some unreasonable amount of water peaking over the paddles. Then it fell, knocking people from the scaffold by the dozens, myself among them. I think I died, because it was then that my dream started over. At the bottom of the scaffold. But I remembered the mill wheel, and something in my head told me that if I reached a certain point I'd be safe when the water started to fall. So I climbed faster that time, not just escaping the rising tide below me, but the emminent failure I felt I faced above me. Somehow, though, I got there. I got to the top of the scaffold just as the water began pouring over the sides. I held on with all my might, but the water below me didn't stop coming, and the water over the mill wheel seemed to pull at me. I woke up thinking I'd die again, and I had no idea how I was meant to save myself.
I later learned I had to fly away. Not in a dream, mind you, but with thoughtful consideration while fully conscious. In my mind I flew to Australia. I don't know why, but it was my safe place. I'd never been, but I knew exactly where I needed to go. I think that's why it became so important to me all of a sudden. I was drowning, and waiting to be dragged under, but Australia was something safer.
I don't know what my dreams mean this time, but they were terrifying, and much more realistic.
I remember it being a holocaust of sorts, there was a regime and streets full of military police.I remember running through streets I thought were empty, under the archways of the train tracks, past abandoned shops and factories. Then I remember being captive, being told I was going to be executed for some transgression I didn't remember doing. No, I remember doing it, I just don't remember it being wrong. But it was. I was terrified, and I shouted at them that I had never done what they said I did, that I would never do something so wrong as demanded my own death for it. I don't know how, but it swayed them. The next thing I knew I was on a train, a bright white and gray passenger train with large windows and gray seats, like the trains in Sydney or the Underground in London. We were going through mountains, and I think I was told that those of us who had been prisoner were being taken to a neutral place where we would be set free. I believed it for a time, and I wished the train along its route in the hopes that my family (who was also on the train) and I would arrive safely. But it didn't last. The guards on the train started taking people away, one by one and two by two to 'take care' of them. I remember thinking they were throwing bodies off the train, but they were dead bodies, people they'd just killed. I was terrified, because inside myself I knew that we weren't meant to get to our safe place. They killed a man in front of me, and I looked down so I wouldn't see and so they wouldn't take notice of me, but I could see his face out of the corner of my eye, and I started crying silently. I turned away, curled up on the seat which was suddenly empty but for myself and held myself, wishing I could tell my family my secret: don't look, don't react, they won't see you. Pretent to be asleep... I remember a guard walking past me and whispering that to me. I'm not sure why, but he did. I wanted to tell my family, I wanted them to pretend like I was so they wouldn't get hurt, but there was nothing I could do. Another guard rushed through the car, demanding that we be quiet, silent, and go to sleep. I didn't sleep, but I pretended. I pretended with all my might, and soon the car was almost empty. The train was almost empty. I remember two men asking for a last moment of intimacy as they were being taken away to the back of the train, they stood at the door, balanced precariously on the step that dropped away into nothing but rushing tracks and clicking wheels. The guard laughed and humoured them, then pushed them away. I don't remember anything else, except knowing that I had seen it and not done anything. I was mad at myself for not saying anything like I had before, and I remember the absolute dread I felt when I realised we were the only ones left.
Then I woke up.
I can't fly away from that. What do I do? What happens if I have that dream again tonight? Or another one that's just as terrifying? Where's my safe place? And how do I get there when I have my family to take care of? Why can't I be on my own? It's so much easier on my own, then I can just run away. I can't run away, but I really want to right now. I'm just not sure what I'm running from, or what I'm running to.