a story I wrote after three or four glasses of wine...
the other side of...Virginia Slims
A massively short story by linnea emigh.
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived by the side of a well. He was a mildly attractive frog with a few friends and friendly neighbours. But all that and he was sad and lonely. All he had in the world was his farrah faucett poster and a pair of socks with bunnies on the heel.
One day, in the middle of summer, the frog (let’s call him franco) was sitting on the well, his bunny socks pulled up to his knees and his farrah faucett rolled up beside him, smoking a ridiculously long cigarette. The ash fell to the grass in hot, smoldering spirals, and out of the smoke came a soft and fluffy sheep whom we shall call Vicky. Vicky wore a knit vest of many colours and chewed happily on a leek.
“Good morning, franco,” she said, as if in a daze. “what a warm day it is here by the well. Perhaps it is summer?”
Franco nodded, still curious as to why a sheep had appeared out of his ash. Things of that nature never happened when he smoked Virginia slims.
The sheep, Vicky, clattered onto the well and sat down next to franco, sniffing in the smoke and tugging at the leek with her delicate, awkward hoof. “you’re a very sweet frog,” She said.
“why thank you, ma’am.” Franco replied with a croak, his feet hooked nervously together and his cigarette dangling from his fat, green lips. “you know you’re the first sheep I ever saw up close.”
Vicky laughed, dropping her leek to the ground. She frowned when she noticed and reached in vain towards the limp vegetable. “stupidmotherfuckinassholedamngoddman vegetables”, she muttered as she struggled towards the fallen leek.
“Let me help you.” Franco jumped from the well and retrieved the chewed leek, returning it to the grumpy sheep.
Vicky clapped with joy, her eyes shutting in excitement. “You’re such a special frog, franco, I’m going to grant you three wishes.”
So the sheep with the leek in her mouth granted the unhappy frog three wishes.
“Well,” said franco, “I suppose I would like for my farrah faucett poster to come to life. Afterall, she is the only woman I have ever loved.”
And it was so. The leggy blonde popped out of the well, thoroughly surprised and mostly naked.
“And second,” continued the frog, “I would like to be able to snot cream cheese. Often have I found myself with a bagel but without cream cheese.”
And it was so. The frog laughed, and cream cheese poured from his sizeable nostrils.
“Oh joy! And finally… I wish for you to turn into a lady frog, and give me the pleasure you give your leek.”
Begrudgingly, the sheep turned herself into a frog, a lovely lady frog with an enourmous “leek” in her mouth.
And franco the frog found himself… without.
The end.
A massively short story by linnea emigh.
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived by the side of a well. He was a mildly attractive frog with a few friends and friendly neighbours. But all that and he was sad and lonely. All he had in the world was his farrah faucett poster and a pair of socks with bunnies on the heel.
One day, in the middle of summer, the frog (let’s call him franco) was sitting on the well, his bunny socks pulled up to his knees and his farrah faucett rolled up beside him, smoking a ridiculously long cigarette. The ash fell to the grass in hot, smoldering spirals, and out of the smoke came a soft and fluffy sheep whom we shall call Vicky. Vicky wore a knit vest of many colours and chewed happily on a leek.
“Good morning, franco,” she said, as if in a daze. “what a warm day it is here by the well. Perhaps it is summer?”
Franco nodded, still curious as to why a sheep had appeared out of his ash. Things of that nature never happened when he smoked Virginia slims.
The sheep, Vicky, clattered onto the well and sat down next to franco, sniffing in the smoke and tugging at the leek with her delicate, awkward hoof. “you’re a very sweet frog,” She said.
“why thank you, ma’am.” Franco replied with a croak, his feet hooked nervously together and his cigarette dangling from his fat, green lips. “you know you’re the first sheep I ever saw up close.”
Vicky laughed, dropping her leek to the ground. She frowned when she noticed and reached in vain towards the limp vegetable. “stupidmotherfuckinassholedamngoddman vegetables”, she muttered as she struggled towards the fallen leek.
“Let me help you.” Franco jumped from the well and retrieved the chewed leek, returning it to the grumpy sheep.
Vicky clapped with joy, her eyes shutting in excitement. “You’re such a special frog, franco, I’m going to grant you three wishes.”
So the sheep with the leek in her mouth granted the unhappy frog three wishes.
“Well,” said franco, “I suppose I would like for my farrah faucett poster to come to life. Afterall, she is the only woman I have ever loved.”
And it was so. The leggy blonde popped out of the well, thoroughly surprised and mostly naked.
“And second,” continued the frog, “I would like to be able to snot cream cheese. Often have I found myself with a bagel but without cream cheese.”
And it was so. The frog laughed, and cream cheese poured from his sizeable nostrils.
“Oh joy! And finally… I wish for you to turn into a lady frog, and give me the pleasure you give your leek.”
Begrudgingly, the sheep turned herself into a frog, a lovely lady frog with an enourmous “leek” in her mouth.
And franco the frog found himself… without.
The end.