Almost headed home....
So, it is always a bit of a chaotic adventure when I head south where I grew up and spent the first thirty years of my life. The fifthteen hour drive went unusually well, and we managed to actually make it to my parents house in time for dinner. Mom made the most homey and wonderful beef stew, a perfect treat after an extremely long day. She also had made James a Lemon Merange pie... it was... yum... and the merange-- perfect... a rare and accomplished feat for any cook. One I have yet to attempt.
While things were busy, what with two birthdays to celebrate (mine is two days after his) the week before Christmas chaos to tend to and brief but necessary meetings with old friends, new friends, renewed friends and family, I can honestly say that I wouldn't really change much... I've traveled back home at least once every year since I moved to Michigan in 2002. I can't always see everyone that I want to... there are almost always tiny regrets that something or someone got missed. All in all, however, I think I've managed quite well given the extreme constraints of both finances and work over the years. I have at the very least been blessed with family and friends who understand.
It is a strange thing to try to balance, and I find that every year I reflect more and more on the trips and the juggling of each visit. I did not get to see someone this year because it was 'inconvenient' for them, and while I am a bit annoyed, in part because I was not really all that surprised, I am okay with it. Lack of love was not the issue, but more a case 'tunnel vision' that often gets in the way. Hopefully, it can be worked around next time.
Going home, however, is often tinged with a strange sort of poinant saddness; that open acknowledgement of the loss one experiences when so very far away from people you care about. The moments that friends have shared together coupled with the knowledge that you no longer can.
When my mother broke her ankle last year, it was so very difficult to not be able to drop everything and drive to see her-- to sit with her on those long days of healing, something I could have done before. I worry about my parents and wish I could help with some of the projects that my father concocts or spend a day with my mom and her quilting.
I miss those summer days sitting on their porch, and wonder why I didn't appreciate them more when I had the time and ease to do so.
The choice to move from GA to MI was one of the most difficult that I have made in my life. There were so many things I had to weigh, and even now I have moments when I question the choice. Do I leave my friends... Can I leave my family. But when it came to the final decision, I was forced to make the best choice for me, and not for those around me, or even my family. I needed to break away and find out who I was and wanted to become.
I have found this person hidden behind all the barriers I possessed in my past, a woman I enjoy being, though sometimes struggle to maintain. I am a stronger, more confident person because of the choices I have made over the years, and am for the first time in my life truly content-- even on the really bad days.
It has been a long process, at times, to re-introduce my family to their daughter, sister, neice, cousin... Show them who the little girl they once knew, changed from the often troubled young woman to something else. It is a process that over the last 8 years has developed slowly and now I can understand that they have started to really see me.
It is liberating and infuses me with a great love for these incredible people who were willing to take the time to get to know me all over again as the woman I have become. Who I am now, not who I was before. And have them teach me, or remind me that I'm still shades of that little girl after all.
I reconnected with friends this holiday season, some of whom I had not seen in over 15 years. They reminded me of who I was, who I have become and how a good friendship of the past, can still lurk there after 15 years of silence. Circumstance can sometimes force you to examine your very inner self, but sometimes, if you are lucky, when you do... even if it takes a lifetime of discovery, you can find that inner self is a person that even you would friend.... I have found that to be one of the best gifts I could have recieved this holiday season.
I am not who I was when I moved from Georgia to Michigan. I am so much more. I have learned to truly live and experience life in these last few years. I have loved and I have lost. I have fallen and I have picked myself back up. I have struggled with the darkest parts of my soul and found freedom in the acceptance of self, good and bad. I have gathered around me the most wonderful group of friends, confidents, playmates, and family.
Within the time I have spent with them these past years, I have found relationships that I know will survive a lifetime with people who care and love me for who I am as an individual and within the group. I have learned to spead my wings and try to fly, knowing that there are those who care enough to, if not catch me when I fall, at least help patch up the wounds.
For all of those past and present, I wish to thank you and bless you and hope that you all know of my love and affection for you. For my family whom I have reconnected with, I have missed you, it's nice to be able to talk and write to you again.
I find as this year comes to it's gentle close, that I look forward to the next year and the expected and unexpect turns that I might find as it unfolds. It is my most sincere hope that you all find new experiences that fill you with a little bit of wonder and joy in the year to come. That as the next year's challenges greet you, there is a moment where you can look within your self and find a perfect moment of contentedness.
I did, sitting here at the computer in the den with my family, while they watched the GA football game...
While things were busy, what with two birthdays to celebrate (mine is two days after his) the week before Christmas chaos to tend to and brief but necessary meetings with old friends, new friends, renewed friends and family, I can honestly say that I wouldn't really change much... I've traveled back home at least once every year since I moved to Michigan in 2002. I can't always see everyone that I want to... there are almost always tiny regrets that something or someone got missed. All in all, however, I think I've managed quite well given the extreme constraints of both finances and work over the years. I have at the very least been blessed with family and friends who understand.
It is a strange thing to try to balance, and I find that every year I reflect more and more on the trips and the juggling of each visit. I did not get to see someone this year because it was 'inconvenient' for them, and while I am a bit annoyed, in part because I was not really all that surprised, I am okay with it. Lack of love was not the issue, but more a case 'tunnel vision' that often gets in the way. Hopefully, it can be worked around next time.
Going home, however, is often tinged with a strange sort of poinant saddness; that open acknowledgement of the loss one experiences when so very far away from people you care about. The moments that friends have shared together coupled with the knowledge that you no longer can.
When my mother broke her ankle last year, it was so very difficult to not be able to drop everything and drive to see her-- to sit with her on those long days of healing, something I could have done before. I worry about my parents and wish I could help with some of the projects that my father concocts or spend a day with my mom and her quilting.
I miss those summer days sitting on their porch, and wonder why I didn't appreciate them more when I had the time and ease to do so.
The choice to move from GA to MI was one of the most difficult that I have made in my life. There were so many things I had to weigh, and even now I have moments when I question the choice. Do I leave my friends... Can I leave my family. But when it came to the final decision, I was forced to make the best choice for me, and not for those around me, or even my family. I needed to break away and find out who I was and wanted to become.
I have found this person hidden behind all the barriers I possessed in my past, a woman I enjoy being, though sometimes struggle to maintain. I am a stronger, more confident person because of the choices I have made over the years, and am for the first time in my life truly content-- even on the really bad days.
It has been a long process, at times, to re-introduce my family to their daughter, sister, neice, cousin... Show them who the little girl they once knew, changed from the often troubled young woman to something else. It is a process that over the last 8 years has developed slowly and now I can understand that they have started to really see me.
It is liberating and infuses me with a great love for these incredible people who were willing to take the time to get to know me all over again as the woman I have become. Who I am now, not who I was before. And have them teach me, or remind me that I'm still shades of that little girl after all.
I reconnected with friends this holiday season, some of whom I had not seen in over 15 years. They reminded me of who I was, who I have become and how a good friendship of the past, can still lurk there after 15 years of silence. Circumstance can sometimes force you to examine your very inner self, but sometimes, if you are lucky, when you do... even if it takes a lifetime of discovery, you can find that inner self is a person that even you would friend.... I have found that to be one of the best gifts I could have recieved this holiday season.
I am not who I was when I moved from Georgia to Michigan. I am so much more. I have learned to truly live and experience life in these last few years. I have loved and I have lost. I have fallen and I have picked myself back up. I have struggled with the darkest parts of my soul and found freedom in the acceptance of self, good and bad. I have gathered around me the most wonderful group of friends, confidents, playmates, and family.
Within the time I have spent with them these past years, I have found relationships that I know will survive a lifetime with people who care and love me for who I am as an individual and within the group. I have learned to spead my wings and try to fly, knowing that there are those who care enough to, if not catch me when I fall, at least help patch up the wounds.
For all of those past and present, I wish to thank you and bless you and hope that you all know of my love and affection for you. For my family whom I have reconnected with, I have missed you, it's nice to be able to talk and write to you again.
I find as this year comes to it's gentle close, that I look forward to the next year and the expected and unexpect turns that I might find as it unfolds. It is my most sincere hope that you all find new experiences that fill you with a little bit of wonder and joy in the year to come. That as the next year's challenges greet you, there is a moment where you can look within your self and find a perfect moment of contentedness.
I did, sitting here at the computer in the den with my family, while they watched the GA football game...