Flowers never bend with the rainfall...
It's funny how life is; just when you think you know how to "handle" everything, something comes along to change everything. Sometimes I think I get to be too confident in knowing the way things are. This probably sounds crazy coming from me, being the person who can just get up and move to another country, who can live house to house three weeks at a time, etc.
But things do fall into routine. I've been living at the same place for a year now. It seems hard to fathom. Yes, I had a car, but now I do not. I know the base is closing next year, and it seems that if I want to, I'm probably guaranteed a spot working here until the commissary closes, and so I constantly weigh the options in my head; stay, go, study, work, what should I do next?
But the thing is, I can make as many plans as I want, and none of them have to come true. I could go to sleep tonight and simply not wake up. I had a fright sometime last year like that; I was asleep, and somehow I got the idea in my head that I wasn't going to wake up, which caused me to wake up with a start. But we never know. I was already pondering this before the porch tragedy in Chicago. They were young "promising" people. And all it takes is something really weird, and that's it.
I realise that I do have a fear of death. It's not so great that I am paralysed in my room, but it is enough that I really don't want to die, even if I am convinced of everlasting life. I know that I will die, strange thought as it seems. I know the world existed before I lived, and will continue after I die, but from my experience, I see my lifespan as a beginning an an end. I think of lines from Paul Simon - "So, I'll continue to continue to pretend/that my life will never end/and that flowers never bend with the rainfall". It sums up what I feel often; obviously, there will come a time where I will die. It may come tomorrow, it may come fifty or more years from now. Many people would tell you to "live each day as if it were your last". I think that's a crazy theory. Cherish your days. Make your plans; but don't make too many, and don't get too upset when things happen another way. That's a better way to live.
I think I will write more, but I'll split it into another post.
But things do fall into routine. I've been living at the same place for a year now. It seems hard to fathom. Yes, I had a car, but now I do not. I know the base is closing next year, and it seems that if I want to, I'm probably guaranteed a spot working here until the commissary closes, and so I constantly weigh the options in my head; stay, go, study, work, what should I do next?
But the thing is, I can make as many plans as I want, and none of them have to come true. I could go to sleep tonight and simply not wake up. I had a fright sometime last year like that; I was asleep, and somehow I got the idea in my head that I wasn't going to wake up, which caused me to wake up with a start. But we never know. I was already pondering this before the porch tragedy in Chicago. They were young "promising" people. And all it takes is something really weird, and that's it.
I realise that I do have a fear of death. It's not so great that I am paralysed in my room, but it is enough that I really don't want to die, even if I am convinced of everlasting life. I know that I will die, strange thought as it seems. I know the world existed before I lived, and will continue after I die, but from my experience, I see my lifespan as a beginning an an end. I think of lines from Paul Simon - "So, I'll continue to continue to pretend/that my life will never end/and that flowers never bend with the rainfall". It sums up what I feel often; obviously, there will come a time where I will die. It may come tomorrow, it may come fifty or more years from now. Many people would tell you to "live each day as if it were your last". I think that's a crazy theory. Cherish your days. Make your plans; but don't make too many, and don't get too upset when things happen another way. That's a better way to live.
I think I will write more, but I'll split it into another post.