Dr. Kozak Goes Plant Shopping
Earlier this month I decided that it’s high time that I actually get off my lazy arse and go and make my yard a pretty place and plant some flowers. Now me and flowers have this odd love hate relationship, I generally hate the things. I guess they are pretty and all but I really just do not care for them in the least bit, though I enjoy taking pictures of them (go figure). That aside I left my prejudices at home and drove out to the local plant shop to spent ludicrous amounts of money on something that is going to die in a friggen month or so. And so I arrive at the shop, but before I continue I must tell everyone that I saw a plant that really changed my life, for better I think. Now I am going to make you wait before I post a picture of this, you have to read though my whole adventure (or you just scroll to the bottom of the page you bastards).
These are the first plants I saw going into the store I think they are awesome because for some reason I think of a chess board.
So as I walk around the outdoor plant showcase I instinctively go to the one section that I always have gone to first: The Fountain Section. Ever since I was a small child and my parents would begrudgingly drag me along to look at plants when I could be spending time with the good old Nintendo I would just stand and gawk at the water displace, well that and stick my hand in every one of them. I chock it up to a biological thing, when you are out at the plant store and you are dying of heat exhaustion in the summer you just naturally want to cool off, thus you play in the water features. This year however one fountain got my attention almost immediately.
God I feel sorry for the poor little sod getting stood on. I really do, I feel his pain, not to mention embarrassment. I honestly cannot imagine some one going “Hey lets put that right smack dab in the middle of our front lawn!” I mean seriously, what were they thinking making this! It’s not ever cute.
OK, So since I really do not have that much to say on the matter of plants upon plants upon plants, I will just post some pictures up. While looking at them I recommend that you listen to this (since I am listing to this while writing this):
It’s at this point that I got lost and started having war flashbacks to a war I wasn’t in (most probably it was the Napoleonic Wars).
As you can see in this picture it is quite obvious I am on the brink of plant related madness. I immediately had my survival skills kick in and I took shelter under one of the displays. For food I foraged in the edible plant section, and realized that I cannot survive on plants alone so I found a nice trowel and started to pick the patrons off one by one cooking there meat on one of those cute little portable Hibachi grills. I used there hollowed out carcass for warmth from the ever changing climate. For water I drank out of the fountains and rain barrels, I am telling you it was some Alone in the Wild shit going down there. I finally came back to my senses when an employee told me that bathing in the fountains is frowned upon and she would have to ask me to leave if I did not stop. And since I had not gotten my plants yet and I had been there for a whole fifteen minutes I better get back on my way.
The weapon of choice when obtaining food in the wilds of the Home Depot.
Now for more plant pictures! Heres a complanion song to listen to while looking at these (why this song you ask? Why the hell not…it makes me happy.):
Now I would like to dedicate a moment of silence to this poor little pile of rubbish that may have been a plant at some point.
This thing here just really looks like it would be interesting to see what is in my soil around my house. I don’t know why though, more than likely I would just use the test tubes to pretend that I am a mad scientist and creating a serum to reanimate the dead. Ehh, either way it’s cool.
Here are some of the plants that I ended up buying for my backyard.
After I paid for my now little plant friends that are more than likely going to end up eaten by the local rabbits I bid farewell to this place of evil. I would like to note that my legs felt like crap and were swollen up with what looked like hives from to much sun exposure. I was there a full hour and I felt like I had been attacked by ants.
Here they are all packed up and ready to go home!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ok I know, I know I promised a plant so miraculous it would change your life. I swear it has the power to make the blind see, make the crippled walk, make me not regret those last two lagers I drank the night before. I am talking about the one, the only:
BUTT PLANT!!!!!!! ( Come on I know you see it too.)
These are the first plants I saw going into the store I think they are awesome because for some reason I think of a chess board.
So as I walk around the outdoor plant showcase I instinctively go to the one section that I always have gone to first: The Fountain Section. Ever since I was a small child and my parents would begrudgingly drag me along to look at plants when I could be spending time with the good old Nintendo I would just stand and gawk at the water displace, well that and stick my hand in every one of them. I chock it up to a biological thing, when you are out at the plant store and you are dying of heat exhaustion in the summer you just naturally want to cool off, thus you play in the water features. This year however one fountain got my attention almost immediately.
God I feel sorry for the poor little sod getting stood on. I really do, I feel his pain, not to mention embarrassment. I honestly cannot imagine some one going “Hey lets put that right smack dab in the middle of our front lawn!” I mean seriously, what were they thinking making this! It’s not ever cute.
OK, So since I really do not have that much to say on the matter of plants upon plants upon plants, I will just post some pictures up. While looking at them I recommend that you listen to this (since I am listing to this while writing this):
Click to viewIt’s at this point that I got lost and started having war flashbacks to a war I wasn’t in (most probably it was the Napoleonic Wars).
As you can see in this picture it is quite obvious I am on the brink of plant related madness. I immediately had my survival skills kick in and I took shelter under one of the displays. For food I foraged in the edible plant section, and realized that I cannot survive on plants alone so I found a nice trowel and started to pick the patrons off one by one cooking there meat on one of those cute little portable Hibachi grills. I used there hollowed out carcass for warmth from the ever changing climate. For water I drank out of the fountains and rain barrels, I am telling you it was some Alone in the Wild shit going down there. I finally came back to my senses when an employee told me that bathing in the fountains is frowned upon and she would have to ask me to leave if I did not stop. And since I had not gotten my plants yet and I had been there for a whole fifteen minutes I better get back on my way.
The weapon of choice when obtaining food in the wilds of the Home Depot.
Now for more plant pictures! Heres a complanion song to listen to while looking at these (why this song you ask? Why the hell not…it makes me happy.):
Now I would like to dedicate a moment of silence to this poor little pile of rubbish that may have been a plant at some point.
This thing here just really looks like it would be interesting to see what is in my soil around my house. I don’t know why though, more than likely I would just use the test tubes to pretend that I am a mad scientist and creating a serum to reanimate the dead. Ehh, either way it’s cool.
Here are some of the plants that I ended up buying for my backyard.
After I paid for my now little plant friends that are more than likely going to end up eaten by the local rabbits I bid farewell to this place of evil. I would like to note that my legs felt like crap and were swollen up with what looked like hives from to much sun exposure. I was there a full hour and I felt like I had been attacked by ants.
Here they are all packed up and ready to go home!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ok I know, I know I promised a plant so miraculous it would change your life. I swear it has the power to make the blind see, make the crippled walk, make me not regret those last two lagers I drank the night before. I am talking about the one, the only:
BUTT PLANT!!!!!!! ( Come on I know you see it too.)