Staying out of the garden
I thought maybe things could have turned out better if I had the mystical power to reverse time. I have thought that since Friday morning. But now I'm thinking, why stress over things that are already over and done with? I do what I do, all day, everyday. And I can't make anymore excuses for that bullshit.
It sure as hell tore my weekend up, though. What a trial. It was so bad that Friday night I had one of my infamous stress headaches. The kind that I go to sleep with and then wake up 3 hours later only to find myself hugging the toilet for awhile.
While I was driving home on I-10 on Friday afternoon, I saw this parked car on the side of the road. As I drove by it, I saw a bichon frise (a dog like mine) run from it and sprint into the interstate traffic. It seriously broke my heart. It reminded me of my Sophie. I had to call my mom so I didn't freak out too badly.
I guess things are better since I am back in Tallahassee. But going home, nomatter how mentally disturbing it was, ironically helped me clear my head a little bit. It made me stronger so that I COULD come back in the first place. Cause when I left on Friday, I was frail. I didn't know what I was doing. Maybe I still don't know what I'm doing. I'm right-I don't. Maybe I never will know until I find something reaL. Something that I've actually already found but can't touch because it is but forbidden fruit, like what Eve could not consume in the garden of Eden. But unlike Eve, I will not touch it again, unless, of course, God suddenly becomes permissive.
On a much less metaphorical note, it sure does pain to not be able to be with the one you want. I think it's a feeling worse than being left by a lover (almost). It's worse because everyday you think of all the shit that could have been. Some things you may NEVER get to find out in a lifetime. And then you grow up, get a job, marry someone else, start a family, and it's like that person and those situations never even existed. They are only part of a past. A past where I was young. And stupid. And passionate. And so utterly in love with Love.
It sure as hell tore my weekend up, though. What a trial. It was so bad that Friday night I had one of my infamous stress headaches. The kind that I go to sleep with and then wake up 3 hours later only to find myself hugging the toilet for awhile.
While I was driving home on I-10 on Friday afternoon, I saw this parked car on the side of the road. As I drove by it, I saw a bichon frise (a dog like mine) run from it and sprint into the interstate traffic. It seriously broke my heart. It reminded me of my Sophie. I had to call my mom so I didn't freak out too badly.
I guess things are better since I am back in Tallahassee. But going home, nomatter how mentally disturbing it was, ironically helped me clear my head a little bit. It made me stronger so that I COULD come back in the first place. Cause when I left on Friday, I was frail. I didn't know what I was doing. Maybe I still don't know what I'm doing. I'm right-I don't. Maybe I never will know until I find something reaL. Something that I've actually already found but can't touch because it is but forbidden fruit, like what Eve could not consume in the garden of Eden. But unlike Eve, I will not touch it again, unless, of course, God suddenly becomes permissive.
On a much less metaphorical note, it sure does pain to not be able to be with the one you want. I think it's a feeling worse than being left by a lover (almost). It's worse because everyday you think of all the shit that could have been. Some things you may NEVER get to find out in a lifetime. And then you grow up, get a job, marry someone else, start a family, and it's like that person and those situations never even existed. They are only part of a past. A past where I was young. And stupid. And passionate. And so utterly in love with Love.