-_- ...
yea, so i guess i hurt people. I don't know how this happend. I was always the person that everyone liked, that could comfort them when they were feeling down. I still can I guess, but not like I used to.
I made this journal to reflect that emotional, caring, empathetic person I was. I really liked being that way. The only thing was that I was quiet, I didn't have many friends. I spent most of my time in my imagination. I would draw, read, play video games, all of the things one does to escape from the world.
I began to chance though. I'm sure that if you look back here you will be able to see that over time, but i never really took notice of it.
Now I have a large group of friends, people that I talk to and can hang out with. Its something I always wanted. And it might have something to do with how busy I am now with work and school, but I don't read, I don't really draw and I don't play video games anymore. I spend most of my time with people, but I fear that the connection is too superficial. I tried to avoid the hurt of being emotional by avoiding the emotion. I come off as apathetic to people now. most don't notice it untill they get close, and it hurts me to see it happen. I never want to hurt anyone, yet I don't know how to stop myself from doing this.
I'm pretty sure amanda hates me now, because of what I've said, what I've done, what I've failed to say and what I've failed to do. She found out how I spent the whole day with Jenni on tuseday, and she is angry that I never asked her to do something like that, just us hanging out for hours. I seriously don't know what to say to that. I know that I always tried to find things for us to do together, but it always ended up hanging with her friends, at her house. She never hung out at campus with me. I tried to find time to do that, but it never happend. when i hang out on campus, it is random. I may find someone to hang out with, but it often happens that I'm studying, or at work, which rules 19 hours of my week.
It makes me feel horrible about what happend. I thought I could handel a relationship ending that I tried so hard to keep going by moving on. Now I feel like shit, and i don't think there is anything I can do to change that.
This song is talking about me:
Cake-Never There
i need your arms around me, i need to feel your touch
i need your understanding, i need your love so much
you tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
but when i need you baby, you're never there
on the phone long, long distance
always through such strong resistance
first you say you're too busy
i wonder if you even miss me
never there
you're never there
you're never, ever, ever, ever there
a golden bird that flies away, a candle's fickle flame
to think i held you yesterday, your love was just a game
a golden bird that flies away, a candle's fickle flame
to think i held you yesterday, your love was just a game
you tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
but when i need you baby
take the time to get to know me
if you want me why can't you just show me
we're always on this roller coaster
if you want me why can't you get closer?
never there
you're never there
you're never ever ever ever there
I made this journal to reflect that emotional, caring, empathetic person I was. I really liked being that way. The only thing was that I was quiet, I didn't have many friends. I spent most of my time in my imagination. I would draw, read, play video games, all of the things one does to escape from the world.
I began to chance though. I'm sure that if you look back here you will be able to see that over time, but i never really took notice of it.
Now I have a large group of friends, people that I talk to and can hang out with. Its something I always wanted. And it might have something to do with how busy I am now with work and school, but I don't read, I don't really draw and I don't play video games anymore. I spend most of my time with people, but I fear that the connection is too superficial. I tried to avoid the hurt of being emotional by avoiding the emotion. I come off as apathetic to people now. most don't notice it untill they get close, and it hurts me to see it happen. I never want to hurt anyone, yet I don't know how to stop myself from doing this.
I'm pretty sure amanda hates me now, because of what I've said, what I've done, what I've failed to say and what I've failed to do. She found out how I spent the whole day with Jenni on tuseday, and she is angry that I never asked her to do something like that, just us hanging out for hours. I seriously don't know what to say to that. I know that I always tried to find things for us to do together, but it always ended up hanging with her friends, at her house. She never hung out at campus with me. I tried to find time to do that, but it never happend. when i hang out on campus, it is random. I may find someone to hang out with, but it often happens that I'm studying, or at work, which rules 19 hours of my week.
It makes me feel horrible about what happend. I thought I could handel a relationship ending that I tried so hard to keep going by moving on. Now I feel like shit, and i don't think there is anything I can do to change that.
This song is talking about me:
Cake-Never There
i need your arms around me, i need to feel your touch
i need your understanding, i need your love so much
you tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
but when i need you baby, you're never there
on the phone long, long distance
always through such strong resistance
first you say you're too busy
i wonder if you even miss me
never there
you're never there
you're never, ever, ever, ever there
a golden bird that flies away, a candle's fickle flame
to think i held you yesterday, your love was just a game
a golden bird that flies away, a candle's fickle flame
to think i held you yesterday, your love was just a game
you tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
but when i need you baby
take the time to get to know me
if you want me why can't you just show me
we're always on this roller coaster
if you want me why can't you get closer?
never there
you're never there
you're never ever ever ever there