Oh boy...a breakdown...
Wow, it's been a while since I've had an upset breakdown. Lemme tell you folks all about it...
Well it started with a couple nights ago when I just wanted to stay home n' chat. It was past 12:00 and my mother asked me if I wanted to come along with her to pick up my dad. I told her I was kinda in the middle of chatting, so she left to go pick him up. When they returned my mother was pissed off at me because I didn't go with her. I was like, "WTF?!? I've been making the extra effort to go with my parents here and there these past few weeks because I cared, and the one night where I don't go out she starts bitching at me?!?" Boy, was I wrong to think that...
The next morning I felt kinda down, and confused as well. My mother came into my room and started telling me why she was so upset. It was past 12:00 and she kinda needed someone to accompany her since it was so late, someone to go along for a sense of security (And for all you heartless bastards out there, shaddap! She makes a very good point, assholes!).
Gosh, that's when I felt like a heel. I told her I didn't know and apologized for it, and then she pointed out how I sometimes seem like I'm not a part of the family, like I'm just there, like a ghost, with my own little life, etc, etc.
Oh dear lord, that's when the tears were bustin' out. I took a look at my life and saw my errors. I mean, she was right, I was kinda just there without actually seeming like I'm a part of the family. It's like there's Carl and then over there is the family. And another thing, I've not really been showing enough care for them either. I really haven't now that I've looked at myself in life. To top it all off, I've been somehow valuing my friends more than my family. I was like, "...friends are poison..." By this time, I was crying a river. My mother actually knew my situation. She understood that since I didn't really have many friends at all in my elementary and middle school years and maybe some of my high school freshman year, I was just trying to make up for all the time I've lost in that area. Shit, and I didn't even need to tell her all that either! Well inside I was thinking, "Still, even if that's true, that's no excuse for how I've been. For what I'm doing won't make up for those lost years, nothing will, because the painful memory will still be there."
I was thinking of myself as an asshole, a terrible person, etc. and just going into a major depression downhill. My mother was telling me to stop thinking that way, because I'm only experiencing tiny downhills in life, and I'm a good person overall. Nonetheless, I really wanted to kill myself, thinkin' stuff like, "God...please, just kill me now. I want to rid my family of someone who shouldn't be worthy of being a Montes." etc.
So I took a shower in an attempt to calm myself down and stop the tears...didn't work fully, but I made progress. I even stopped thinking those harsh thoughts. So I played DDR in my room to see what that would do. Turns out that took it all away. So, yeah, I'm all cool now. (^_^) \\//
(Note to all you heartless bastards who are now thinking, "Oh please, you and your fucked up family values!" or "Jeez, what a baby!" etc: You all can go to hell. If you can't have the decency to understand my plight, then your intestines can shoot out your throat, your major organs can hemorrage, etc.)
(...wow, that was pretty graphic...I gotta work on lightening up my strong-standing statements...)
Well I came home early today, which is great because I was able to update this in peace and solitude. (I kinda took a long time with this one since I also did other things in between typing)
But hey, enough about me, how are you all doing in your lives? (Yeah, kind of an odd thing to put down in my own journal, but what the hey...)
I wish you all a blessed day today. (^_^)
Well it started with a couple nights ago when I just wanted to stay home n' chat. It was past 12:00 and my mother asked me if I wanted to come along with her to pick up my dad. I told her I was kinda in the middle of chatting, so she left to go pick him up. When they returned my mother was pissed off at me because I didn't go with her. I was like, "WTF?!? I've been making the extra effort to go with my parents here and there these past few weeks because I cared, and the one night where I don't go out she starts bitching at me?!?" Boy, was I wrong to think that...
The next morning I felt kinda down, and confused as well. My mother came into my room and started telling me why she was so upset. It was past 12:00 and she kinda needed someone to accompany her since it was so late, someone to go along for a sense of security (And for all you heartless bastards out there, shaddap! She makes a very good point, assholes!).
Gosh, that's when I felt like a heel. I told her I didn't know and apologized for it, and then she pointed out how I sometimes seem like I'm not a part of the family, like I'm just there, like a ghost, with my own little life, etc, etc.
Oh dear lord, that's when the tears were bustin' out. I took a look at my life and saw my errors. I mean, she was right, I was kinda just there without actually seeming like I'm a part of the family. It's like there's Carl and then over there is the family. And another thing, I've not really been showing enough care for them either. I really haven't now that I've looked at myself in life. To top it all off, I've been somehow valuing my friends more than my family. I was like, "...friends are poison..." By this time, I was crying a river. My mother actually knew my situation. She understood that since I didn't really have many friends at all in my elementary and middle school years and maybe some of my high school freshman year, I was just trying to make up for all the time I've lost in that area. Shit, and I didn't even need to tell her all that either! Well inside I was thinking, "Still, even if that's true, that's no excuse for how I've been. For what I'm doing won't make up for those lost years, nothing will, because the painful memory will still be there."
I was thinking of myself as an asshole, a terrible person, etc. and just going into a major depression downhill. My mother was telling me to stop thinking that way, because I'm only experiencing tiny downhills in life, and I'm a good person overall. Nonetheless, I really wanted to kill myself, thinkin' stuff like, "God...please, just kill me now. I want to rid my family of someone who shouldn't be worthy of being a Montes." etc.
So I took a shower in an attempt to calm myself down and stop the tears...didn't work fully, but I made progress. I even stopped thinking those harsh thoughts. So I played DDR in my room to see what that would do. Turns out that took it all away. So, yeah, I'm all cool now. (^_^) \\//
(Note to all you heartless bastards who are now thinking, "Oh please, you and your fucked up family values!" or "Jeez, what a baby!" etc: You all can go to hell. If you can't have the decency to understand my plight, then your intestines can shoot out your throat, your major organs can hemorrage, etc.)
(...wow, that was pretty graphic...I gotta work on lightening up my strong-standing statements...)
Well I came home early today, which is great because I was able to update this in peace and solitude. (I kinda took a long time with this one since I also did other things in between typing)
But hey, enough about me, how are you all doing in your lives? (Yeah, kind of an odd thing to put down in my own journal, but what the hey...)
I wish you all a blessed day today. (^_^)