thoughts
ah late nights and my laptop, i honestly couldnt think of a better combination. this is the time i feel most centered and i take it all in.
my summer back home is going better than i thought it could ever be. i guess i have just great people to share it with: great friends, getting along mucho better with my family. there have been a few minor drama instances here and there but ive grown the past few years...those things dont phase me anymore. i like it. im actually liking getting older...thats the first ive ever been able to say that. my whole life, i could never picture myself as an adult, it was to the point where i believed like my life was going to just end somewhere in high school. morbid, i know but dont read too much into it. something about it just felt wrong. but here i am now, more or less self-sustaining, going to school, doing the things i want...its nice. its nice growing up. i like who i am and where im headed...its an awesome feeling.
not to set back all that, but i realize there are still some things i have trouble saying or doing. i tend to overanalyze and not necessarily just go for it sometimes. areas that i feel are too touchy. well...really just one area. i cant just say it to them. i want to, even more now...but i cant. it would change things for sure, and im okay with things as they are now. but at the same time i cant fight that overwhelming sensation that is slowly consuming me...i cant fight it anymore. its become natural. eh, this probably makes no sense to anyone...
i get it, thats all that really matters.
but seriously, life is great. its going to be hard to leave this place...become too attached to my friends and even more my baby bro, i want to be around for all those little things. that paternal instinct is coming out more and more in me. that little guy and my dad make me realize how much i wanna be a dad one day. looking back, i see the big picture of my childhood and realize how great my parents really did. eh it was a little tough at times, but nothing is ever easy. it makes sense now...i like that. i like growing up.
damn summer is too short.
my summer back home is going better than i thought it could ever be. i guess i have just great people to share it with: great friends, getting along mucho better with my family. there have been a few minor drama instances here and there but ive grown the past few years...those things dont phase me anymore. i like it. im actually liking getting older...thats the first ive ever been able to say that. my whole life, i could never picture myself as an adult, it was to the point where i believed like my life was going to just end somewhere in high school. morbid, i know but dont read too much into it. something about it just felt wrong. but here i am now, more or less self-sustaining, going to school, doing the things i want...its nice. its nice growing up. i like who i am and where im headed...its an awesome feeling.
not to set back all that, but i realize there are still some things i have trouble saying or doing. i tend to overanalyze and not necessarily just go for it sometimes. areas that i feel are too touchy. well...really just one area. i cant just say it to them. i want to, even more now...but i cant. it would change things for sure, and im okay with things as they are now. but at the same time i cant fight that overwhelming sensation that is slowly consuming me...i cant fight it anymore. its become natural. eh, this probably makes no sense to anyone...
i get it, thats all that really matters.
but seriously, life is great. its going to be hard to leave this place...become too attached to my friends and even more my baby bro, i want to be around for all those little things. that paternal instinct is coming out more and more in me. that little guy and my dad make me realize how much i wanna be a dad one day. looking back, i see the big picture of my childhood and realize how great my parents really did. eh it was a little tough at times, but nothing is ever easy. it makes sense now...i like that. i like growing up.
damn summer is too short.