Just Like Starting Over
Today I had an epiphany: John Lennon really does have all the answers. Especially if you sprinkle some Red Hot Chili Peppers on there.
I'm pretty sure I have talked to everyone beneath the yellow sun about what could possibly be going through my boyfriend's head right now. Most people, in particular ones who have met him or seen us together, are pretty confident in the fact that he truly seems like the type who is genuine in what he has to say, even if it's hard to swallow it. A good friend of mine who let us stay at his place during OhayoCon about six weeks ago said that he instantly got a good vibe from him, that it was clear that he adored me and that there was no reason to worry things won't work themselves out, even if it takes a ton of time. He also told me that what my man was experiencing sounded a lot like something he [my friend] had gone through himself: an existential crisis so intense that he ended up dropping out of college for a year so that he could get his shit back together. He said that if that's the case, my boyfriend is probably undergoing regular panic and anxiety and terror about his life and what he's doing with it. In that case, no wonder he said he needed to stop worrying about me so he could focus on worrying about himself. I guess I took for granted that I am very used to expressing similar emotions on my sleeve, which my boyfriend was trying to help me handle while keeping his own under wraps. Another friend mentioned to me that allowing him the time will help get us to the place where we want to be together, which is essentially what happened to her and her boyfriend.
But this was all speculation that sounded well and good to me. My friends telling me that things will work out and that he just needs his peace could just be my friends doing that thing that most friends do, which is encourage. Freaking out, I decided to ease my mind and text my boyfriend's roommate for a more definite insight. The response I got was pretty cut and dry, saying that though my boyfriend was pretty torn up about the whole thing, it didn't seem temporary to him. I replied asking if that meant that some of the things my boyfriend had said weren't genuine and if he was just trying to delude me with some song and dance about an internal crisis and the need for a soul vacation. The roommate answered with his two cents that my boyfriend, whom he has known since middle school, has always validated himself through relationships, and the fact that he has willingly chosen not to be in one is a pretty good indicator that he is truly trying to work on himself. He also added that, having said all that, I should take the time to work on myself and get myself in a better mental space not only for my boyfriend when he's ready, but also for myself.
The advice was reassuring enough, but I wasn't done. At the time, I had been walking around the Village and ended up near my boyfriend's job. I walked in not to seek him out, but to see if I could flag down one of his close friends. I ninja'd my way to the cafe to find exactly the person I wanted to see working the coffee bar alone and spoke to him as well. He essentially said that it wasn't that my boyfriend didn't want to be in a relationship with me, but that at this moment, he was incapable of it, and that what he was really looking to see was that I was capable of obliging his request and operating on his terms for a bit -- that he needed to see that he could trust me with things like that. Maybe it's silly to put more stock in what he had to say just because I liked the sound of it more, but he also is pretty close to my boyfriend, and I felt like his comments were just as valid as the practicality of the roommate's. Frankly, what his coworker friend had to say put a whole 180 on me, and I felt rather empowered.
I then walked from 14th Street to Central Park, where I hung around for about an hour, listening to a guy write music on the granite with a guitar and a notebook. On my way there, I was struck with the lyrics of the John Lennon song, 'Just Like Starting Over', which is on Double Fantasy. Listening closely to the lyrics, I realized that what John was singing about in the song was exactly what my boyfriend was asking of me, and I realized that this time would help us fall in love all over again. Starting from the ground up, taking it more slowly, and really taking the time to work on ourselves was what would end up making our relationship stronger in the end is what I came to realize. And even though it is sad and I miss him, the more I thought about it, the more I realized what I had to do.
First off, I have to cast away all the chips I have on my shoulder from past relationships/friendships that have ended on a sour note. Constantly looking over my shoulder, sure that the next betrayal is just around the corner, was not doing anybody any favours, least of all myself. I need to remember that my boyfriend is none of those people and that it's not fair to punish him for the wounds that others inflicted upon me. I also need to work on knowing when to bottle my emotions, when it's time for me to be strong for him so that he doesn't always feel like he has to be the solid one all the time. Most importantly, I need to learn how to worry about his needs, not his feelings: I should say what I want to say honestly, openly and freely, but also recognize when he needs me to be that solid person, or when he needs me to stand up for him, or when he needs me to be gentle or tough or whatever it is. I still don't think he fully comprehends how he managed to unearth this worthwhile person I thought had died within myself a long time ago, but it is thanks to him that I've slowly tried to return to the life in front of me instead of just trying to relate to it via some other analogue. I know these changes won't come overnight, but they are things that I think will make me a better Link not just for him, but also for me. When I meet him on Monday, I literally can't wait to tell him all these things -- to tell him that I'm 100% confident that he will figure himself out in due time and that I'm 110% confident that when he does, he will find that I am not just the girlfriend he wants, but also the girlfriend he needs. He'll remember why he loved me in the first place, and it really will be just like starting over.
Our life together is so precious together
We have grown, we have grown
Although our love is still special
Let's take a chance and fly away somewhere alone
It's been too long since we took the time
No-one's to blame, I know time flies so quickly
But when I see you darling
It's like we both are falling in love again
It'll be just like starting over, starting over
Everyday we used to make it love
Why can't we be making love nice and easy
It's time to spread our wings and fly
Don't let another day go by my love
It'll be just like starting over, starting over
Why don't we take off alone
Take a trip somewhere far, far away
We'll be together all alone again
Like we used to in the early days
Well, well, well darling
It's been too long since we took the time
No-one's to blame, I know time flies so quickly
But when I see you darling
It's like we both are falling in love again
It'll be just like starting over, starting over
Our life together is so precious together
We have grown, we have grown
Although our love is still special
Let's take a chance and fly away somewhere
Starting over...
I'm pretty sure I have talked to everyone beneath the yellow sun about what could possibly be going through my boyfriend's head right now. Most people, in particular ones who have met him or seen us together, are pretty confident in the fact that he truly seems like the type who is genuine in what he has to say, even if it's hard to swallow it. A good friend of mine who let us stay at his place during OhayoCon about six weeks ago said that he instantly got a good vibe from him, that it was clear that he adored me and that there was no reason to worry things won't work themselves out, even if it takes a ton of time. He also told me that what my man was experiencing sounded a lot like something he [my friend] had gone through himself: an existential crisis so intense that he ended up dropping out of college for a year so that he could get his shit back together. He said that if that's the case, my boyfriend is probably undergoing regular panic and anxiety and terror about his life and what he's doing with it. In that case, no wonder he said he needed to stop worrying about me so he could focus on worrying about himself. I guess I took for granted that I am very used to expressing similar emotions on my sleeve, which my boyfriend was trying to help me handle while keeping his own under wraps. Another friend mentioned to me that allowing him the time will help get us to the place where we want to be together, which is essentially what happened to her and her boyfriend.
But this was all speculation that sounded well and good to me. My friends telling me that things will work out and that he just needs his peace could just be my friends doing that thing that most friends do, which is encourage. Freaking out, I decided to ease my mind and text my boyfriend's roommate for a more definite insight. The response I got was pretty cut and dry, saying that though my boyfriend was pretty torn up about the whole thing, it didn't seem temporary to him. I replied asking if that meant that some of the things my boyfriend had said weren't genuine and if he was just trying to delude me with some song and dance about an internal crisis and the need for a soul vacation. The roommate answered with his two cents that my boyfriend, whom he has known since middle school, has always validated himself through relationships, and the fact that he has willingly chosen not to be in one is a pretty good indicator that he is truly trying to work on himself. He also added that, having said all that, I should take the time to work on myself and get myself in a better mental space not only for my boyfriend when he's ready, but also for myself.
The advice was reassuring enough, but I wasn't done. At the time, I had been walking around the Village and ended up near my boyfriend's job. I walked in not to seek him out, but to see if I could flag down one of his close friends. I ninja'd my way to the cafe to find exactly the person I wanted to see working the coffee bar alone and spoke to him as well. He essentially said that it wasn't that my boyfriend didn't want to be in a relationship with me, but that at this moment, he was incapable of it, and that what he was really looking to see was that I was capable of obliging his request and operating on his terms for a bit -- that he needed to see that he could trust me with things like that. Maybe it's silly to put more stock in what he had to say just because I liked the sound of it more, but he also is pretty close to my boyfriend, and I felt like his comments were just as valid as the practicality of the roommate's. Frankly, what his coworker friend had to say put a whole 180 on me, and I felt rather empowered.
I then walked from 14th Street to Central Park, where I hung around for about an hour, listening to a guy write music on the granite with a guitar and a notebook. On my way there, I was struck with the lyrics of the John Lennon song, 'Just Like Starting Over', which is on Double Fantasy. Listening closely to the lyrics, I realized that what John was singing about in the song was exactly what my boyfriend was asking of me, and I realized that this time would help us fall in love all over again. Starting from the ground up, taking it more slowly, and really taking the time to work on ourselves was what would end up making our relationship stronger in the end is what I came to realize. And even though it is sad and I miss him, the more I thought about it, the more I realized what I had to do.
First off, I have to cast away all the chips I have on my shoulder from past relationships/friendships that have ended on a sour note. Constantly looking over my shoulder, sure that the next betrayal is just around the corner, was not doing anybody any favours, least of all myself. I need to remember that my boyfriend is none of those people and that it's not fair to punish him for the wounds that others inflicted upon me. I also need to work on knowing when to bottle my emotions, when it's time for me to be strong for him so that he doesn't always feel like he has to be the solid one all the time. Most importantly, I need to learn how to worry about his needs, not his feelings: I should say what I want to say honestly, openly and freely, but also recognize when he needs me to be that solid person, or when he needs me to stand up for him, or when he needs me to be gentle or tough or whatever it is. I still don't think he fully comprehends how he managed to unearth this worthwhile person I thought had died within myself a long time ago, but it is thanks to him that I've slowly tried to return to the life in front of me instead of just trying to relate to it via some other analogue. I know these changes won't come overnight, but they are things that I think will make me a better Link not just for him, but also for me. When I meet him on Monday, I literally can't wait to tell him all these things -- to tell him that I'm 100% confident that he will figure himself out in due time and that I'm 110% confident that when he does, he will find that I am not just the girlfriend he wants, but also the girlfriend he needs. He'll remember why he loved me in the first place, and it really will be just like starting over.
Our life together is so precious together
We have grown, we have grown
Although our love is still special
Let's take a chance and fly away somewhere alone
It's been too long since we took the time
No-one's to blame, I know time flies so quickly
But when I see you darling
It's like we both are falling in love again
It'll be just like starting over, starting over
Everyday we used to make it love
Why can't we be making love nice and easy
It's time to spread our wings and fly
Don't let another day go by my love
It'll be just like starting over, starting over
Why don't we take off alone
Take a trip somewhere far, far away
We'll be together all alone again
Like we used to in the early days
Well, well, well darling
It's been too long since we took the time
No-one's to blame, I know time flies so quickly
But when I see you darling
It's like we both are falling in love again
It'll be just like starting over, starting over
Our life together is so precious together
We have grown, we have grown
Although our love is still special
Let's take a chance and fly away somewhere
Starting over...