a friend
"I did the Lil Jon skit this weekend at 7-11. I was stoned, and I think I scared her... she was like learning back all wide-eyed and shit. \:
[Edit: Holy shit... WEED IS A DRUG, AMERICA! UGH. If you were wondering who "her" is, it was the lady behind the counter at 7-11. Nice old lady, I think arabic. Man, I thought she was going to tell her husband to get the RPG or something. I was as scared as she was I think... either that, or it was because I asked for some Kamel Red's, and she said she didn't have any, so I was like
"WHAT!?"
'I am out of them.'
"WHAT!?"
'I do not see the cigarettes.'
"WHAT!?"
::lady turns around to check again::
'I am out, sorry.'
"WHAT!?"
'I..... let me check in the back'
"OKAY!"
I didn't get my cigarettes, and that scared me, and will always scare me. Next time I go there, she's gonna check for some Kamel Red's and see that she's out, and just break down and drown herself in the chili/cheese machine.
OH!
I'm kinda high and have the munchies, so I'll continue this story! While she was checking the back for my smokes, a burrito caught my eye. I was like,
"DAMN SEXY LOOKIN' THERE, BURRITO. THINK I CAN FIT ALL OF YOU IN MY MOUTH BABY?"
So I get this burrito. It's aptly titled, "THE BOMB" on the front.
"Bullshit," I tell myself. Meat was not to be fucked with by some false label. After a couple seconds of staring at the burrito, though, my eyes widened. I thought to myself,
"This is a BIG motherfucking burrito."
Folks, I have to tell you... this burrito was the size of Mexico wrapped in Rosie O' Donnel's skin. LARGE.
Then I almost shat myself. I had doubted my worthiness upon feeling the sheer weight of The Bomb in my hand. "These things are for fucking royalty," I told my broke ass. "There's no way it would work, baby," I comforted The Bomb, and kissed her plastic-wrapped lips. This bitch was hot.
HOLY SHIT!
::looks at the label::
THIS FUCKING BURRITO IS ONLY $1.60!!?!!!! HAX!!!!
My jaw dropped. I see the lady from behind the counter peer around the corner at me, but I cared not. I had to get this uberrito to the microwave, and keep that rolled mass of liquid shits inside for 90 seconds.
"I've got you now, bitch. That ass is mine," I explained to the burrito.
*KER-CHUNK*
*BLEEP BEEP SQUISH BOOP*
And those were the last sounds the little punk heard as she rotated on the glass plate of death. I think I have herp on my finger from the second button... there's no telling who fucking uses those things.
*DING*
I ejaculate.
I'm sorry to be gross people, but please don't judge me. That burrito was amazingly hot.
Literally.
So I pick up the limp, radiated body from it's stained tomb, and start to carry it to the soda fountain (about 2 steps away). My brain's like:
Hmm, the hand's warm.
...
Yup, the hand is definitely holding something warm.
...
Oh god... that dumb motherf...
...
SHIT. THE HAND IS ON FIRE!
IT FUCKING BURNS LIKE... FIRE!
...
(nothing)
...
(flashback of burrito and microwave)
AiEEE!!!
So I drop the burrito on the metal counter. She hits the counter hard, and entrails spill from her mouth, pushing against the inside of the plastic wrap.
I immediately pick the burrito up so that I might open it, and it burns the SHIT outta my hand. This wrapper is satan.
OMFG, IDEA!
I grab the second-to-largest cup (The Big Gulp (yes, the Big Gulp is no longer the largest... some gaywad double-decker cup took it's spot)) and set it next to The Bomb.
I grin.
I quickly grab the plastic wrap with both hands, and tear open a good portion.
I shake the burrito out of the plastic wrap and into the cup.
I'd done a marvelous job cooking it: it was soft, but firm enough to retain 75% of its length while standing in the cup.
I grin.
I ponder eating it from the cup.
I go to get a fork.
I read the chili/cheese machine sign, which read, "Free Chili and Cheese..."
My knees shake, I swoon.
I take the cup with the burrito in it to the machine, and fill in the space around The Bomb with a 1:1 mixture of chili, and cheese (melted cheese).
I grab a fork, and burn my fucking hands again. That cup got HOT. God damned pussy human-hands.
I go to check out, and the lady is standing behind the counter again. I have no clue how the bitch got there so fast. She's shady. I didn't even see her get there.
I tell her that I'll just have a pack of Parliament Lights, and this burrito.
I show her my cup, squinting at her. How the fuck did she get there so fast?
She rings it all up, and it came out to like 4 and change. I hand her a five, grab my change, and lose it at that little octagonal water-filled prizm with the turnable pillars with the 1" diameter discs on top.
I'm pissed. How the fuck did she get there so fast!??!?!? HOW?!
I walk out.
I look at the recipt.
I get in my car.
I get to the lady's house.
I look at my coupon after handing her the cup to hold (fucker is still hot...).
I gawk.
I was only charged for the burrito! Holyshit!
I have like 4 pounds of cheesy/chili...y/burrito..y shit in a cup! It only cost me like $1.71! I laugh as I realize the chili and cheese couldn't be rung up, and I had no beverage in the cup!
HAHAA!
THAT SHADY BITCH LIKE TRANSLOCATED BEHIND THE COUNTER TO FUCK WITH ME, AND I GOT THE CUP FULL OF CHILI/CHEESE/BURRITO FOR $1.71!!! HAHAHA! THIS IS GOING TO FILL ME UP! NO NEED TO EAT EVERYTHING IN THE FRIDGE!
Dear god.
Meat > genius "
[Edit: Holy shit... WEED IS A DRUG, AMERICA! UGH. If you were wondering who "her" is, it was the lady behind the counter at 7-11. Nice old lady, I think arabic. Man, I thought she was going to tell her husband to get the RPG or something. I was as scared as she was I think... either that, or it was because I asked for some Kamel Red's, and she said she didn't have any, so I was like
"WHAT!?"
'I am out of them.'
"WHAT!?"
'I do not see the cigarettes.'
"WHAT!?"
::lady turns around to check again::
'I am out, sorry.'
"WHAT!?"
'I..... let me check in the back'
"OKAY!"
I didn't get my cigarettes, and that scared me, and will always scare me. Next time I go there, she's gonna check for some Kamel Red's and see that she's out, and just break down and drown herself in the chili/cheese machine.
OH!
I'm kinda high and have the munchies, so I'll continue this story! While she was checking the back for my smokes, a burrito caught my eye. I was like,
"DAMN SEXY LOOKIN' THERE, BURRITO. THINK I CAN FIT ALL OF YOU IN MY MOUTH BABY?"
So I get this burrito. It's aptly titled, "THE BOMB" on the front.
"Bullshit," I tell myself. Meat was not to be fucked with by some false label. After a couple seconds of staring at the burrito, though, my eyes widened. I thought to myself,
"This is a BIG motherfucking burrito."
Folks, I have to tell you... this burrito was the size of Mexico wrapped in Rosie O' Donnel's skin. LARGE.
Then I almost shat myself. I had doubted my worthiness upon feeling the sheer weight of The Bomb in my hand. "These things are for fucking royalty," I told my broke ass. "There's no way it would work, baby," I comforted The Bomb, and kissed her plastic-wrapped lips. This bitch was hot.
HOLY SHIT!
::looks at the label::
THIS FUCKING BURRITO IS ONLY $1.60!!?!!!! HAX!!!!
My jaw dropped. I see the lady from behind the counter peer around the corner at me, but I cared not. I had to get this uberrito to the microwave, and keep that rolled mass of liquid shits inside for 90 seconds.
"I've got you now, bitch. That ass is mine," I explained to the burrito.
*KER-CHUNK*
*BLEEP BEEP SQUISH BOOP*
And those were the last sounds the little punk heard as she rotated on the glass plate of death. I think I have herp on my finger from the second button... there's no telling who fucking uses those things.
*DING*
I ejaculate.
I'm sorry to be gross people, but please don't judge me. That burrito was amazingly hot.
Literally.
So I pick up the limp, radiated body from it's stained tomb, and start to carry it to the soda fountain (about 2 steps away). My brain's like:
Hmm, the hand's warm.
...
Yup, the hand is definitely holding something warm.
...
Oh god... that dumb motherf...
...
SHIT. THE HAND IS ON FIRE!
IT FUCKING BURNS LIKE... FIRE!
...
(nothing)
...
(flashback of burrito and microwave)
AiEEE!!!
So I drop the burrito on the metal counter. She hits the counter hard, and entrails spill from her mouth, pushing against the inside of the plastic wrap.
I immediately pick the burrito up so that I might open it, and it burns the SHIT outta my hand. This wrapper is satan.
OMFG, IDEA!
I grab the second-to-largest cup (The Big Gulp (yes, the Big Gulp is no longer the largest... some gaywad double-decker cup took it's spot)) and set it next to The Bomb.
I grin.
I quickly grab the plastic wrap with both hands, and tear open a good portion.
I shake the burrito out of the plastic wrap and into the cup.
I'd done a marvelous job cooking it: it was soft, but firm enough to retain 75% of its length while standing in the cup.
I grin.
I ponder eating it from the cup.
I go to get a fork.
I read the chili/cheese machine sign, which read, "Free Chili and Cheese..."
My knees shake, I swoon.
I take the cup with the burrito in it to the machine, and fill in the space around The Bomb with a 1:1 mixture of chili, and cheese (melted cheese).
I grab a fork, and burn my fucking hands again. That cup got HOT. God damned pussy human-hands.
I go to check out, and the lady is standing behind the counter again. I have no clue how the bitch got there so fast. She's shady. I didn't even see her get there.
I tell her that I'll just have a pack of Parliament Lights, and this burrito.
I show her my cup, squinting at her. How the fuck did she get there so fast?
She rings it all up, and it came out to like 4 and change. I hand her a five, grab my change, and lose it at that little octagonal water-filled prizm with the turnable pillars with the 1" diameter discs on top.
I'm pissed. How the fuck did she get there so fast!??!?!? HOW?!
I walk out.
I look at the recipt.
I get in my car.
I get to the lady's house.
I look at my coupon after handing her the cup to hold (fucker is still hot...).
I gawk.
I was only charged for the burrito! Holyshit!
I have like 4 pounds of cheesy/chili...y/burrito..y shit in a cup! It only cost me like $1.71! I laugh as I realize the chili and cheese couldn't be rung up, and I had no beverage in the cup!
HAHAA!
THAT SHADY BITCH LIKE TRANSLOCATED BEHIND THE COUNTER TO FUCK WITH ME, AND I GOT THE CUP FULL OF CHILI/CHEESE/BURRITO FOR $1.71!!! HAHAHA! THIS IS GOING TO FILL ME UP! NO NEED TO EAT EVERYTHING IN THE FRIDGE!
Dear god.
Meat > genius "