Finnish translation checking
I'm bored and I don't want to/can't sleep yet, so I translated a Portuguese song into Finnish. Could someone make sure what I wrote makes sense/doesn't sound super weird?
Portuguese:
Sigo as ruas da cidade, velha, escura, imperfeita
Cheira a beijos de saudade, numa praça que se enfeita
Há uma criança que corre, uma vizinha que espreita
E em mim só segue o desejo de chegar p’ra te abraçar
E em mim só segue o desejo de chegar p’ra te abraçar
Se fosses luz, amor, ai luz do dia
Sorriso inspirador de fantasia
Se fosses água, amor, qual água pura
Que mata a sede à flor da ternura
Se fosses luz, amor, ai luz do dia
Sorriso inspirador de fantasia
Mas entre tudo que possas ser na vida
Só quero, meu amor, sejas vida minha
Finnish:
Kävelen vanhan pimeän vajavaisen kaupungin kaduilla
Se tuoksuu kaihon suudelmalta torilla, jolla itsensä koristaa
On lapsi, joka juoksee, on naapuri, joka vakoilee
Ja vain tahdon palata sulle sinua syleilemään
Ja vain tahdon palata sulle sinua syleilemään
Jos olisit valoa, rakas, oi, päivän valoa
Hymyä, joka inspiroi haaveiloa
Jos olisit vettä, armas, mitä puhdasta vettä
Jota tappaa hellyyden kukan janon
Jos olisit valoa, rakas, oi, päivän valoa
Hymyä, joka inspiroi haaveiloa
Mut kaiken joukossa, jota voisit olla elämässäsi
Vain haluan, rakkauteni, et' olisit elämäni mun
It's not the whole thing, but everything I cut was repeated text. I was not trying to copy the Portuguese version word-for-word, just trying to capture the same feel. I think I mostly got things right, vocab-wise (not sure if I got "imperfeita" quite right though), but I'm thinking some of my cases might be off: like, would you say "kävelen kaduilla" or "kävelen kaduissa"? And would you use partitive or nominative where I said "jos olisit..."? My biggest wonder is if I really need to say "Se tuoksuu", or if I don't need that pronoun there. I know word order is a little weird, but since it's a song and even the Portuguese version has some poetic oddities, I decided to try to capture that. In English, this is roughly what I was hoping to come up with:
I walk along the streets of the city, old, dark, imperfect
It smells like yearning kisses, in a embellishing square
A child is running, a neighbour is peeking
And within me the desire to return and embrace you
And within me the desire to return and embrace you
If you were light, my love, oh light of the day
Inspiring smile of fantasy
If you were water, my love, like pure water
That quenches the thirst of the tenderness flower
If you were light, my love, oh light of the day
Inspiring smile of fantasy
But among everything you can become in your life
I only want, my love, be the life of mine
x-posted to learn_nordic
Portuguese:
Sigo as ruas da cidade, velha, escura, imperfeita
Cheira a beijos de saudade, numa praça que se enfeita
Há uma criança que corre, uma vizinha que espreita
E em mim só segue o desejo de chegar p’ra te abraçar
E em mim só segue o desejo de chegar p’ra te abraçar
Se fosses luz, amor, ai luz do dia
Sorriso inspirador de fantasia
Se fosses água, amor, qual água pura
Que mata a sede à flor da ternura
Se fosses luz, amor, ai luz do dia
Sorriso inspirador de fantasia
Mas entre tudo que possas ser na vida
Só quero, meu amor, sejas vida minha
Finnish:
Kävelen vanhan pimeän vajavaisen kaupungin kaduilla
Se tuoksuu kaihon suudelmalta torilla, jolla itsensä koristaa
On lapsi, joka juoksee, on naapuri, joka vakoilee
Ja vain tahdon palata sulle sinua syleilemään
Ja vain tahdon palata sulle sinua syleilemään
Jos olisit valoa, rakas, oi, päivän valoa
Hymyä, joka inspiroi haaveiloa
Jos olisit vettä, armas, mitä puhdasta vettä
Jota tappaa hellyyden kukan janon
Jos olisit valoa, rakas, oi, päivän valoa
Hymyä, joka inspiroi haaveiloa
Mut kaiken joukossa, jota voisit olla elämässäsi
Vain haluan, rakkauteni, et' olisit elämäni mun
It's not the whole thing, but everything I cut was repeated text. I was not trying to copy the Portuguese version word-for-word, just trying to capture the same feel. I think I mostly got things right, vocab-wise (not sure if I got "imperfeita" quite right though), but I'm thinking some of my cases might be off: like, would you say "kävelen kaduilla" or "kävelen kaduissa"? And would you use partitive or nominative where I said "jos olisit..."? My biggest wonder is if I really need to say "Se tuoksuu", or if I don't need that pronoun there. I know word order is a little weird, but since it's a song and even the Portuguese version has some poetic oddities, I decided to try to capture that. In English, this is roughly what I was hoping to come up with:
I walk along the streets of the city, old, dark, imperfect
It smells like yearning kisses, in a embellishing square
A child is running, a neighbour is peeking
And within me the desire to return and embrace you
And within me the desire to return and embrace you
If you were light, my love, oh light of the day
Inspiring smile of fantasy
If you were water, my love, like pure water
That quenches the thirst of the tenderness flower
If you were light, my love, oh light of the day
Inspiring smile of fantasy
But among everything you can become in your life
I only want, my love, be the life of mine
x-posted to learn_nordic