Oh this time, there'll be no life of crime. (R/S, post DH, CRACK!)
Title: Oh this time, there'll be no life of crime
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters/Pairing: Remus/Sirius, Teddy, Harry
Rating: PG
Spoilers: DEATHLY HALLOWS. (sort of.)
Word Count: 690
Summary: "This carpet is delicious."
In which Sirius decides that there are far too many illegitimate children running around, and forms a plan to fix it.
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, for which I am glad because they are INSANE.
a/n: ...I spoiled myself for Deathly Hallows, and this is what you get. Crack!! Written before Deathly Hallows off spoiler spec and has absolutely no relation to canon. Or sanity.
Also, CALLED the breakup of R/T. Called it!
---
"Remus!" a joyful voice shouted, "You're here!"
"Right. Yes." Remus said, as a large shape appeared out of the haze and tackled him. "Oof. What...Sirius?"
"Remus!"
"...Am I dead then?"
"Reckon so." Sirius said, holding Remus's face in his hand. "Now. What was all that business with Nymphadora, Remus?"
Remus groaned and buried his face in his hands. "This again? You were dead."
"So?"
"It's not like I was a monk while you were in Azkaban, you know."
"So you have other illegitimate Remus children running around? With no Harry to take care of them?"
"And you don't have illegitimate Sirius children running around? You weren't exactly a monk yourself, you know."
"Right. That's it. We're going back down to sort this out." Sirius stood, grabbing Remus's hand to pull him up. "Come on."
"Come on where? What do you mean, back down? Is that even possible? Wouldn't James and Lily have done it? Sirius. Sirius. PADFOOT."
"Right. Yes. Shut up, Moony. You're the one who's been off having illegitimate babies while I've been dead. I get to be in charge for awhile." he said, tugging at Remus's hand.
"That never ends well."
"First time for everything," Sirius said, winking as he pulled on Remus's hand once more and the pair went tumbling.
It seemed to go on forever.
Falling through air and space, time and- hold it, was that?
"Yes, that's London. Do try to keep up."
And suddenly, as quickly as they'd fallen, they landed with a thump.
"This carpet is delicious."
"Shut up Moony, it's not my fault you were too busy having illegitimate children to learn how to land properly."
Remus looked up from his prone position. Sirius did seem to have landed on his feet, in the middle of someone's flat. Someone with pictures of- all of them at Hogwarts? And Lily and James? And Harry and a five year- shit.
"I just DIED, Sirius. How is Teddy five years old already?" he said, climbing to his feet.
"Well, by my reckoning, I should have an 8 year old daughter running around somewhere that we've got to go collect after this. Her mum won't be too happy, but better to collect her now before she starts creeping out her muggle grandparents with spells and such."
"I am going to kill you."
"What? It's not like you'd forgiven me by then. And I died and you had BABIES WITH MY COUSIN."
A throat clearing kept the two from furthering their argument.
"Right. I don't know what the two of you are doing here, but someone had better explain it to me before Teddy wakes up and finds you-"
"Daddy? DADDY!" Remus was, not at all surprised to find himself on the floor for the third time this day.
"I hate you," he said, looking up at Sirius. "Hello Teddy," he said, picking up his son and climbing to his feet. "Did you have a nice time with Harry?"
"Yeah! We played trains!"
"Trains, huh?"
"And Aunt Hermione taught me about the American Muggle legal system!"
"She did, did she?"
"Yeah!... Where's mummy? And who's that hairy man who's hugging Uncle Harry?"
"Right. Your mummy... is still..."
"Visiting relatives in Aruba." Harry interjected.
"Right." Remus said, nodding, before looking at Harry puzzledly. "Aruba, Harry?" Harry looked sheepish.
"And that hairy man who needs a shave," Remus continued pointedly, "is your new mummy."
"Oi. How come I have to be the mummy? I'm very manly, Moony."
"Because you're off having illegitimate children while I was still alive? Plus, you've got the hair for it."
Harry covered a snicker. "You do, you know."
Teddy tugged on Remus's ear excitedly. "Does that mean I get a new brother? Jamie's got three brothers already, and I want one."
"Will a sister do, squirt? We've got to collect one of those before the day is over."
"Dunnoh. Might rather have a dog." Teddy said sullenly.
"..." Remus shared a look with Sirius and laughed. "I think you might have one of those anyway, Teddy." He smoothed the hair off his son's forehead and gave him a kiss. "I think you just might."
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters/Pairing: Remus/Sirius, Teddy, Harry
Rating: PG
Spoilers: DEATHLY HALLOWS. (sort of.)
Word Count: 690
Summary: "This carpet is delicious."
In which Sirius decides that there are far too many illegitimate children running around, and forms a plan to fix it.
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, for which I am glad because they are INSANE.
a/n: ...I spoiled myself for Deathly Hallows, and this is what you get. Crack!! Written before Deathly Hallows off spoiler spec and has absolutely no relation to canon. Or sanity.
Also, CALLED the breakup of R/T. Called it!
---
"Remus!" a joyful voice shouted, "You're here!"
"Right. Yes." Remus said, as a large shape appeared out of the haze and tackled him. "Oof. What...Sirius?"
"Remus!"
"...Am I dead then?"
"Reckon so." Sirius said, holding Remus's face in his hand. "Now. What was all that business with Nymphadora, Remus?"
Remus groaned and buried his face in his hands. "This again? You were dead."
"So?"
"It's not like I was a monk while you were in Azkaban, you know."
"So you have other illegitimate Remus children running around? With no Harry to take care of them?"
"And you don't have illegitimate Sirius children running around? You weren't exactly a monk yourself, you know."
"Right. That's it. We're going back down to sort this out." Sirius stood, grabbing Remus's hand to pull him up. "Come on."
"Come on where? What do you mean, back down? Is that even possible? Wouldn't James and Lily have done it? Sirius. Sirius. PADFOOT."
"Right. Yes. Shut up, Moony. You're the one who's been off having illegitimate babies while I've been dead. I get to be in charge for awhile." he said, tugging at Remus's hand.
"That never ends well."
"First time for everything," Sirius said, winking as he pulled on Remus's hand once more and the pair went tumbling.
It seemed to go on forever.
Falling through air and space, time and- hold it, was that?
"Yes, that's London. Do try to keep up."
And suddenly, as quickly as they'd fallen, they landed with a thump.
"This carpet is delicious."
"Shut up Moony, it's not my fault you were too busy having illegitimate children to learn how to land properly."
Remus looked up from his prone position. Sirius did seem to have landed on his feet, in the middle of someone's flat. Someone with pictures of- all of them at Hogwarts? And Lily and James? And Harry and a five year- shit.
"I just DIED, Sirius. How is Teddy five years old already?" he said, climbing to his feet.
"Well, by my reckoning, I should have an 8 year old daughter running around somewhere that we've got to go collect after this. Her mum won't be too happy, but better to collect her now before she starts creeping out her muggle grandparents with spells and such."
"I am going to kill you."
"What? It's not like you'd forgiven me by then. And I died and you had BABIES WITH MY COUSIN."
A throat clearing kept the two from furthering their argument.
"Right. I don't know what the two of you are doing here, but someone had better explain it to me before Teddy wakes up and finds you-"
"Daddy? DADDY!" Remus was, not at all surprised to find himself on the floor for the third time this day.
"I hate you," he said, looking up at Sirius. "Hello Teddy," he said, picking up his son and climbing to his feet. "Did you have a nice time with Harry?"
"Yeah! We played trains!"
"Trains, huh?"
"And Aunt Hermione taught me about the American Muggle legal system!"
"She did, did she?"
"Yeah!... Where's mummy? And who's that hairy man who's hugging Uncle Harry?"
"Right. Your mummy... is still..."
"Visiting relatives in Aruba." Harry interjected.
"Right." Remus said, nodding, before looking at Harry puzzledly. "Aruba, Harry?" Harry looked sheepish.
"And that hairy man who needs a shave," Remus continued pointedly, "is your new mummy."
"Oi. How come I have to be the mummy? I'm very manly, Moony."
"Because you're off having illegitimate children while I was still alive? Plus, you've got the hair for it."
Harry covered a snicker. "You do, you know."
Teddy tugged on Remus's ear excitedly. "Does that mean I get a new brother? Jamie's got three brothers already, and I want one."
"Will a sister do, squirt? We've got to collect one of those before the day is over."
"Dunnoh. Might rather have a dog." Teddy said sullenly.
"..." Remus shared a look with Sirius and laughed. "I think you might have one of those anyway, Teddy." He smoothed the hair off his son's forehead and gave him a kiss. "I think you just might."