(no subject)
I need an artistic outlet. When your passion becomes your study, and your career, like everything else, it also becomes something you run away from. People say to make a career of what you love, don't do it. It will suck all your love out and replace it with frustration. There are those rare moment of clarity where you love it and you think this is what you are here to do. But those moments are far and few in between. My viola has become this nemesis for my fingers and brain. My fingers are swollen, ripped to crap, my brain feels about the same. A cadenza should be cradled in love, not analyzed to the point of notes as a series pixels on a series of lines on a series of pages. I loved you sweet viola, why did you have to turn on me? You know how crazy woman in post partum think crazy thoughts about their children, like putting them in the freezer, or microwave? That is like me and my viola, I am suffering post partum music school. I sometimes fantasize about dropping my viola on the road and watching it get runover and shattered to dust. Then I feel horribly and apologize to my viola, promise I didn't mean it and beg her to take me back. But music is a fickle mistress, and she makes me pay- by ripping my fingers and shredding my brain.