a long'n
I have to say that it REALLY REALLY REALLY annoys me that my mother yells to me from the other room and when I answer her she can NEVER HEAR IT and UGGGGH it pisses me off. It also pisses me off when I am helping a customer and another one comes and shoves their Lowe's card in my face or even sometimes says "excuse me!" when it is so obvious that I am not done with the order I am working on. And also when I turn the register light OFF and they come anyway and when I turn it ON and am just standing there doing nothing and they are like "derrr are you open???" *sigh* okay I dunno where that came from...
Anyhoo...
I went to the awards ceremony today and the highlights were:
Paige and Nancy and Tristan playing violin---yessss you guys were wonderful
That senior's dog that she's training, which was across the aisle from me and was so happy and wagging its tail and being cute
And Chris winning that award
Also it was awesome to get to see Chris and Sarah two days in a row. Love you guys :o)
It was really really strange to be at school though. It's like, these past few weeks have felt so incredibly different, like a different world from the one I live in during school. I went there, sat in Sternberger next to Chris, but Chris isn't part of my "school world" he is part of any world I live in, he's just part of me and he feels so comfortable. But being around the underclassmen (except for Sarah and Graham for some reason) and with Vince a few rows in front of me and all the people I used to be close with all around me, I felt so strange. When Melanie won all those awards and she got up and walked to receive them, I watched Vince's face as she walked up there. I watched the way he looked at her and smiled. At first I was like *cringe* but then I realized that it's okay. It's not just okay, it's good. I am definitely moving on with my life, living in this new "summer world" and not being suffocated by all the layers of memories and events and feelings that hang in the air at Guilford. I hope that when I come back next year the old layers can be scraped off and I can start over...though I dunno if that will ever happen. I suppose it will just keep building upon itself. The point is that school is an odd place for me. The last few weeks I hated it there. It wasn't any particular reason, and I know you might not believe me when I say that. I managed to keep myself from ever looking at Melanie so that I wouldn't think mean thoughts or be sad, I managed to steer pretty clear of Vince most of the time after I realized I wasn't ready to be his "buddy". But it wasn't just that stuff-though of course it was a part of it. It was everything. Every place on that campus has something from the past three years of my life. Every space has a memory or a thought hung in time as I walked through, and I could feel them all those last few weeks. Sometimes it was hard just to step onto campus, just to walk onto those bricks and past those benches and up those stairs. It was hard to sit on those couches in Founders, get on the computers in Bauman, walk the bridge on the green. These things were so difficult for me, and I think if I went and did them now, sort of like I did today, they would still be difficult. Because there is so much of me on that campus. I became so soured to it for awhile. I hated every inch of it and wanted to leave. But now I realize it's not the campus I hate, or the school, or the people. It's the things I went through, the things I let myself get into, the thoughts I let myself have, the things that were my fault. The times I had to leave Chemistry to cry in the bathroom. The times I left math class just to get away from Ms. Bouldin. That time she locked me out and swore at me. The time(s) I wanted to punch Guy in the face for being such an arrogant bastard of a "teacher".
I've been so many different people since I started high school. I've been happy and funny and witty. I've been antisocial, self-destructive and depressed. I've been dependent and nagging. I've been passionate and loving. But really I guess I was all those things at the same time, but some came out as others hid at times. Sometimes I wonder who I would be if I'd gone to Southwest or Ragsdale.
Sometimes I miss the way things were just a few months ago. When he stepped out, everything changed. My whole life changed. He was my whole life. And now what is my life about? It's a bout music, and my friends, and meeting new people, and finding God, and trying to be nicer to my mother, and trying to find something I'm good at, and wow. I didn't think I'd be able to finish that sentence. I'm glad I have direction again.
Anyhoo...
I went to the awards ceremony today and the highlights were:
Paige and Nancy and Tristan playing violin---yessss you guys were wonderful
That senior's dog that she's training, which was across the aisle from me and was so happy and wagging its tail and being cute
And Chris winning that award
Also it was awesome to get to see Chris and Sarah two days in a row. Love you guys :o)
It was really really strange to be at school though. It's like, these past few weeks have felt so incredibly different, like a different world from the one I live in during school. I went there, sat in Sternberger next to Chris, but Chris isn't part of my "school world" he is part of any world I live in, he's just part of me and he feels so comfortable. But being around the underclassmen (except for Sarah and Graham for some reason) and with Vince a few rows in front of me and all the people I used to be close with all around me, I felt so strange. When Melanie won all those awards and she got up and walked to receive them, I watched Vince's face as she walked up there. I watched the way he looked at her and smiled. At first I was like *cringe* but then I realized that it's okay. It's not just okay, it's good. I am definitely moving on with my life, living in this new "summer world" and not being suffocated by all the layers of memories and events and feelings that hang in the air at Guilford. I hope that when I come back next year the old layers can be scraped off and I can start over...though I dunno if that will ever happen. I suppose it will just keep building upon itself. The point is that school is an odd place for me. The last few weeks I hated it there. It wasn't any particular reason, and I know you might not believe me when I say that. I managed to keep myself from ever looking at Melanie so that I wouldn't think mean thoughts or be sad, I managed to steer pretty clear of Vince most of the time after I realized I wasn't ready to be his "buddy". But it wasn't just that stuff-though of course it was a part of it. It was everything. Every place on that campus has something from the past three years of my life. Every space has a memory or a thought hung in time as I walked through, and I could feel them all those last few weeks. Sometimes it was hard just to step onto campus, just to walk onto those bricks and past those benches and up those stairs. It was hard to sit on those couches in Founders, get on the computers in Bauman, walk the bridge on the green. These things were so difficult for me, and I think if I went and did them now, sort of like I did today, they would still be difficult. Because there is so much of me on that campus. I became so soured to it for awhile. I hated every inch of it and wanted to leave. But now I realize it's not the campus I hate, or the school, or the people. It's the things I went through, the things I let myself get into, the thoughts I let myself have, the things that were my fault. The times I had to leave Chemistry to cry in the bathroom. The times I left math class just to get away from Ms. Bouldin. That time she locked me out and swore at me. The time(s) I wanted to punch Guy in the face for being such an arrogant bastard of a "teacher".
I've been so many different people since I started high school. I've been happy and funny and witty. I've been antisocial, self-destructive and depressed. I've been dependent and nagging. I've been passionate and loving. But really I guess I was all those things at the same time, but some came out as others hid at times. Sometimes I wonder who I would be if I'd gone to Southwest or Ragsdale.
Sometimes I miss the way things were just a few months ago. When he stepped out, everything changed. My whole life changed. He was my whole life. And now what is my life about? It's a bout music, and my friends, and meeting new people, and finding God, and trying to be nicer to my mother, and trying to find something I'm good at, and wow. I didn't think I'd be able to finish that sentence. I'm glad I have direction again.