Fic: A Hard Act to Follow (A Fic Remix!) Part 2
Title: A Hard Act to Follow (A Fic Remix!)
Author: linelenagain
Original Fic and Author: Disappearing Act by skyblue_reverie
Wordcount: ~11k
Rating: R
Summary: A remix of Disappearing Act by skyblue_reverie. You'll want to read that one first. This is my take on it: 5 ways it could have happened, and 1 way it did.
Notes: I spent a while thinking about how I wanted to remix this. I had a few ideas, and I was really torn between them, so I thought 'why not just do 'em all?' This is that: the same story, five times, told in Mirror-verse, crack, genderswap, smut, angst, and finally a point of view switch for the finale. Any of the parts should stand alone, in the event that you want to skip some, but I hope you'll give them all a chance - they work better together.
The dialogue in the last section is lifted straight from the original fic, with the exception of Bones' little speech towards the end.
I would also like to profusely thank pixelmayhem who, as always, was an enormous help with this. Couldn't do it without you, bb!
I am so grateful to skyblue_reverie for allowing me to play with her wonderful fic. It has been one of my favorites since she wrote it, and if you haven't read it before, or if you have and haven't left feedback, I highly, highly encourage you to do so. Thank you, bb. <3
---
Enough was enough, thought Bones as he slammed the door on another of Jim’s currently unoccupied hiding spots. Today marked week three of Jim’s campaign to avoid him, and Bones had put up with it as long as he intended to.
It had happened before; Jim was a private person who sometimes needed space, but never for this long or with this level of dedication. Jim hadn’t even been back to their room to sleep, and that was something that made Bones’ stomach churn for reasons entirely separate from annoyance.
He knew he wasn’t entitled to complain about it - their relationship was casual, no-strings. Even so, the thought of where Jim had been spending his nights - and the things he had done to earn that shelter - bothered him more than he would willingly admit.
Bones was done waiting and worrying. He had made up his mind to find Jim and he would, there was no doubt in his mind. He knew all the kid’s secret places, from the tiny structure on the roof of the mess hall, to the tree in the park that had branches wide enough for Jim to nap on. Unfortunately, checking them all was a project to which Bones had been forced to devote the entire day.
“God damn kid, wasting my time, probably dead behind a bar somewhere, the stupid idiot...” he grumbled, kicking at a corner of the couch in the library basement - noticeably absent one Jim Kirk.
He was running out of places to search and starting to worry. He’d checked all the usual places, which meant that Jim had either discovered some new spot or been kidnapped by one of his former conquests in an elaborate bid to win him back. Bones could handle either, but he had a feeling Jim just was laying low.
Fortunately, the three years they’d been roommates, and the months they’d spent as something more, had given Bones a particular talent for getting inside Jim’s head. On instinct, he headed towards the last place he’d seen Jim - the auditorium where, three days ago, Jim had received his captaincy.
A slight thrill of triumph shot through him at the sight of the shadowed figure in the corner of the room, but it faded away immediately once he noticed how sad Jim looked. Shoulders hunched, arms hugging his knees to is chest, eyes staring straight ahead - Bones couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Jim looking so forlorn.
“Ah,” he said impatiently, as if he could jostle Jim back to himself by clinging their usual routine. “There you are, Jim.”
Jim didn’t answer, didn’t even seem to register the sound of his voice.
Bones frowned. This was definitely out of the ordinary. Jim enjoyed a good sulk almost as much as Bones himself did, but this silent treatment wasn’t like him at all.
He sat down next to Jim, taking a moment to study his friend. Jim’s face was red, and there was a shininess to his eyes that Bones didn’t like at all. He was tempted to reach out, to embrace Jim and give him a kiss on the forehead, but that would be a disaster, the end of the comfortable relationship that was all Bones had, and more than he was willing to risk.
Annoyed at himself and his inappropriate urges, he spoke sharply. “I'm trying to help here. The least you could do is acknowledge my existence."
Jim didn’t turn. “Fine, you’re here. Now fuck off, Bones.”
He knew Jim expected him to lash out, to say something sharp and biting, or even to initiate a bruising, punitive kiss. That was their routine, and it was comforting - if you were going to hurt, it was better that the sting come from a friend.
He took a moment to watch Jim’s face. The man’s expression was shuttered closed, but Bones could almost read the thoughts behind those clear eyes - not that he would ever tell him that. Jim waited, resignation shifting towards confusion as the anticipated barb did not come.
And suddenly, Bones was too tired for prevarication. Looking down at Jim’s sad, blotchy face, he found himself entirely incapable of pretense, and there was nothing inside him with any desire to cause Jim pain.
“Hey,” he whispered, running a thumb gently over Jim’s cheek. “Hey, it’s just me.”
Jim took a ragged breath, but didn’t pull away, and Bones took that as tacit permission. Reaching an arm around Jim’s shoulders, he pulled the man gently towards him, leaning his face against the top of Jim’s head.
It was strange, Bones thought as Jim relaxed against him, that though he must have touched this man a hundred times in many more intimate ways, this small, friendly embrace was going to be his undoing.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice low, even, and hiding none of the affection and worry he was feeling.
Jim shook his head slightly, which had the affect of nuzzling him even closer to Bones’ chest. Not one to let an opportunity pass, Bones tightened his arms around him. “Okay,” he whispered into Jim’s hair. “Okay. We’ll just sit like this then, for a while.”
Jim’s shoulders shook, and Bones realized that he was crying. He was at a loss, desperate to offer Jim some comfort but afraid to make things worse. Tentatively, he ran a hand lightly over Jim’s back.
Jim took a sharp breath, leaning into the touch, and tightening his hold around his knees. Something broke inside Bones then, watching Jim shake and knowing he would accept the comfort Bones wanted so badly to give.
He shifted, moving Jim forward just a little and planting a light kiss on the back of his neck. Jim shuddered, but his sobs seemed to abate somewhat, so Bones repeated the gesture, again and again, lightly placing kisses from Jim’s shoulder to the soft place behind his ear.
“Bones,” Jim whispered, finally stilled, and for a moment Bones was desperately afraid - in all the nights they’d spent together he’d never held Jim like this, never touched him with quite this level of adoring tenderness. But he was only afraid for a moment, because then Jim was looking up at him, eyes wide and wet and strangely hopeful. Bones braced himself for the kiss, but there was no need; instead of a harsh meeting of lips and teeth it was a gentle, almost hesitant brush of Jim’s mouth over his.
Jim sighed, a happy sound that did strange, warm things to Bones’ insides. He smiled against Jim’s mouth, almost breaking the kiss, then deepening it, gently tracing Jim’s lips with his tongue before parting them.
Jim brought a hand up to cradle the back of Bones’ neck, carding his fingers through Bones’ hair and making him shiver. It wasn’t easy to lay Jim down on his back without dislodging him, but Bones managed, planting a hand on either side of his head and hovering over him before finally pulling away, his heart fluttering at Jim’s quiet moan of loss. He trailed light, teasing kisses down Jim’s neck, towards the collar of his uniform, ignoring Jim’s hands at his shoulders trying to shift him back up for another kiss.
“Please,” Jim whispered, and Bones had no intention of making him ask twice. He gently pushed Jim’s shirt up, mouthing kisses over his stomach while fumbling with the fastenings on Jim’s pants.
Jim tried to sit up, running his hand over the inside of Bones’s thigh towards his zipper, but Bones pushed him back onto the ground, gently but firmly. Jim’s eyes widened; he may have had a reputation for quantity over quality when it came to his partners, but having been on the receiving end of his attentions, Bones knew he wasn’t selfish in that regard. Jim preferred to give rather than receive, and though Bones was normally content to offer himself up to the man’s talented ministrations, this might be the only opportunity he got to do this for Jim, and he intended to take it.
“Just - let me take care of you,” Bones said quietly, not knowing if Jim would see beyond the words to what he was really trying to say.
Whether he did or not, Jim nodded, laying back against the floor and biting his lip, as if steadying himself.
Bones breathed in sharply as he reached into Jim’s pants and found the man already hard. Taking Jim in a firm grip, he moved his hand up and down in a steady rhythm that almost followed the drumming pulse of his own heartbeat.
Jim gasped, bucking his hips into the empty air and closing his eyes, and Bones leaned over him in a flash.
“No darlin’, no, don’t do that. Look at me,” Bones whispered, stilling his hand. Jim opened his eyes, biting down on his lip hard enough that Bones was worried he’d draw blood. He leaned down for a kiss, and to reassure himself that Jim’s mouth was as perfect as it had been a few moments ago. Pulling away, he smiled at Jim’s steady gaze.
“That’s right,” he breathed, leaning in until they were almost nose to nose and moving his hand again. “That’s right, darlin’, look at me. It’s just me.”
Jim tipped his face up, sealing their mouths with a kiss. He came then, with their lips pressed together and their eyes locked in a heated stare, and Bones couldn’t remember ever seeing anything so lovely.
Afterwards, Bones lay down beside Jim, watching him and waiting for the inevitable fallout. He had broken all their unwritten rules about keeping things casual, but at that moment, with Jim sprawled out and breathing easier beside him, there was no place in him for regret.
Eventually, Jim lifted his head. He smiled a little, but it looked pained, and reached down to brush the waistband of Bones’ pants.
Bones moved away. “You don’t have to-”
“Please. Please let me,” Jim said, reaching for Bones with unsteady hands. Bones moaned, and he couldn’t have said whether it was at the touch or the hesitation behind it, because this was Jim Kirk, and his hands did not tremble.
He was already close, and the light brush of Jim’s hands through the fabric of his pants as he unfastened them was almost enough to push him over the edge. He sighed, grasping uselessly at the floor as Jim trailed his fingers over him, running his thumb lightly around the head.
Jim bent down, mouthing tiny, wet kisses down his length. Bones shuddered, a choked, broken, noise escaping him as his hips lifted inches off the ground. Jim pushed him to the floor again, lips hovering over his cock, eyes upward, as if waiting for a signal. Bones said nothing, just watched, trying desperately to memorize Jim’s hesitant expression.
Finally, Jim seemed to find what he was looking for, breaking their locked gaze and taking Bones into his mouth, running his tongue back and forth as he sucked gently. Balancing his weight on one hand, he used the other to knead the muscles of Bones’ inner thigh before running it upwards to circle his shaft.
Bones was done. Eyes squeezed shut, he came with a stuttering gasp, his orgasm breaking over him like waves.
When he came back to himself, Jim was laying beside him, face pressed into Bones’ shoulder and one arm thrown over his chest. Bones wrapped an arm around him, holding him close and looking at the room with new eyes, wondering how he ever could have missed the fact that the world was so nearly perfect.
“I love you too, Bones,” Jim whispered, voice hoarse and shaken.
And there it was, perfection achieved. “Good.” Bones rubbed the back of Jim’s neck, not wanting to stop touching him now that he knew these gentle explorations were allowed. “Feel better?”
Jim tilted his face up to smile at him. “That’s a stupid question.”
For once, Bones felt no urge to hold back his answering grin. “I guess.”
Jim sighed, dropping his head back against Bones’ chest. “Not that all the sex we’ve been having hasn’t been great, but you should have said something ages ago because that was amazing.”
Bones half-sat, bucking Jim off him with a muffled yelp. “Me?”
“Well sure,” Jim said, looking up at him guilelessly. “You’re the one who always insisted it was just sex.” Bones reached up to touch his own face, verifying for himself that his jaw had not actually dropped. Jim laughed, as if sensing his intentions. “You’re surprised? What did you think I was upset about? It kind of sucks to be in love with your best friend when that’s not what he wants from you.”
“I know.” And for a moment, Bones was sincerely worried for the future of the Federation, because if two of its most senior officers could be this colossally stupid, the universe was probably doomed.
Jim stood, refastening his pants and brushing himself off as much as he could, then reached out a hand for Bones and pulled him to his feet. Before Bones could say anything, Jim was in front of him, smoothing his hair and straightening his uniform. “There, that’ll do until we get back to the room. Ready?”
“No,” Bones said around the lump in his throat. He reached out with no clear idea of what he was doing, just knowing that they weren’t touching and at this moment that was not okay. “Jim- I’m-”
“Hey,” Jim whispered, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. “Like this, okay?”
Bones nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Jim smiled and turned towards the door, pulling Bones with him, their joined hands swaying gently in the space between.
---
After an entire day spent looking, and exactly fourteen unanswered text-comms, Bones found him in the auditorium. He wanted to storm over to Jim, to stomp so hard his footsteps echoed across the silence that he was well and truly sick of, but Jim cut such a forlorn figure, slumped and shadowy, that Bones couldn’t bring himself to be angry.
He walked over quietly, his steps muffled by the thin, gray carpeting. Jim did not acknowledge his presence, but Bones knew he’d been noticed, all the same. He lowered himself to the ground slowly, sitting next to Jim and nudging him gently with his shoulder.
Jim said nothing.
Bones’ lips pulled back in a silent growl and he bumped Jim again, harder this time. Jim shuddered in response, and lowered his face to hide behind his pulled-up knees.
Annoyed now, Bones reached over, invading Jim’s personal space to tip his chin up with a finger, then dropped his hand at the sight of Jim’s red and tear-streaked face.
Jim bit his lip, pulling his knees closer to his chest and shrinking in on himself, but not lowering his head again. Bones tried for a smile, but from the crushed expression on Jim’s face it had been perceived as more of a grimace.
“I’m sorry, Bones,” Jim said, raggedly. “I’m so sorry.”
Bones knew that Jim wasn’t apologizing for vanishing, or making Bones spend the day searching all of his hiding spots. Well, he maybe he was, a little, but that wasn’t the reason for his unexpected breakdown.
Bones touched his own throat, raising his eyebrows to ask a question he already knew the answer to. Jim nodded, and Bones shook his head, fervently.
It wasn’t your fault, he wished he could say. But that was stupid, because if he could say anything, anything at all, he wouldn’t need to - Jim wouldn’t think he had anything to be sorry for.
Jim’s face crumpled and his head dropped to his knees again, Bones’ pathetic attempt at silent comfort apparently doing more harm than good. His heart breaking, Bones reached into a pocket for his PADD.
--Not your fault.-- He typed onto the screen. Giving Jim’s shoulder a gentle shake, he shoved the device in front of Jim’s wary face.
“Not my-” Jim gaped. “Of course it’s my fault. Fuck. You put your career on the line sneaking me aboard the Enterprise and this is how I thank you? By getting you strangled almost to fucking death?”
Bones shook his head again, willing Jim to try and listen, to believe. He typed again. --Had to be done.--
“By me,” Jim said, running the back of his hand roughly over his cheeks. “I was supposed to provoke Spock, not you. He was supposed to attack me, not you.” Jim dropped his hand, staring at him fiercely. “Why did you do it? I had it under control. He was about to go for me - but then you jumped in and said all that about how pathetic he was for not keeping his temper and you must have known what was going to happen, so why?” Jim practically moaned the last word.
Bones fumbled at the keys of his communicator, wishing he were a better typist or, failing that, that he could curse. --Knew what you were doing. You needed to control the ship. Only way to get Spock to step down.--
“But Bones,” Jim said, tears running down the side of his nose, “you should have just let him attack me. That was the plan. It might have been different, he might not have broken-”
Bones raised hand for silence, frowning at Jim’s frustrated expression. Brows furrowed, he typed another message, more quickly this time, and shoved the comm at Jim, who pushed it away without looking. “No, Bones, there’s nothing-”
Bones slammed a fist into the ground. The carpeting absorbed most of the impact, but his point was clear, and Jim took the comm without another word.
--No one’s going to hurt you if I can stop it.--
Jim absolutely shattered, covering his face with his hands and breathing with choking gasps that ripped through Bones’ chest straight into his heart. The forgotten comm fell to the ground as he pulled Jim into his arms, holding him still and making the gentle, hushing sounds that were all he could produce.
“Sorry, I’m so sorry,” Jim choked out, over and over between sobs. At that moment, Bones would have walked into space without a suit if only he had the words and the voice to offer Jim any comfort. Instead, he had to make do with running a steady hand up and down Jim’s back, and willing Jim to understand through his touch and his silence that in all the things Bones felt for him, there was no anger.
After a time, Jim’s cries subsided to harsh breathing, and Bones, without dislodging him from his position against Bones’ chest, reached for the comm again.
He typed out his message slowly and carefully, knowing this was his opportunity to say his piece without interruption. Finally, when he’d arranged his words as carefully as he could, he closed Jim’s hand over the device.
Wordlessly, Jim turned his face away from Bones’ shoulder to read the screen.
--Jim. This was not your fault. This was not Spock’s fault. This was not my fault. It happened, Earth is safe, Nero is dead. I’ll get my voice back eventually. And yes, you might not have gotten hurt, but you might have. You could just as easily have died. And how do you think I’d feel if that happened, knowing I could have done something to stop it?
You’re the captain of the Enterprise, Jim. You’re always going to be facing danger. But I’m going to jump between it and you whenever I can. Get used to it.--
Jim dropped the comm to his lap, shaking his head. “Bones - I can’t. I just can’t-”
Bones tapped a finger to Jim’s lips to hush him. Jim’s eyes widened, and his mouth slammed shut with a nearly audible snap. Slowly, slowly, Bones traced Jim’s lower lip, then curled his hand to brush his knuckles over the scar on Jim’s cheek.
Jim closed his eyes, and Bones ran the pad of his thumb over the lids with infinite tenderness before brushing against the fringe of Jim’s eyelashes. Jim took an unsteady breath, and Bones moved his hand upward to graze along the ridge of his brow, then outward to the edge of his ear.
Finally, Bones’ hand settled, cupping Jim’s cheek. Jim’s eyes blinked open once, twice, then on the third time stayed wide, staring into Bones’ steady, patient gaze.
Jim opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again, and Bones could almost hear the stream of thoughts and questions running too fast behind his eyes.
Bones smiled, and this time, looking at eyes so blue they always remind him of clear water, it came easily, and he saw its reflection on Jim’s bemused face.
Jim, steady and himself again, leaned forward, bringing their mouths together and taking the last step in this odd dance that Bones had begun but could not finish. And wasn’t it strange, Bones thought, that now, without speaking, he’d been given the thing he’d wanted for so long but had never before been able to ask for.
Jim’s muffled sighs echoed through the empty room, and though Bones couldn’t copy the sound, he certainly shared the sentiment. After what felt like only moments but was probably much longer, they pulled apart.
Jim flashed his usual too-bright smile, and Bones braced himself for a joke or a jibe to break the tension. But Jim said nothing, just reached out to take Bones’ hand and place it lightly over his heart.
Bones locked his eyes on Jim’s, willing the man to read his gaze and understand all the things he suddenly wished he could say. Jim’s smile widened and he leaned forward, lips brushing Bones’ ear as he whispered. “Love you, too.”
Then, after running a thumb lightly over the corner of Bones’ blinding grin, Jim stood, pulling Bones with him to his feet. Dropping his hand, Jim turned and started quickly towards the door.
Bones stood still for a moment, until Jim made a small follow-me gesture over his shoulder. Then Bones started after him, covering the steps between them in a few quick strides. Without looking back, Jim extended a hand behind him. Bones took it, warmed by the thought that Jim knew exactly where their hands would meet.
---
As soon as he heard the hiss of the auditorium door, Jim knew the game was up. He didn’t even have a moment to compose himself before he heard the footsteps start in his direction.
He didn’t need to look, he felt Bones drop into place beside him. “Ah,” the too-familiar voice said off-handedly. “There you are, Jim.” As if Bones had happened across him on the quad, instead of using their strange connection to track him to the most obscure corner of campus. Ridiculous, but it still soothed him.
Jim knew if he looked at Bones, or opened his mouth to speak it would all be over, so he wrapped his arms tighter around his shins and willed himself to stillness.
He felt a gentle nudge against his shoulder, and the momentary distraction almost cost him his composure. He focused on keeping his breathing slow and even, counting each breath in and out.
Bones sighed, reaching into his pocket to retrieve the flask he carried mostly for show, these days. He tilted it back and forth in front of Jim’s face, as if Jim could be enticed by the prospect of losing even more of his control. Jim bit his tongue; Bones may be known for his vitriol, but it was Jim who wielded words like weapons, and he didn’t want to fight with Bones, not now.
“Talk to me, kid,” Bones said, and the sadness in his voice only strengthened Jim’s resolve. He absolutely would not speak, because the moment he opened his mouth he would beg, he would fall to the ground and offer Bones anything if only he’d go with him on the Enterprise. Bones was a soft touch, Jim knew, who may well resign himself to a lifetime of misery and fear because Jim was too fucked up to let him go be happy. He didn’t even know what frightened him more, the thought that Bones would ignore his pleading, or that he would accede to it.
Next to him, Bones growled. "For god's sake, Jim, I'm trying to help here. The least you could do is acknowledge my existence."
Jim winced. Bones had to go, now, before Jim said something both of them would regret. This was the perfect opening - Jim had a knack for saying things that made people want to leave him. Even so, the words almost didn’t come. “Fine, Bones, you’re there. Now fuck off.”
There was a brief silence during which Jim knew Bones was studying him. Finally, the man shifted and Jim braced himself, certain his heart would crack further with each step Bones took towards the door.
But Bones didn’t stand, just dropped a tentative arm around Jim’s shoulders. Jim took a startled breath, every muscle in his body strung with tension, hoping Bones would take the hint and let him loose, but he just pulled Jim more firmly against his side.
“Relax, kid,” Bones murmured, so gently. “It’s okay. It’s just me.”
That was all Jim could take. It was all he could do to stop himself from begging Bones not to leave him, he wasn’t strong enough to turn away from this momentary comfort. He felt himself relax into the warmth of the other man, the fabric of his uniform soft and rough under Jim’s cheek. Just this once, he told himself. Just this one time, he could let himself have this.
Pressed against Bones’ chest, Jim was surrounded by the smell of clean laundry and soap and just a hint of the earth that was so much a part of Bones. That was his undoing; he couldn’t remember another occasion he’d felt so entirely safe. It was too much, seeing what he was giving up now that he’d had it, and Jim knew it was about to cost him either his silence or his stillness.
He swallowed back the words, choking on the lump in his throat and it was over. Tears stung his eyes, sliding over scalding cheeks while he fought for breath, and fuck, who knew crying would hurt so much?
Though anyone else might have dropped him, Jim knew Bones never would, so he wasn’t surprised when the other man pulled Jim practically onto his lap, encircling him completely in his arms. Jim was done fighting; he leaned closer, wrapping his arms around Bones’ waist and sobbing so hard he wondered if it was possible to rip in half.
Bones made a tiny, broken sound and hushed him, one hand carding gently through his hair in a sweet gesture of affection that Jim, who thought he’d been caressed in every way possible, was completely unprepared for.
“Hey,” Bones whispered, low enough that Jim almost didn’t hear him over the sobs. “Hey, don’t cry, Jim. Don’t. Don’t you know it breaks my heart to see you like this? Why didn’t you come to me earlier if you were feelin’ bad? I’d take care of you, if you let me. Why don’t you ever let me? God, I love you so much, Jim, you must know that. All I want to do is lock you up in our room and watch you and make sure nothing hurts you ever again.”
Jim let the words wash over him, filling every crack and broken place inside him with something warm and bright. He knew Bones probably wasn’t registering what he was saying - the man had a tendency to get lost in his own head, and the words had that distant tone that told him Bones’ thoughts were elsewhere. But he also knew that these weren’t things Bones would say if he didn’t absolutely mean them, heart and soul, and Jim was going to keep every promise and endearment for the days ahead, to fill the void of Bones’ absence.
Sobs receding, Jim let himself get lost in Bones’ voice, knowing he would never forget a word of this strange and wonderful confession. “You’re the only man I’d follow into space, fuck, I’d follow you straight into Hell. You’d probably lead me there, too, but you’d get us both back out again. I trust you, so you’re gonna have to start trusting me. Because you’re absolutely stuck with me, Jim - I’m gonna follow you around for the rest of my life, because the thought of watching you fly away from me breaks my fucking heart.”
And trust Bones to know how to fix everything, because that, that was what Jim needed to hear. Bones was going to stay. He was going to stay on the Enterprise and be Jim’s CMO because he loved Jim even more than he hated space, and so much more than Jim deserved.
Jim gave a final, ragged gasp, and then was quiet. They stayed like that for a long time; Jim had no inclination to disentangle himself from Bones, who in turn seemed to be in no hurry to let him go.
Finally, he knew he had to either say something, or let the moment pass. “I’m in love with you too, Bones,” he said, wishing he was in a position to see Bones’ face.
Bones seemed to sag with relief, and then stiffen, Jim’s words apparently having caught up with him. “I - you - what?”
And Jim, who could envision Bones’ wide-eyed confusion as clearly as he could his own face, laughed. “I said, ‘I’m in love with you too, Bones.’”
Bones shoved Jim roughly off his lap. “What makes you so goddamn sure I’m in love with you?”
His face was exactly as Jim had pictured it, and Jim laughed again. "Well, for one thing, you risked your career to sneak me onto the Enterprise. Kind of a clue there."
Bones pouted. "Jim, you risked your life to save the entire planet. Does that mean you're in love with everyone on earth?"
“That’s different,” Jim said with a wave of his hand. “I was just doing what was necessary. Anybody in my position would've done the same.”
Bones smiled, just a little bit. “That’s all I was doing too, kid, when I snuck you onboard,” he said, lying so badly that Jim resolved to give him lessons on the subject at some future point.
"Bones, you're a terrible liar. But fine, if you want to play it that way, there's also the fact that you actually looked for me and found me and held me while I cried like a little baby. That's some dedication right there." Jim flushed. Bones would probably have the grace to let him live this incident down, but that didn’t mean Jim wasn’t a little embarrassed.
"Jim, anyone would've had a stress breakdown after what you've been through. It's a completely normal psychological reaction. I'd be a pretty poor doctor and a poorer friend if I didn't try to do something about it."
Jim smiled. Trust Bones to make this difficult even after he’d already done the hard part. "Okay, Bones, if you want to be stubborn, there's also the fact that for the last ten minutes you've been murmuring in my ear about how much you love me and want to take care of me and can't live without me and stuff."
Bones froze, mouth agape, and then rallied, bracing himself as if he were about to make a dramatic pronouncement that he hadn’t quite thought of yet. Jim smiled at his expression; Bones’ face was flushed red, and his eyes wide with panic, and that was all right. Bones had brought them this far, Jim could take them the rest of the way.
He tipped his head up, closed his eyes, and kissed Bones, trying to put his whole self into it, everything he felt and hoped and wanted but had been too afraid to ask for. He deepened the kiss, thinking of late night conversations and shared dinners and friendly arguments that lasted longer than they should have because both sides were simply having fun. He thought of all the times Bones had patched him up, scolding him gently enough to remind Jim that he was cared for, healing Jim’s body as well as his spirit.
Finally, finally, Bones leaned into the kiss, grasping Jim by the shoulders and pulling him fiercely closer. Jim reached out, grabbing at Bones’ arms, his back, grasping for purchase and fumbling for something to hold on to.
As if he could sense Jim’s desperation, and hell, he probably could, Bones moaned, rocking forward and lowering Jim gently to the floor. Jim relaxed as Bones hovered over him, making himself a shield between Jim and the world.
This was it, Jim thought, this was the future, the thing he’d needed even before he’d known enough to want it. He was never going to let go now - Bones was his, and he was Bones’, and it was them against a universe that was apparently not as cruel as Jim had previously believed.
The kiss wound down, and Jim pulled away with a final press of his lips against the corner of Bones’ mouth. “Wow, Bones, if I’d known you were that good of a kisser, I’d have done that ages ago.”
Bones’ voice was stern, but the corners of his lips quirked. "No, you wouldn't have. You were too busy having sex with everything that moves to look twice at me. And you needed to get that out of your system. Because, Jim," Bones stared at him, suddenly intent, "I don't share. I mean it."
Gripping Jim firmly by the shoulders, he pulled him into another kiss. Jim gave himself up to it, welcoming Bones into his mouth and letting Bones wrap him up tightly in his arms, as if Jim might try to escape again. As if he could go anywhere without Bones at his back.
Bones pulled back with a smile, leaning forward to murmur into his ear. "Now that you're mine, kid,” Jim shivered again at the thought of it: his, “we've got a lot of lost time to make up for, so what do you say we go back to our room and start on that?"
“You think you can keep up, old man?” Jim said, grinning wickedly as Bones’ eyes glazed. He jumped to his feet, letting out a whoop of joy and triumph. Sprinting towards the door with a spring in his step, Jim smiled, certain and steadied by the knowledge that Bones was behind him.
Author: linelenagain
Original Fic and Author: Disappearing Act by skyblue_reverie
Wordcount: ~11k
Rating: R
Summary: A remix of Disappearing Act by skyblue_reverie. You'll want to read that one first. This is my take on it: 5 ways it could have happened, and 1 way it did.
Notes: I spent a while thinking about how I wanted to remix this. I had a few ideas, and I was really torn between them, so I thought 'why not just do 'em all?' This is that: the same story, five times, told in Mirror-verse, crack, genderswap, smut, angst, and finally a point of view switch for the finale. Any of the parts should stand alone, in the event that you want to skip some, but I hope you'll give them all a chance - they work better together.
The dialogue in the last section is lifted straight from the original fic, with the exception of Bones' little speech towards the end.
I would also like to profusely thank pixelmayhem who, as always, was an enormous help with this. Couldn't do it without you, bb!
I am so grateful to skyblue_reverie for allowing me to play with her wonderful fic. It has been one of my favorites since she wrote it, and if you haven't read it before, or if you have and haven't left feedback, I highly, highly encourage you to do so. Thank you, bb. <3
---
Enough was enough, thought Bones as he slammed the door on another of Jim’s currently unoccupied hiding spots. Today marked week three of Jim’s campaign to avoid him, and Bones had put up with it as long as he intended to.
It had happened before; Jim was a private person who sometimes needed space, but never for this long or with this level of dedication. Jim hadn’t even been back to their room to sleep, and that was something that made Bones’ stomach churn for reasons entirely separate from annoyance.
He knew he wasn’t entitled to complain about it - their relationship was casual, no-strings. Even so, the thought of where Jim had been spending his nights - and the things he had done to earn that shelter - bothered him more than he would willingly admit.
Bones was done waiting and worrying. He had made up his mind to find Jim and he would, there was no doubt in his mind. He knew all the kid’s secret places, from the tiny structure on the roof of the mess hall, to the tree in the park that had branches wide enough for Jim to nap on. Unfortunately, checking them all was a project to which Bones had been forced to devote the entire day.
“God damn kid, wasting my time, probably dead behind a bar somewhere, the stupid idiot...” he grumbled, kicking at a corner of the couch in the library basement - noticeably absent one Jim Kirk.
He was running out of places to search and starting to worry. He’d checked all the usual places, which meant that Jim had either discovered some new spot or been kidnapped by one of his former conquests in an elaborate bid to win him back. Bones could handle either, but he had a feeling Jim just was laying low.
Fortunately, the three years they’d been roommates, and the months they’d spent as something more, had given Bones a particular talent for getting inside Jim’s head. On instinct, he headed towards the last place he’d seen Jim - the auditorium where, three days ago, Jim had received his captaincy.
A slight thrill of triumph shot through him at the sight of the shadowed figure in the corner of the room, but it faded away immediately once he noticed how sad Jim looked. Shoulders hunched, arms hugging his knees to is chest, eyes staring straight ahead - Bones couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Jim looking so forlorn.
“Ah,” he said impatiently, as if he could jostle Jim back to himself by clinging their usual routine. “There you are, Jim.”
Jim didn’t answer, didn’t even seem to register the sound of his voice.
Bones frowned. This was definitely out of the ordinary. Jim enjoyed a good sulk almost as much as Bones himself did, but this silent treatment wasn’t like him at all.
He sat down next to Jim, taking a moment to study his friend. Jim’s face was red, and there was a shininess to his eyes that Bones didn’t like at all. He was tempted to reach out, to embrace Jim and give him a kiss on the forehead, but that would be a disaster, the end of the comfortable relationship that was all Bones had, and more than he was willing to risk.
Annoyed at himself and his inappropriate urges, he spoke sharply. “I'm trying to help here. The least you could do is acknowledge my existence."
Jim didn’t turn. “Fine, you’re here. Now fuck off, Bones.”
He knew Jim expected him to lash out, to say something sharp and biting, or even to initiate a bruising, punitive kiss. That was their routine, and it was comforting - if you were going to hurt, it was better that the sting come from a friend.
He took a moment to watch Jim’s face. The man’s expression was shuttered closed, but Bones could almost read the thoughts behind those clear eyes - not that he would ever tell him that. Jim waited, resignation shifting towards confusion as the anticipated barb did not come.
And suddenly, Bones was too tired for prevarication. Looking down at Jim’s sad, blotchy face, he found himself entirely incapable of pretense, and there was nothing inside him with any desire to cause Jim pain.
“Hey,” he whispered, running a thumb gently over Jim’s cheek. “Hey, it’s just me.”
Jim took a ragged breath, but didn’t pull away, and Bones took that as tacit permission. Reaching an arm around Jim’s shoulders, he pulled the man gently towards him, leaning his face against the top of Jim’s head.
It was strange, Bones thought as Jim relaxed against him, that though he must have touched this man a hundred times in many more intimate ways, this small, friendly embrace was going to be his undoing.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice low, even, and hiding none of the affection and worry he was feeling.
Jim shook his head slightly, which had the affect of nuzzling him even closer to Bones’ chest. Not one to let an opportunity pass, Bones tightened his arms around him. “Okay,” he whispered into Jim’s hair. “Okay. We’ll just sit like this then, for a while.”
Jim’s shoulders shook, and Bones realized that he was crying. He was at a loss, desperate to offer Jim some comfort but afraid to make things worse. Tentatively, he ran a hand lightly over Jim’s back.
Jim took a sharp breath, leaning into the touch, and tightening his hold around his knees. Something broke inside Bones then, watching Jim shake and knowing he would accept the comfort Bones wanted so badly to give.
He shifted, moving Jim forward just a little and planting a light kiss on the back of his neck. Jim shuddered, but his sobs seemed to abate somewhat, so Bones repeated the gesture, again and again, lightly placing kisses from Jim’s shoulder to the soft place behind his ear.
“Bones,” Jim whispered, finally stilled, and for a moment Bones was desperately afraid - in all the nights they’d spent together he’d never held Jim like this, never touched him with quite this level of adoring tenderness. But he was only afraid for a moment, because then Jim was looking up at him, eyes wide and wet and strangely hopeful. Bones braced himself for the kiss, but there was no need; instead of a harsh meeting of lips and teeth it was a gentle, almost hesitant brush of Jim’s mouth over his.
Jim sighed, a happy sound that did strange, warm things to Bones’ insides. He smiled against Jim’s mouth, almost breaking the kiss, then deepening it, gently tracing Jim’s lips with his tongue before parting them.
Jim brought a hand up to cradle the back of Bones’ neck, carding his fingers through Bones’ hair and making him shiver. It wasn’t easy to lay Jim down on his back without dislodging him, but Bones managed, planting a hand on either side of his head and hovering over him before finally pulling away, his heart fluttering at Jim’s quiet moan of loss. He trailed light, teasing kisses down Jim’s neck, towards the collar of his uniform, ignoring Jim’s hands at his shoulders trying to shift him back up for another kiss.
“Please,” Jim whispered, and Bones had no intention of making him ask twice. He gently pushed Jim’s shirt up, mouthing kisses over his stomach while fumbling with the fastenings on Jim’s pants.
Jim tried to sit up, running his hand over the inside of Bones’s thigh towards his zipper, but Bones pushed him back onto the ground, gently but firmly. Jim’s eyes widened; he may have had a reputation for quantity over quality when it came to his partners, but having been on the receiving end of his attentions, Bones knew he wasn’t selfish in that regard. Jim preferred to give rather than receive, and though Bones was normally content to offer himself up to the man’s talented ministrations, this might be the only opportunity he got to do this for Jim, and he intended to take it.
“Just - let me take care of you,” Bones said quietly, not knowing if Jim would see beyond the words to what he was really trying to say.
Whether he did or not, Jim nodded, laying back against the floor and biting his lip, as if steadying himself.
Bones breathed in sharply as he reached into Jim’s pants and found the man already hard. Taking Jim in a firm grip, he moved his hand up and down in a steady rhythm that almost followed the drumming pulse of his own heartbeat.
Jim gasped, bucking his hips into the empty air and closing his eyes, and Bones leaned over him in a flash.
“No darlin’, no, don’t do that. Look at me,” Bones whispered, stilling his hand. Jim opened his eyes, biting down on his lip hard enough that Bones was worried he’d draw blood. He leaned down for a kiss, and to reassure himself that Jim’s mouth was as perfect as it had been a few moments ago. Pulling away, he smiled at Jim’s steady gaze.
“That’s right,” he breathed, leaning in until they were almost nose to nose and moving his hand again. “That’s right, darlin’, look at me. It’s just me.”
Jim tipped his face up, sealing their mouths with a kiss. He came then, with their lips pressed together and their eyes locked in a heated stare, and Bones couldn’t remember ever seeing anything so lovely.
Afterwards, Bones lay down beside Jim, watching him and waiting for the inevitable fallout. He had broken all their unwritten rules about keeping things casual, but at that moment, with Jim sprawled out and breathing easier beside him, there was no place in him for regret.
Eventually, Jim lifted his head. He smiled a little, but it looked pained, and reached down to brush the waistband of Bones’ pants.
Bones moved away. “You don’t have to-”
“Please. Please let me,” Jim said, reaching for Bones with unsteady hands. Bones moaned, and he couldn’t have said whether it was at the touch or the hesitation behind it, because this was Jim Kirk, and his hands did not tremble.
He was already close, and the light brush of Jim’s hands through the fabric of his pants as he unfastened them was almost enough to push him over the edge. He sighed, grasping uselessly at the floor as Jim trailed his fingers over him, running his thumb lightly around the head.
Jim bent down, mouthing tiny, wet kisses down his length. Bones shuddered, a choked, broken, noise escaping him as his hips lifted inches off the ground. Jim pushed him to the floor again, lips hovering over his cock, eyes upward, as if waiting for a signal. Bones said nothing, just watched, trying desperately to memorize Jim’s hesitant expression.
Finally, Jim seemed to find what he was looking for, breaking their locked gaze and taking Bones into his mouth, running his tongue back and forth as he sucked gently. Balancing his weight on one hand, he used the other to knead the muscles of Bones’ inner thigh before running it upwards to circle his shaft.
Bones was done. Eyes squeezed shut, he came with a stuttering gasp, his orgasm breaking over him like waves.
When he came back to himself, Jim was laying beside him, face pressed into Bones’ shoulder and one arm thrown over his chest. Bones wrapped an arm around him, holding him close and looking at the room with new eyes, wondering how he ever could have missed the fact that the world was so nearly perfect.
“I love you too, Bones,” Jim whispered, voice hoarse and shaken.
And there it was, perfection achieved. “Good.” Bones rubbed the back of Jim’s neck, not wanting to stop touching him now that he knew these gentle explorations were allowed. “Feel better?”
Jim tilted his face up to smile at him. “That’s a stupid question.”
For once, Bones felt no urge to hold back his answering grin. “I guess.”
Jim sighed, dropping his head back against Bones’ chest. “Not that all the sex we’ve been having hasn’t been great, but you should have said something ages ago because that was amazing.”
Bones half-sat, bucking Jim off him with a muffled yelp. “Me?”
“Well sure,” Jim said, looking up at him guilelessly. “You’re the one who always insisted it was just sex.” Bones reached up to touch his own face, verifying for himself that his jaw had not actually dropped. Jim laughed, as if sensing his intentions. “You’re surprised? What did you think I was upset about? It kind of sucks to be in love with your best friend when that’s not what he wants from you.”
“I know.” And for a moment, Bones was sincerely worried for the future of the Federation, because if two of its most senior officers could be this colossally stupid, the universe was probably doomed.
Jim stood, refastening his pants and brushing himself off as much as he could, then reached out a hand for Bones and pulled him to his feet. Before Bones could say anything, Jim was in front of him, smoothing his hair and straightening his uniform. “There, that’ll do until we get back to the room. Ready?”
“No,” Bones said around the lump in his throat. He reached out with no clear idea of what he was doing, just knowing that they weren’t touching and at this moment that was not okay. “Jim- I’m-”
“Hey,” Jim whispered, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. “Like this, okay?”
Bones nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Jim smiled and turned towards the door, pulling Bones with him, their joined hands swaying gently in the space between.
---
After an entire day spent looking, and exactly fourteen unanswered text-comms, Bones found him in the auditorium. He wanted to storm over to Jim, to stomp so hard his footsteps echoed across the silence that he was well and truly sick of, but Jim cut such a forlorn figure, slumped and shadowy, that Bones couldn’t bring himself to be angry.
He walked over quietly, his steps muffled by the thin, gray carpeting. Jim did not acknowledge his presence, but Bones knew he’d been noticed, all the same. He lowered himself to the ground slowly, sitting next to Jim and nudging him gently with his shoulder.
Jim said nothing.
Bones’ lips pulled back in a silent growl and he bumped Jim again, harder this time. Jim shuddered in response, and lowered his face to hide behind his pulled-up knees.
Annoyed now, Bones reached over, invading Jim’s personal space to tip his chin up with a finger, then dropped his hand at the sight of Jim’s red and tear-streaked face.
Jim bit his lip, pulling his knees closer to his chest and shrinking in on himself, but not lowering his head again. Bones tried for a smile, but from the crushed expression on Jim’s face it had been perceived as more of a grimace.
“I’m sorry, Bones,” Jim said, raggedly. “I’m so sorry.”
Bones knew that Jim wasn’t apologizing for vanishing, or making Bones spend the day searching all of his hiding spots. Well, he maybe he was, a little, but that wasn’t the reason for his unexpected breakdown.
Bones touched his own throat, raising his eyebrows to ask a question he already knew the answer to. Jim nodded, and Bones shook his head, fervently.
It wasn’t your fault, he wished he could say. But that was stupid, because if he could say anything, anything at all, he wouldn’t need to - Jim wouldn’t think he had anything to be sorry for.
Jim’s face crumpled and his head dropped to his knees again, Bones’ pathetic attempt at silent comfort apparently doing more harm than good. His heart breaking, Bones reached into a pocket for his PADD.
--Not your fault.-- He typed onto the screen. Giving Jim’s shoulder a gentle shake, he shoved the device in front of Jim’s wary face.
“Not my-” Jim gaped. “Of course it’s my fault. Fuck. You put your career on the line sneaking me aboard the Enterprise and this is how I thank you? By getting you strangled almost to fucking death?”
Bones shook his head again, willing Jim to try and listen, to believe. He typed again. --Had to be done.--
“By me,” Jim said, running the back of his hand roughly over his cheeks. “I was supposed to provoke Spock, not you. He was supposed to attack me, not you.” Jim dropped his hand, staring at him fiercely. “Why did you do it? I had it under control. He was about to go for me - but then you jumped in and said all that about how pathetic he was for not keeping his temper and you must have known what was going to happen, so why?” Jim practically moaned the last word.
Bones fumbled at the keys of his communicator, wishing he were a better typist or, failing that, that he could curse. --Knew what you were doing. You needed to control the ship. Only way to get Spock to step down.--
“But Bones,” Jim said, tears running down the side of his nose, “you should have just let him attack me. That was the plan. It might have been different, he might not have broken-”
Bones raised hand for silence, frowning at Jim’s frustrated expression. Brows furrowed, he typed another message, more quickly this time, and shoved the comm at Jim, who pushed it away without looking. “No, Bones, there’s nothing-”
Bones slammed a fist into the ground. The carpeting absorbed most of the impact, but his point was clear, and Jim took the comm without another word.
--No one’s going to hurt you if I can stop it.--
Jim absolutely shattered, covering his face with his hands and breathing with choking gasps that ripped through Bones’ chest straight into his heart. The forgotten comm fell to the ground as he pulled Jim into his arms, holding him still and making the gentle, hushing sounds that were all he could produce.
“Sorry, I’m so sorry,” Jim choked out, over and over between sobs. At that moment, Bones would have walked into space without a suit if only he had the words and the voice to offer Jim any comfort. Instead, he had to make do with running a steady hand up and down Jim’s back, and willing Jim to understand through his touch and his silence that in all the things Bones felt for him, there was no anger.
After a time, Jim’s cries subsided to harsh breathing, and Bones, without dislodging him from his position against Bones’ chest, reached for the comm again.
He typed out his message slowly and carefully, knowing this was his opportunity to say his piece without interruption. Finally, when he’d arranged his words as carefully as he could, he closed Jim’s hand over the device.
Wordlessly, Jim turned his face away from Bones’ shoulder to read the screen.
--Jim. This was not your fault. This was not Spock’s fault. This was not my fault. It happened, Earth is safe, Nero is dead. I’ll get my voice back eventually. And yes, you might not have gotten hurt, but you might have. You could just as easily have died. And how do you think I’d feel if that happened, knowing I could have done something to stop it?
You’re the captain of the Enterprise, Jim. You’re always going to be facing danger. But I’m going to jump between it and you whenever I can. Get used to it.--
Jim dropped the comm to his lap, shaking his head. “Bones - I can’t. I just can’t-”
Bones tapped a finger to Jim’s lips to hush him. Jim’s eyes widened, and his mouth slammed shut with a nearly audible snap. Slowly, slowly, Bones traced Jim’s lower lip, then curled his hand to brush his knuckles over the scar on Jim’s cheek.
Jim closed his eyes, and Bones ran the pad of his thumb over the lids with infinite tenderness before brushing against the fringe of Jim’s eyelashes. Jim took an unsteady breath, and Bones moved his hand upward to graze along the ridge of his brow, then outward to the edge of his ear.
Finally, Bones’ hand settled, cupping Jim’s cheek. Jim’s eyes blinked open once, twice, then on the third time stayed wide, staring into Bones’ steady, patient gaze.
Jim opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again, and Bones could almost hear the stream of thoughts and questions running too fast behind his eyes.
Bones smiled, and this time, looking at eyes so blue they always remind him of clear water, it came easily, and he saw its reflection on Jim’s bemused face.
Jim, steady and himself again, leaned forward, bringing their mouths together and taking the last step in this odd dance that Bones had begun but could not finish. And wasn’t it strange, Bones thought, that now, without speaking, he’d been given the thing he’d wanted for so long but had never before been able to ask for.
Jim’s muffled sighs echoed through the empty room, and though Bones couldn’t copy the sound, he certainly shared the sentiment. After what felt like only moments but was probably much longer, they pulled apart.
Jim flashed his usual too-bright smile, and Bones braced himself for a joke or a jibe to break the tension. But Jim said nothing, just reached out to take Bones’ hand and place it lightly over his heart.
Bones locked his eyes on Jim’s, willing the man to read his gaze and understand all the things he suddenly wished he could say. Jim’s smile widened and he leaned forward, lips brushing Bones’ ear as he whispered. “Love you, too.”
Then, after running a thumb lightly over the corner of Bones’ blinding grin, Jim stood, pulling Bones with him to his feet. Dropping his hand, Jim turned and started quickly towards the door.
Bones stood still for a moment, until Jim made a small follow-me gesture over his shoulder. Then Bones started after him, covering the steps between them in a few quick strides. Without looking back, Jim extended a hand behind him. Bones took it, warmed by the thought that Jim knew exactly where their hands would meet.
---
As soon as he heard the hiss of the auditorium door, Jim knew the game was up. He didn’t even have a moment to compose himself before he heard the footsteps start in his direction.
He didn’t need to look, he felt Bones drop into place beside him. “Ah,” the too-familiar voice said off-handedly. “There you are, Jim.” As if Bones had happened across him on the quad, instead of using their strange connection to track him to the most obscure corner of campus. Ridiculous, but it still soothed him.
Jim knew if he looked at Bones, or opened his mouth to speak it would all be over, so he wrapped his arms tighter around his shins and willed himself to stillness.
He felt a gentle nudge against his shoulder, and the momentary distraction almost cost him his composure. He focused on keeping his breathing slow and even, counting each breath in and out.
Bones sighed, reaching into his pocket to retrieve the flask he carried mostly for show, these days. He tilted it back and forth in front of Jim’s face, as if Jim could be enticed by the prospect of losing even more of his control. Jim bit his tongue; Bones may be known for his vitriol, but it was Jim who wielded words like weapons, and he didn’t want to fight with Bones, not now.
“Talk to me, kid,” Bones said, and the sadness in his voice only strengthened Jim’s resolve. He absolutely would not speak, because the moment he opened his mouth he would beg, he would fall to the ground and offer Bones anything if only he’d go with him on the Enterprise. Bones was a soft touch, Jim knew, who may well resign himself to a lifetime of misery and fear because Jim was too fucked up to let him go be happy. He didn’t even know what frightened him more, the thought that Bones would ignore his pleading, or that he would accede to it.
Next to him, Bones growled. "For god's sake, Jim, I'm trying to help here. The least you could do is acknowledge my existence."
Jim winced. Bones had to go, now, before Jim said something both of them would regret. This was the perfect opening - Jim had a knack for saying things that made people want to leave him. Even so, the words almost didn’t come. “Fine, Bones, you’re there. Now fuck off.”
There was a brief silence during which Jim knew Bones was studying him. Finally, the man shifted and Jim braced himself, certain his heart would crack further with each step Bones took towards the door.
But Bones didn’t stand, just dropped a tentative arm around Jim’s shoulders. Jim took a startled breath, every muscle in his body strung with tension, hoping Bones would take the hint and let him loose, but he just pulled Jim more firmly against his side.
“Relax, kid,” Bones murmured, so gently. “It’s okay. It’s just me.”
That was all Jim could take. It was all he could do to stop himself from begging Bones not to leave him, he wasn’t strong enough to turn away from this momentary comfort. He felt himself relax into the warmth of the other man, the fabric of his uniform soft and rough under Jim’s cheek. Just this once, he told himself. Just this one time, he could let himself have this.
Pressed against Bones’ chest, Jim was surrounded by the smell of clean laundry and soap and just a hint of the earth that was so much a part of Bones. That was his undoing; he couldn’t remember another occasion he’d felt so entirely safe. It was too much, seeing what he was giving up now that he’d had it, and Jim knew it was about to cost him either his silence or his stillness.
He swallowed back the words, choking on the lump in his throat and it was over. Tears stung his eyes, sliding over scalding cheeks while he fought for breath, and fuck, who knew crying would hurt so much?
Though anyone else might have dropped him, Jim knew Bones never would, so he wasn’t surprised when the other man pulled Jim practically onto his lap, encircling him completely in his arms. Jim was done fighting; he leaned closer, wrapping his arms around Bones’ waist and sobbing so hard he wondered if it was possible to rip in half.
Bones made a tiny, broken sound and hushed him, one hand carding gently through his hair in a sweet gesture of affection that Jim, who thought he’d been caressed in every way possible, was completely unprepared for.
“Hey,” Bones whispered, low enough that Jim almost didn’t hear him over the sobs. “Hey, don’t cry, Jim. Don’t. Don’t you know it breaks my heart to see you like this? Why didn’t you come to me earlier if you were feelin’ bad? I’d take care of you, if you let me. Why don’t you ever let me? God, I love you so much, Jim, you must know that. All I want to do is lock you up in our room and watch you and make sure nothing hurts you ever again.”
Jim let the words wash over him, filling every crack and broken place inside him with something warm and bright. He knew Bones probably wasn’t registering what he was saying - the man had a tendency to get lost in his own head, and the words had that distant tone that told him Bones’ thoughts were elsewhere. But he also knew that these weren’t things Bones would say if he didn’t absolutely mean them, heart and soul, and Jim was going to keep every promise and endearment for the days ahead, to fill the void of Bones’ absence.
Sobs receding, Jim let himself get lost in Bones’ voice, knowing he would never forget a word of this strange and wonderful confession. “You’re the only man I’d follow into space, fuck, I’d follow you straight into Hell. You’d probably lead me there, too, but you’d get us both back out again. I trust you, so you’re gonna have to start trusting me. Because you’re absolutely stuck with me, Jim - I’m gonna follow you around for the rest of my life, because the thought of watching you fly away from me breaks my fucking heart.”
And trust Bones to know how to fix everything, because that, that was what Jim needed to hear. Bones was going to stay. He was going to stay on the Enterprise and be Jim’s CMO because he loved Jim even more than he hated space, and so much more than Jim deserved.
Jim gave a final, ragged gasp, and then was quiet. They stayed like that for a long time; Jim had no inclination to disentangle himself from Bones, who in turn seemed to be in no hurry to let him go.
Finally, he knew he had to either say something, or let the moment pass. “I’m in love with you too, Bones,” he said, wishing he was in a position to see Bones’ face.
Bones seemed to sag with relief, and then stiffen, Jim’s words apparently having caught up with him. “I - you - what?”
And Jim, who could envision Bones’ wide-eyed confusion as clearly as he could his own face, laughed. “I said, ‘I’m in love with you too, Bones.’”
Bones shoved Jim roughly off his lap. “What makes you so goddamn sure I’m in love with you?”
His face was exactly as Jim had pictured it, and Jim laughed again. "Well, for one thing, you risked your career to sneak me onto the Enterprise. Kind of a clue there."
Bones pouted. "Jim, you risked your life to save the entire planet. Does that mean you're in love with everyone on earth?"
“That’s different,” Jim said with a wave of his hand. “I was just doing what was necessary. Anybody in my position would've done the same.”
Bones smiled, just a little bit. “That’s all I was doing too, kid, when I snuck you onboard,” he said, lying so badly that Jim resolved to give him lessons on the subject at some future point.
"Bones, you're a terrible liar. But fine, if you want to play it that way, there's also the fact that you actually looked for me and found me and held me while I cried like a little baby. That's some dedication right there." Jim flushed. Bones would probably have the grace to let him live this incident down, but that didn’t mean Jim wasn’t a little embarrassed.
"Jim, anyone would've had a stress breakdown after what you've been through. It's a completely normal psychological reaction. I'd be a pretty poor doctor and a poorer friend if I didn't try to do something about it."
Jim smiled. Trust Bones to make this difficult even after he’d already done the hard part. "Okay, Bones, if you want to be stubborn, there's also the fact that for the last ten minutes you've been murmuring in my ear about how much you love me and want to take care of me and can't live without me and stuff."
Bones froze, mouth agape, and then rallied, bracing himself as if he were about to make a dramatic pronouncement that he hadn’t quite thought of yet. Jim smiled at his expression; Bones’ face was flushed red, and his eyes wide with panic, and that was all right. Bones had brought them this far, Jim could take them the rest of the way.
He tipped his head up, closed his eyes, and kissed Bones, trying to put his whole self into it, everything he felt and hoped and wanted but had been too afraid to ask for. He deepened the kiss, thinking of late night conversations and shared dinners and friendly arguments that lasted longer than they should have because both sides were simply having fun. He thought of all the times Bones had patched him up, scolding him gently enough to remind Jim that he was cared for, healing Jim’s body as well as his spirit.
Finally, finally, Bones leaned into the kiss, grasping Jim by the shoulders and pulling him fiercely closer. Jim reached out, grabbing at Bones’ arms, his back, grasping for purchase and fumbling for something to hold on to.
As if he could sense Jim’s desperation, and hell, he probably could, Bones moaned, rocking forward and lowering Jim gently to the floor. Jim relaxed as Bones hovered over him, making himself a shield between Jim and the world.
This was it, Jim thought, this was the future, the thing he’d needed even before he’d known enough to want it. He was never going to let go now - Bones was his, and he was Bones’, and it was them against a universe that was apparently not as cruel as Jim had previously believed.
The kiss wound down, and Jim pulled away with a final press of his lips against the corner of Bones’ mouth. “Wow, Bones, if I’d known you were that good of a kisser, I’d have done that ages ago.”
Bones’ voice was stern, but the corners of his lips quirked. "No, you wouldn't have. You were too busy having sex with everything that moves to look twice at me. And you needed to get that out of your system. Because, Jim," Bones stared at him, suddenly intent, "I don't share. I mean it."
Gripping Jim firmly by the shoulders, he pulled him into another kiss. Jim gave himself up to it, welcoming Bones into his mouth and letting Bones wrap him up tightly in his arms, as if Jim might try to escape again. As if he could go anywhere without Bones at his back.
Bones pulled back with a smile, leaning forward to murmur into his ear. "Now that you're mine, kid,” Jim shivered again at the thought of it: his, “we've got a lot of lost time to make up for, so what do you say we go back to our room and start on that?"
“You think you can keep up, old man?” Jim said, grinning wickedly as Bones’ eyes glazed. He jumped to his feet, letting out a whoop of joy and triumph. Sprinting towards the door with a spring in his step, Jim smiled, certain and steadied by the knowledge that Bones was behind him.