i don't know anymore
I use those words way too much.
I'm not in the best mood right now which is unusual for the past two months. It's probably my own fault, I'm probably making this all up. But...........I cannot tell for the life of me if Aaron is really interested. I'm beginning to think that Kate lied or exaggerated when she told me he had told her that I was "the most amazing girl he'd met here" or something like that that's just so uncharacteristic of him. I don't know. And I saw him with Ben today and I told Ben, I haven't seen you in a ridiculously long time and he said Yeah but didn't really look at me and it made me sad. I'll go call on him later but I don't know. I have no energy today. I'm just so sad that Aaron said kissing was a game, that he can't think of it seriously, I had an empty dream that he liked me and it was special and now I have no idea, he's fun to be around but I really need someone to connect with and I can't keep going back and forth between the surface and my dreams when I'm with him, we always return to the surface and it's fun to joke, but if that's all it is and all it will be I might as well start looking for someone else. And stop kissing him. I gave him no kisses yesterday, it was a conscious decision and I think he noticed possibly which pleases me. I did tell him I was uncomfortable with him making fun of kissing, calling attention to the fact that he didn't take it seriously, and he said do you think it's this sacred thing? And I said no....But what I believe is that it should be special. Shouldn't it? Why would you kiss someone if it wasn't special?
Lonely now. I have to see Maggie and Ben more but last time I saw them they just kind of stared at me, I don't know what's going on but especially with Ben it really seems like he doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know what's going on.
I'm not in the best mood right now which is unusual for the past two months. It's probably my own fault, I'm probably making this all up. But...........I cannot tell for the life of me if Aaron is really interested. I'm beginning to think that Kate lied or exaggerated when she told me he had told her that I was "the most amazing girl he'd met here" or something like that that's just so uncharacteristic of him. I don't know. And I saw him with Ben today and I told Ben, I haven't seen you in a ridiculously long time and he said Yeah but didn't really look at me and it made me sad. I'll go call on him later but I don't know. I have no energy today. I'm just so sad that Aaron said kissing was a game, that he can't think of it seriously, I had an empty dream that he liked me and it was special and now I have no idea, he's fun to be around but I really need someone to connect with and I can't keep going back and forth between the surface and my dreams when I'm with him, we always return to the surface and it's fun to joke, but if that's all it is and all it will be I might as well start looking for someone else. And stop kissing him. I gave him no kisses yesterday, it was a conscious decision and I think he noticed possibly which pleases me. I did tell him I was uncomfortable with him making fun of kissing, calling attention to the fact that he didn't take it seriously, and he said do you think it's this sacred thing? And I said no....But what I believe is that it should be special. Shouldn't it? Why would you kiss someone if it wasn't special?
Lonely now. I have to see Maggie and Ben more but last time I saw them they just kind of stared at me, I don't know what's going on but especially with Ben it really seems like he doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know what's going on.