the ponderings of my heart
Wow. It completely amazes me to hear how God works so similarly yet differently in other people's lives. Okay, I know that made no sense. I'll elaborate...
This morning in chapel a beautiful old couple spoke. They are currently missionaries in Uganda, and have been for the past thirteen years. They felt the call of God on their lives to Africa when they were in their early twenties, but God had a unique path he wanted them to take before they could cross the ocean. For forty-five years they were ministering in the inner city in New Jersey in a city overtaken by the Russian mafia. They called it their 'graduate school', similar to the school Moses attended when he spent the forty years in Midian, shepherding his father-in-law's flock. Then, when they were in their seventies, God called them to go to Uganda, where they've been ministering ever since. God has royally blessed them and they have seen over 100,000 people come to Christ through their service to their King. Amazing.
Tonight I talked to a good friend that loves the Lord and loves music. He's most likely transferring next year to Berkley School of Music in Boston. This is sad for [H]ope, but an amazing realization of his dreams. But there's one nagging thought: he wants to serve the Lord somewhere, to do something beyond himself. And he's not sure how music will fit into that plan.
This all brings me to, well, me. As some of you know, these college years have been a constant discerning period. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life, but I want to do something huge for God. I have no idea where to go from here, if I'm in the right spot, or how this will all turn out. There are, however, a few things I do know:
~ I love science. I'm a complete science nerd. I've always loved science, always will.
~ I want to do something huge for God.
~ I dont want to live in the United States my entire life. I'm sick of US culture.
~ I want to make a difference on a personal level.
~ I have a passion for those in third world countries. I think that ending world hunger and major diseases is a calling of the Christian church the world over. Everyone should have access to daily food and water and basic medical care.
~ I have a passion for spreading the word of God. I believe that everyone should have access to the Word in their language, their mother tongue, the language of their heart.
~ I believe that the education barrier must be overcome. Literacy and basic life skills are vital to ending world hunger and pandemics such as AIDS.
~ I am not called to live a 'normal' life. I will never be satisfied with a good job, nice house, and 2.5 children. My heart is full of too much unrest to just settle down.
~ I dont need a husband to fulfill God's calling in my life. Dont get me wrong, I love guys and would love to be married someday. But if that's not God's plan, I'm okay with that too. I can be complete without marriage.
~ I believe in using what you have to help those less fortunate. This includes time, skills, talents, and passions as well as money. We all have something to give. We all are called to give what we have.
~ I dont believe I'm called to be rich, or even what many would consider 'comfortable'. Our financial comfort level stems from what we are used to. If we have our basic needs met, we can be habituated to desire very little in the way of money or possessions.
~ I love languages. Though I'm not very good at learning them right now with everything else that I've got going on, I believe I have been gifted with a knack for language. I would go so far as to say that it is a tragedy not to know more than one language fluently. Each person's own personal language speaks to them in a way that no other tongue can.
~ I believe in preserving native culture. Diversity is a good, nay a great, thing. We should be encouraging our differences instead of trying to westernize the world. Just because we are the majority does not mean we have it right.
So all this leaves me in quite a quandary. What am I to do with all of these strong opinions and passions? Why have I been gifted in these various areas if I'm not to use them?
In the perfect world that can exist only in my head, I would be a doctor by day, educator by evening, and Bible translator by candlelight. I wouldnt sleep, cause I wouldnt need it. I would devote all day every day to these three passions of mine.
Yet I know that I also need to feed my own soul. I know that relaxation and rest is a good thing. I know that personal relationships are necessary for human existence. I have an innate desire for intimacy. I dont really want to become a workaholic, too busy for friends or family. I love children and would love to have a family (though it scares me to death to think of having the responsibility raising a child).
So in the real world, here's my ideal: To become a doctor, form a close alliance with someone who is/ will be a Bible translator (perhaps marry), and move to an area in a third world country which no one has ever reached with either good medical care or the gospel in their language.
But I am afraid. No, that's not right. I am terrified.
I am scared that I will get caught up with work and success here and never leave the States. I am scared that I will 'fall in love' and get married and have kids and want to stay. I am afraid that Satan will convince me that I'm just not a person that God could use for something this amazing. I am terrified that God is going to ask more of me than I can give. I am scared that I will live out my days alone and cut off from everything but my work. I am scared that I will get cold feet and tell God "No" when he calls me to act. I am terrified that I already am stuck the wrong rut and I've missed the boat already. I am afraid that my current actions and way of life are keeping me from what God really wants for me.
Basically, I dont have enough faith right now. This is quite evident to me, especially lately. I've let the busyness of my schedule shroud my desire for God. I've let my relationship with Christ fall to the wayside in favor of my relationships with people. I'm giving in to the sin of complacency over and over again. Every week I tell myself things will be different, but by day three (or, usually, the evening of day one) things are back to 'normal': my spiritual rut where Christ is on my lips but not before my eyes, not the object of my desires and the focus of my vision.
I know this is long and not many of you have even finished it. I know you are too busy to take the time to read something this long. But even if you have skimmed and are only registering the beginning and the end, please do me a favor. Pray. Pray for me. Pray for yourselves. Pray for the ones you love. Pray that everyone in your life will seek God's plan for their present as well as their future. Pray that there will be no segregation in our lives between sacred and secular, academic and social, home and school. Pray that we will be whole people, living out what we feel inside. Pray that the masks will be removed, and that our hearts will seek Christ. Pray that our busyness will be for Christ and that we will never let anything in our schedule come before him.
Our Father, who art in heaven
Hallowed (holy, revered) be thy name
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread (and no more, lest we become fat and lazy, complacent)
And forgive us our debts (sins)
As we forgive those who sin against us (even if they have not repented and dont deserve it)
And lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil
For Thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory
Forevermore, Amen.
This morning in chapel a beautiful old couple spoke. They are currently missionaries in Uganda, and have been for the past thirteen years. They felt the call of God on their lives to Africa when they were in their early twenties, but God had a unique path he wanted them to take before they could cross the ocean. For forty-five years they were ministering in the inner city in New Jersey in a city overtaken by the Russian mafia. They called it their 'graduate school', similar to the school Moses attended when he spent the forty years in Midian, shepherding his father-in-law's flock. Then, when they were in their seventies, God called them to go to Uganda, where they've been ministering ever since. God has royally blessed them and they have seen over 100,000 people come to Christ through their service to their King. Amazing.
Tonight I talked to a good friend that loves the Lord and loves music. He's most likely transferring next year to Berkley School of Music in Boston. This is sad for [H]ope, but an amazing realization of his dreams. But there's one nagging thought: he wants to serve the Lord somewhere, to do something beyond himself. And he's not sure how music will fit into that plan.
This all brings me to, well, me. As some of you know, these college years have been a constant discerning period. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life, but I want to do something huge for God. I have no idea where to go from here, if I'm in the right spot, or how this will all turn out. There are, however, a few things I do know:
~ I love science. I'm a complete science nerd. I've always loved science, always will.
~ I want to do something huge for God.
~ I dont want to live in the United States my entire life. I'm sick of US culture.
~ I want to make a difference on a personal level.
~ I have a passion for those in third world countries. I think that ending world hunger and major diseases is a calling of the Christian church the world over. Everyone should have access to daily food and water and basic medical care.
~ I have a passion for spreading the word of God. I believe that everyone should have access to the Word in their language, their mother tongue, the language of their heart.
~ I believe that the education barrier must be overcome. Literacy and basic life skills are vital to ending world hunger and pandemics such as AIDS.
~ I am not called to live a 'normal' life. I will never be satisfied with a good job, nice house, and 2.5 children. My heart is full of too much unrest to just settle down.
~ I dont need a husband to fulfill God's calling in my life. Dont get me wrong, I love guys and would love to be married someday. But if that's not God's plan, I'm okay with that too. I can be complete without marriage.
~ I believe in using what you have to help those less fortunate. This includes time, skills, talents, and passions as well as money. We all have something to give. We all are called to give what we have.
~ I dont believe I'm called to be rich, or even what many would consider 'comfortable'. Our financial comfort level stems from what we are used to. If we have our basic needs met, we can be habituated to desire very little in the way of money or possessions.
~ I love languages. Though I'm not very good at learning them right now with everything else that I've got going on, I believe I have been gifted with a knack for language. I would go so far as to say that it is a tragedy not to know more than one language fluently. Each person's own personal language speaks to them in a way that no other tongue can.
~ I believe in preserving native culture. Diversity is a good, nay a great, thing. We should be encouraging our differences instead of trying to westernize the world. Just because we are the majority does not mean we have it right.
So all this leaves me in quite a quandary. What am I to do with all of these strong opinions and passions? Why have I been gifted in these various areas if I'm not to use them?
In the perfect world that can exist only in my head, I would be a doctor by day, educator by evening, and Bible translator by candlelight. I wouldnt sleep, cause I wouldnt need it. I would devote all day every day to these three passions of mine.
Yet I know that I also need to feed my own soul. I know that relaxation and rest is a good thing. I know that personal relationships are necessary for human existence. I have an innate desire for intimacy. I dont really want to become a workaholic, too busy for friends or family. I love children and would love to have a family (though it scares me to death to think of having the responsibility raising a child).
So in the real world, here's my ideal: To become a doctor, form a close alliance with someone who is/ will be a Bible translator (perhaps marry), and move to an area in a third world country which no one has ever reached with either good medical care or the gospel in their language.
But I am afraid. No, that's not right. I am terrified.
I am scared that I will get caught up with work and success here and never leave the States. I am scared that I will 'fall in love' and get married and have kids and want to stay. I am afraid that Satan will convince me that I'm just not a person that God could use for something this amazing. I am terrified that God is going to ask more of me than I can give. I am scared that I will live out my days alone and cut off from everything but my work. I am scared that I will get cold feet and tell God "No" when he calls me to act. I am terrified that I already am stuck the wrong rut and I've missed the boat already. I am afraid that my current actions and way of life are keeping me from what God really wants for me.
Basically, I dont have enough faith right now. This is quite evident to me, especially lately. I've let the busyness of my schedule shroud my desire for God. I've let my relationship with Christ fall to the wayside in favor of my relationships with people. I'm giving in to the sin of complacency over and over again. Every week I tell myself things will be different, but by day three (or, usually, the evening of day one) things are back to 'normal': my spiritual rut where Christ is on my lips but not before my eyes, not the object of my desires and the focus of my vision.
I know this is long and not many of you have even finished it. I know you are too busy to take the time to read something this long. But even if you have skimmed and are only registering the beginning and the end, please do me a favor. Pray. Pray for me. Pray for yourselves. Pray for the ones you love. Pray that everyone in your life will seek God's plan for their present as well as their future. Pray that there will be no segregation in our lives between sacred and secular, academic and social, home and school. Pray that we will be whole people, living out what we feel inside. Pray that the masks will be removed, and that our hearts will seek Christ. Pray that our busyness will be for Christ and that we will never let anything in our schedule come before him.
Our Father, who art in heaven
Hallowed (holy, revered) be thy name
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread (and no more, lest we become fat and lazy, complacent)
And forgive us our debts (sins)
As we forgive those who sin against us (even if they have not repented and dont deserve it)
And lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil
For Thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory
Forevermore, Amen.