Empty Bliss
Things have fallen apart a bit. A lot, to me. I'm in a situation I never thought I would be in, that I'm ashamed of. What's terrible is that if a friend was in my situation I would totally understand and be supportive, but I don't even want to share my situation because I'm ashamed of it. I wish I could come with another descriptive word better than "ashamed," but that's all I can think right now.
I'm really trying to get it all taken care of, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just...am kind of disappointed in myself. I don't like to make excuses for my behavior, but I know it's not me to do some of the things I've been doing lately...well...not even just lately...for the last two years. But I guess I just attributed last year to being a bad year, all around. Honestly. The reality sets in now that I have no trigger to blame this on. It's just me, something in me that hates me so much that I sabotage myself.
It sucks.
But, I am, like I said, trying to get a hold of things. I'm trying to be really brutally honest with myself for the first time in...maybe ever. And I think that is helping. I can't say it's not hard, but I think I'll make it out okay, maybe even great.
I'm really trying to get it all taken care of, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just...am kind of disappointed in myself. I don't like to make excuses for my behavior, but I know it's not me to do some of the things I've been doing lately...well...not even just lately...for the last two years. But I guess I just attributed last year to being a bad year, all around. Honestly. The reality sets in now that I have no trigger to blame this on. It's just me, something in me that hates me so much that I sabotage myself.
It sucks.
But, I am, like I said, trying to get a hold of things. I'm trying to be really brutally honest with myself for the first time in...maybe ever. And I think that is helping. I can't say it's not hard, but I think I'll make it out okay, maybe even great.