(no subject)

[lindseymichaela]

i havent updated in FOREVER. honestly i am not really sure why I am now. It is 2 in the morning and I just feel like I have a lot on my mind. I have been thinking a lot lately. i have been disappointed. i think because things arent as i expected they would be when i returned from turkey. before i left the rotarians told me...sometimes when kids get back from exchange and go to highschool, it is weird for them and they dont get along with the kids they used to. I feel like I dont have any close friends at all. I have lots of people who I consider myself friends with, but if i were to never see them again, i wouldnt be hurt. I feel like they dont know me, know what I have been through, understand me. I feel very alone and I am starting to contemplate: I was partly happy in turkey. I had lots of friends who i became sooo close with. But there was something missing. I thought that would go away when I returned to the good ol US of A and I would bounce back into my normal routine and be an average senior in high school. In reality I cant stand school and senior year isnt turning out to be everything its cracked up to be. Im not having the fun I wish I could be and I dont know how to change it. Also I am currently applying to college and it is making me seriously consider my future plans. I am afraid college isnt going to be everything I want it to be and it will be another four years of agonizing pain.

Just as bette middler says: a beautiful smile to hide the pain

i guess thats all you can do