As optimism subsides...
I had a great start to New Years. Had an amazing date, who all my friends liked; got to spend time with Jamie, drink with friends...
So much better than last year. I was so happy. I felt so optimistic about this year.
I came to find out just about an hour ago that yet another one of my ex's is engaged.
And it's the one person I just can't bare to let go of.
If someone had told me "oh he's engaged now" I don't think I would be so upset. I still would've been pretty shocked, but somehow I would've been better off. Instead, I saw the pictures. More tears have been pouring out of my eyes in the past hour than I have ever cried in my entire life. It was like a reflex... to see that ring on her finger; it brought back the night where I had a ring on my finger. It carried the same promise. Only hers is an engagement, it's real.. and mine is just a broken promise that lays in a jewelry box because I can't bare to look at it on my finger.
He talks to me rarely, probably twice a year now, and every time... it instills some small sense of hope within me. A hope that he'd someday come back. He'll always have a place in my heart, except now, where there was hope... there's just this overbearing emptiness. It will be a constant reminder of what I had and what will never be again.
I knew it would happen eventually... but I figured by the time it did happen, that I would be in a place in my life where I was content. To find that out right now, after disappointing my family, after disappointing myself, after having one of the worst years of my life...
I'm at a point where I just feel completely helpless. I don't believe in anything anymore. I don't believe in love. I don't believe in hope. I don't believe in fate. I used to think that everything happens for a reason... and now I'm convinced that everything just happens and somehow I will always come out on the bottom.
People tell me "You'll be okay, you'll get over it." They have no idea what I'm going through. "Things could be worse." Yeah... keep telling me that, because I'm sure they will get worse. They always do. And I'm almost positive that I won't be ready for any of it despite the fact that I just expect this kind of shit.
I haven't been truly happy in a long time. Sure I can have fun, sure I can wear a smile on my face for awhile... that doesn't mean I'm happy. Maybe happiness just isn't in the cards for me. Success isn't, either.
I've lived, I've loved, I've laughed, I've been happy... I've tried to be a good person. I guess the only thing to do now is just go through the motions, day to day, and wait to die.
So much better than last year. I was so happy. I felt so optimistic about this year.
I came to find out just about an hour ago that yet another one of my ex's is engaged.
And it's the one person I just can't bare to let go of.
If someone had told me "oh he's engaged now" I don't think I would be so upset. I still would've been pretty shocked, but somehow I would've been better off. Instead, I saw the pictures. More tears have been pouring out of my eyes in the past hour than I have ever cried in my entire life. It was like a reflex... to see that ring on her finger; it brought back the night where I had a ring on my finger. It carried the same promise. Only hers is an engagement, it's real.. and mine is just a broken promise that lays in a jewelry box because I can't bare to look at it on my finger.
He talks to me rarely, probably twice a year now, and every time... it instills some small sense of hope within me. A hope that he'd someday come back. He'll always have a place in my heart, except now, where there was hope... there's just this overbearing emptiness. It will be a constant reminder of what I had and what will never be again.
I knew it would happen eventually... but I figured by the time it did happen, that I would be in a place in my life where I was content. To find that out right now, after disappointing my family, after disappointing myself, after having one of the worst years of my life...
I'm at a point where I just feel completely helpless. I don't believe in anything anymore. I don't believe in love. I don't believe in hope. I don't believe in fate. I used to think that everything happens for a reason... and now I'm convinced that everything just happens and somehow I will always come out on the bottom.
People tell me "You'll be okay, you'll get over it." They have no idea what I'm going through. "Things could be worse." Yeah... keep telling me that, because I'm sure they will get worse. They always do. And I'm almost positive that I won't be ready for any of it despite the fact that I just expect this kind of shit.
I haven't been truly happy in a long time. Sure I can have fun, sure I can wear a smile on my face for awhile... that doesn't mean I'm happy. Maybe happiness just isn't in the cards for me. Success isn't, either.
I've lived, I've loved, I've laughed, I've been happy... I've tried to be a good person. I guess the only thing to do now is just go through the motions, day to day, and wait to die.