???wtf??
I'm just sitting here at the computer... I'm awake, I'm tired, I'm calm, I'm outraged, thinking of one million things at once. I'm feeling needy. I'ts like wtf am i doing here? sitting at this computer, staring blankly, occasionally blinking my eyes... Am i WAITING for something to happen? No, really.
I keep feeling this surge of emotion washing over my brain throughout my days. One minute, I feel extremely vulnerable and completely focused on worldly things... and the next such peace and relaxation, not a care in the world. I have to keep reminding myself that "things" will never really matter someday. When i'm dead it won't matter if i ever owned a Louis Vuitton bag, or a Chanel jacket. It won't matter how much money I made, or whether or not my 401k was big enough to support biannual vacations, or if i owned a cadillac. Its so hard to get away from that thinking.
And its so hard to get away from the thinking that we young adults need to do everthing in the way that society does it... and at the time that "everybody else" is doing things. Today I ran into a friend and we were talking about college, and i mentioned what my sister is doing, and how I envy her "knowledge" of how her own college and career path will be, mapping out every step of the way. And she replied something like "will she not let God interfere with that?" WOW... it's like, wow. I love getting a wake-up call sometimes. I dont think that God's plan is anything like our own. That's something that I've been struggling with. I feel vernerable ALL the time, even when I THINK I know what I'm doing. I keep realizing OVER and OVER that I'm SO wrong about everything that I think will be "fine." I'm NOT fine. I need to trust in God to lead me, because I'm feeling really hopeless right now. It's just like that song "Rebel Without a Clue" (by tom petty and the heartbreakers); that's how I feel when I'm rebelling against God. I'm determined to figure out what heck God has planned for me on this earth, cause i sure as hell don't know.
I keep feeling this surge of emotion washing over my brain throughout my days. One minute, I feel extremely vulnerable and completely focused on worldly things... and the next such peace and relaxation, not a care in the world. I have to keep reminding myself that "things" will never really matter someday. When i'm dead it won't matter if i ever owned a Louis Vuitton bag, or a Chanel jacket. It won't matter how much money I made, or whether or not my 401k was big enough to support biannual vacations, or if i owned a cadillac. Its so hard to get away from that thinking.
And its so hard to get away from the thinking that we young adults need to do everthing in the way that society does it... and at the time that "everybody else" is doing things. Today I ran into a friend and we were talking about college, and i mentioned what my sister is doing, and how I envy her "knowledge" of how her own college and career path will be, mapping out every step of the way. And she replied something like "will she not let God interfere with that?" WOW... it's like, wow. I love getting a wake-up call sometimes. I dont think that God's plan is anything like our own. That's something that I've been struggling with. I feel vernerable ALL the time, even when I THINK I know what I'm doing. I keep realizing OVER and OVER that I'm SO wrong about everything that I think will be "fine." I'm NOT fine. I need to trust in God to lead me, because I'm feeling really hopeless right now. It's just like that song "Rebel Without a Clue" (by tom petty and the heartbreakers); that's how I feel when I'm rebelling against God. I'm determined to figure out what heck God has planned for me on this earth, cause i sure as hell don't know.