Emotionless
Im starting to realize what a hateful, "fuck you", emotionless person Im becoming. Ive been fucked over, hurt, dropped, and used so much over the last year that I have become a cold, hateful person. Last night Mike was like "you must be on anti-anxiety drugs. No one just 'doesnt care' about anything the way you do" and the thing is, I'M NOT on any medication. Ive just learned how to shut my feelings off seeing as I know so many selfish people who've fucked me over. I just dont CARE anymore. Im the least caring person I know. Im not saying this because Im proud of my ability to not give a shit... Im saying that this is what happens to someone when they are treated this way for so long. People SAY they care, and people make promises and apologize... but in reality - you can only hear the words "Im sorry" so many times before it means nothing to you anymore... You can only trust people so much before they've let you down enough times that their words no longer mean anything to you.... People can promise you the sun and the moon a hundred times over, but if they never follow thru - then those promises also mean nothing. It all sounds good, and looks good until you can start to read thru the lines. Maybe Ive just been one of those unlucky souls who has yet to meet the right people? I dont even fucking know anymore. I am so envious of people who have all these amazing friends, amazing marriages, huge wonderful families.... Don't get me wrong, I dont want the perfect life. I realize that that is virtually impossible. I just want a remotely normal, happy life. I want the friends who follow thru and who you can rely on. I want the family who is supportive and loving. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel special.. even if just once in a great while. I want to be happy, and at this point I dont even remember what "happiness" feel like.... At this point, I feel as if Im watching my life slip away from me right before my own eyes....