20 May 2013
I'm adding this to the top after I write what is below. I realized what is going on with me! I'm feeling my feelings! I must be in a really safe place. I am working on being authentic. Being where I am.
The last couple of days I've felt so much disparity. I am thinking it is because I'm working through things and that I've broken out if my shell of disassociation :) This is good.
The last few days I've stopped putting all the tremendous pressure on myself. Even though Mom HAS changed and Dad is dead, it is alive inside of me. Ahhhh! Break through!!!
Journaling is the best!
I see my shrink today. I pretty much have PTSD all day at the thought of sitting in that little, dark room with a man who is digging inside me. He is a nice guy, but not really a shrink. He is a MD who prescribes meds. What do I say? I am not doing well, but I'm afraid to change meds. It will go okay. I just need to tell myself that doc is not my dad and nothing bad will happen.
Last time we met in someone else's office. It was bright and had a window and I was able to sit between him and the door. It helped so much! My therapist much have made a note in my file and Dr. must have read it LOL ! I'm glad they are taking care if me ... or it was all a big coincidence. Either way it was a good thing!
Yesterday I had no hope. Today I can see the crack of light.