dealing with anxiety, expectations, and wanting to pick up
I just came back from the post office and as I was coming up the hill the self talk started in. I'm experiencing a lot of anxiety because I did not do much today. Because of my background I am never, ever satisfied with myself or what I do or don't do ... and I always think that there is something that I could have done better. It isn't how I REALLY feel but it is what my old tapes say. What I did today was spend a lot of time analyzing what it would take for me to finish Lesson Three in my herbalism class, talk to my teacher, make a new plan of attack (I need to step back and do a series of lessons that are at a lower level than what I am on in the class) and then I spent time getting everything together and on my iPod so I can take to to the other computer and print it out. It has taken a very large load off of my shoulders but all at the same time I feel like I'm not doing what I am supposed to be doing. this causes me to have anxiety and start to have bad self talk and then I want to numb these feelings by eating something to make myself feel better. I was at the kitchen starting to hunt for something to make me feel better. I caught what I was doing and turned and walked away.
I'm glad to find out that this serenity that I feel lately isn't pink cloud. That is a relief. I never felt like that this time but what I just went through tells me that for sure. That's good because pink cloud is not real. This is real. I handled this well.
Now, I need to think this all through. I am doing the very best I can. THE very BEST. Yesterday I took care of mom and David all day and today I did something so very important for myself. It is not only okay to do that but it is GOOD to do this! I was taking care of a monkey on my back that I have been putting off because I was afraid to deal with it.
I have had a lot of anxiety about taking this class. I did not do well in school and it is very hard for me. Like the other day when I had that writing job I kept wanting to say "I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this" ... like I usually do. With my class I figured a way around all of this and I'm going to be okay now. There are some hands on experiments that I can do to get an idea about how things work so I can understand a great deal of the termenology. The reason i took a self paced class is because I knew I was going to have these problems. If I have to pay YET more money it will be okay because God will supply the money like He always does. It will all be okay. And through doing all of this not only will I learn but I will also learn to conquer these demons that I have that hold me back!!!
I have time to get a lot of my work done before dark. It is okay. There is plenty of time if I go and stick to it! One job at a time and I'll be okay. I can do this. No bad self talk :))
It is all going to be okay. Just live in the moment. Right now I'm taking care of myself. then I'll go outside and do evening chores. Then I'll figure out what the next thing to do is. It will be okay. It always all works out in the end, especially since I'm putting it in my Higher Power's hands.
I also have anxiety about some things I posted on a loop I am on. I did not get feedback and I'm worried that I came off in the wrong way. Maybe I was preachy? Or? I don't know. It is okay. It does not matter. I'll go back in a day or two and look at what I wrote and if I need to make amends I will.
Also, another community I belong to ... my problems with my Poppi have been front and center ... I feel embarrassed and I'm going to back off for a while so they can talk about something else. I seem to have a way of making everything about me and I really do not like that about myself. I'm working SO hard to stop and then it happens. I don't know what else to do, so I'll be quiet for a while and just respond off list and hope that they start to converse again.
Mom and I were having trouble communicating earlier today and lately. I think it is because we have just spent too much time together. I need to realize that I get lost in my head and also she is older now and does not change gears as well as I do. I need to be patient. I need to STOP and be honest with myself so that I don't start playing self pity games and tell myself lies.
I think I'm going to be okay now. I'm glad I did not pick up.
The beautiful part of all of this is that I have not wanted to numb myself lately, except for just now. It is going to be okay.
I'm glad to find out that this serenity that I feel lately isn't pink cloud. That is a relief. I never felt like that this time but what I just went through tells me that for sure. That's good because pink cloud is not real. This is real. I handled this well.
Now, I need to think this all through. I am doing the very best I can. THE very BEST. Yesterday I took care of mom and David all day and today I did something so very important for myself. It is not only okay to do that but it is GOOD to do this! I was taking care of a monkey on my back that I have been putting off because I was afraid to deal with it.
I have had a lot of anxiety about taking this class. I did not do well in school and it is very hard for me. Like the other day when I had that writing job I kept wanting to say "I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this" ... like I usually do. With my class I figured a way around all of this and I'm going to be okay now. There are some hands on experiments that I can do to get an idea about how things work so I can understand a great deal of the termenology. The reason i took a self paced class is because I knew I was going to have these problems. If I have to pay YET more money it will be okay because God will supply the money like He always does. It will all be okay. And through doing all of this not only will I learn but I will also learn to conquer these demons that I have that hold me back!!!
I have time to get a lot of my work done before dark. It is okay. There is plenty of time if I go and stick to it! One job at a time and I'll be okay. I can do this. No bad self talk :))
It is all going to be okay. Just live in the moment. Right now I'm taking care of myself. then I'll go outside and do evening chores. Then I'll figure out what the next thing to do is. It will be okay. It always all works out in the end, especially since I'm putting it in my Higher Power's hands.
I also have anxiety about some things I posted on a loop I am on. I did not get feedback and I'm worried that I came off in the wrong way. Maybe I was preachy? Or? I don't know. It is okay. It does not matter. I'll go back in a day or two and look at what I wrote and if I need to make amends I will.
Also, another community I belong to ... my problems with my Poppi have been front and center ... I feel embarrassed and I'm going to back off for a while so they can talk about something else. I seem to have a way of making everything about me and I really do not like that about myself. I'm working SO hard to stop and then it happens. I don't know what else to do, so I'll be quiet for a while and just respond off list and hope that they start to converse again.
Mom and I were having trouble communicating earlier today and lately. I think it is because we have just spent too much time together. I need to realize that I get lost in my head and also she is older now and does not change gears as well as I do. I need to be patient. I need to STOP and be honest with myself so that I don't start playing self pity games and tell myself lies.
I think I'm going to be okay now. I'm glad I did not pick up.
The beautiful part of all of this is that I have not wanted to numb myself lately, except for just now. It is going to be okay.