Oct 18, 2005 15:01
I need to somehow de-lazify myself. Or find some motivation. There are things I want to do. And things I know I should do. But somehow, I can't bring myself to do them. It just never seems like it's worth the effort.
I could do laundry. Finally. But that costs money and it's raining and laundry just sucks. I could wash the dishes, but that would mean standing in front of a sink with water dripping up and down my arms (How does something drip up?), and I hate washing dishes. And I really had hoped to get into a routine of washing the things I dirty, but you leave something somewhere once, and it makes you feel like it's okay to leave dishes around and you're back where you started.
Even for things that I really do want to do, like start exercising and go to Costco so we can cook at home more, just too much effort! All of it! But then I look at by disproportionately large tummy in comparison to my itty bitty arms and legs, and get mad at myself for being so lazy. And all the crafting supplies that are slowly building up around my ears for all the projects that I want to do, but never bring myself to doing because I'm just too tired or busy or unhappy or LAZY to do any of it. And I want to do them. But I don't want to do them. I think I'm starting to like the thought that I could do them, at any given moment. But that only means that I'm not going to. At least, not today.
Or saying to myself, "Today I'll call Paige. I haven't talked to Paige in a long time. Paige has been a good friend over the years. It'll be nice to hear from her. Call Paige." And then I never call her. I forget and forget and keep on forgetting because I have a horrible memory, but more urgently, I hate phones. I hate calling people on the phone, I hate dialing a number and not knowing what I'll say, I hate wondering whether I'll have to leave a message which will no doubt be long and rambling and make no sense whatsoever.
I could blame it on society, which gives us computer games and movies and TV, and makes it so easy for us to sit for hours upon hours upon hours, then sleep, then sit for more hours the next day. I could blame it on Martha Stewart (which is somehow highly addicting) or Alton Brown (though I've seen nearly every episode already) or Jenny McCarthy for bringing me "101 Craziest TV Moments."
But it's not society's fault and it's not Martha Stewart's fault. (And I could never blame Alton Brown.) It's my fault for being lazy and letting myself sit and sit and sit all day. It's my fault for thinking that my life now is any more tiring or worthy of self-pity than it was a year and a half ago. It's different, surely. But I can have as much energy now as I did then. Things are not so different.
I won't say that I'll change from this moment on. I won't say I'll cook a fabulous dinner when I get home and sort the laundry and clear off the dinner table. In all honesty, I probably won't. But I'll try to cook and I'll try to wash the dishes. I think that's a good goal for tonight.