Don't Say No. Don't Fight.
I don't - How am I supposed to feel? I feel like it's my fault. But I still want to punch his face in. I feel like i should forgive him. I can't ask Nathrae. Nathrae freaked out just as bad. It's wrong. It doesn't make sense.
I don't see what good writing it down is going to make. What do I do, relive it? Talk about how it hurt, in my back, my neck, how I couldn't breathe, my throat hurt, everything was going dark and I knew that i was going to die, he was going to kill me and I couldn't do nothing, it was my fault, I should have known better than to go with him, my instincts failed me and I was paying for it, this is what I get for wanting the wrong shit I want, because Takeli taught me to want--
I don't want to fucking talk about Takeli. Fuck him. No don't fuck him. Rotten son of a bitch. I hate him. I hate everything about him. I hate everything he made me do and I hate that I miss him curled around my back in bed the very fucking most of all of it. I hate what he made me.
But I don't. Because it doesn't feel right without that edge. But that's WRONG. It should be like I told Vii. It should be beautiful. But it isn't beautiful if i don't hurt. It isn't beautiful if he doesn't put me in my place. It isn't beautiful if he doesn't understand what I am.
But Kae knew exactly what I am, didn't he? He knew and that's how he used me and too bad if I didn't like it. But that's not right either, because --
Fuck, fucking hell. He had no right! Not for any of it! He had no right to follow us, no right to corner me, no right to come back into my LIFE and tell me that he was going to make me watch while he did it to Nathrae. That did it. I freaked out. I knew i couldn't fight him, not just because you can't fight back, but because I wouldn't win and he'd just do it to Nathrae after he'd killed me anyway. Shit, that might have made it more exciting. But not Nathrae. not him. I couldn't let him feel that--
So I told him to do it to me. So Nathrae could run, to get away. I told him that I never told anyone about what he did, promised that we wouldn't tell, that Nathrae wouldn't tell, and Nathrae was trying to calm me down - because he didn't know, how could he? I never told him.
I didn't tell anyone. Who would care? Some street trash caught a bad date? Who cares? That's just how it goes. No one cares.
But the look on his face, when he suddenly figured out what i meant, what i had to mean - like he was going to be sick. That shit eating grin crumbled right off his stupid face and he looked at me and saw me, not some trick with a bad attitude, saw that i was terrified of him, that he had scared me, hurt me, made me feel dirty, made me wonder why he let me live...
made me wish he hadn't.
"Why did you let me hurt you?" Like I could stop him? But I told him even though it was obvious. You don't tell a wolf no.You don't fight back. You *can't.* And Nathrae held me and Kae stood there and that look on his face...
Horror. Disgust. Agony. Loathing. But he hated himself, not me.
He didn't know that he was doing that to me. He should have known! How could he have known? I didn't tell him to stop and I didn't fight him. Because you don't do that! You don't say no. If you get more than you bargained for well you made a bad choice. I made a bad choice. My instincts failed me. But they didn't. I don't know! I told him that I liked it rough. I wanted to have fun. I should have said something, this isn't prison! But it happened so fast, I couldn't think didn't think couldn't do ANYTHING
Fucking pervert, this is my fault