[Fic] Not untwist these last strands of man

[lindentreeisle]

Title: Not untwist these last strands of man
Pairings: John/Sherlock
Rating: G
Warnings: mentions of depression
Beta: HiddenLacuna (thanks for helping sort out the ending, especially!)

Remix of: The Mind Has Mountains by Kate_lear. Kate_lear was one of the first authors I read in the fandom, and I've always admired and respected her work. It was

Comments

[natsuko1978]

As you know, love, I've been on both sides of this equation: looking at someone I love with Depression and latterly having it myself.

I think you've read most - if not all - of my posts on the subject of my own mental health, and that sense of Something Else - a demon, a second you - inhabiting you during periods of mental illness, Sherlock's animal rampaging about - all I can say is "Yes".

Depression is so far from "feeling depressed" that I wish we had another word for the clinical variety. Being "IN Depression" is to inhabit a state of mind and being that is at once both you and completely not you. I think I once described it as being a Buffy-vampire in game-face. (And just as destructive to others.) Other people cannot change the situation or even really help much. The best they can do is refuse to let you drive them away no matter how many times you tell them to sod off. And sometimes they can hold you - a bit like trying to hug a toddler in a tantrum because you might push them away... but like the toddler you need the reassurance that you CAN'T.

The most important thing a human can do is love someone when they are being "unloveable" and unlovely. IMO.

But I also know that powerlessness of being the person in a relationship with someone in Depression. Of being driven away, and having my head bitten off for saying "Good morning".

Though we see it through Sherlock's eyes, we see John's ability to be the quiet and calm that Sherlock lacks. And we can see that Mycroft and Mummy - and even Father and the psychologist, in their ways - TRIED.

Trouble is the demon cannot always be exorcised or defeated. Sometimes all you can do is learn to live with it.

GORGEOUS fic, love. *HUGS*

[lindentreeisle]

Thanks so much for the long and thoughtful comment! :) I really do appreciate it.

I can't really take credit for John's response to Sherlock, since that was drawn from the original story. This was mostly based on a single line where John wondered whether anyone ever stayed with Sherlock through his black moods- the clear implication being that John believes he was left alone to deal. I decided to build on that and explore how the people around Sherlock tried to help him, because I couldn't imagine that no one tried to help.

In that context it was easy to see Sherlock pushing people away. I think depression has that element of wanting to push people away with one hand and pull them closer with the other for a LOT of people. It's a combination of things- shame and not wanting people to see you weak and low, frustration with others' inability to help, etc. I think Sherlock's motives can be pretty easily extrapolated from how he responds to others' ineffectual attempts to assist him. I also think you're right about loving people when they're being unlovely- that's a great turn of phrase. (It's also why I love John so much for marching back upstairs and being there for Sherlock anyway.) I've never had to deal with being the loved one for the depressed person on a daily basis (I make that distinction because I suspect it's rather different from "being there" for someone online!) but I can imagine it's hard. About like helping someone who's grieving a death, except with a greater chance of getting your head bitten off?

Even if medication or therapy or whatever else works, you're still living with the demon- there's just different ways to cope. I think any way you manage to get yourself through, it's still a triumph. Did you read the poem I linked? I think I might have discussed it with you before, briefly. I just found it incredibly powerful in the message that surviving depression, existing through it, is a triumph in and of itself.