I feel horrible
Probably the whole Rights of Crime Victims thing is less about thinking the project is a bad idea than it is about the stress and my inability to cope with it. I need to talk to victims, and I will have to do it eventually. But it's not easy for me, I can't just do things like that. Katie and Amy are going to teach me how they interview victims and witnesses to prep their cases, and that's a little bit stressful, but I think I can cope with that. And maybe then, by the time I need to be able to interview victims of serious crime, I'll be ready to make the step up to that.
I don't remember if I've said before, but one of the most stressful things about working at the Daily Collegian was having to walk out on every story and talk to people. I had terrible phone anxiety, I could barely pick up a phone and talk to a stranger about a story, or a job, and just going out on the street and asking total strangers for their opinion was even harder. That was how we got input from students- stand out on an intersection and stop somebody and talk to them. It would take me like ten minutes to work up my nerve to ask someone for their opinion. I am better than I used to be, but the vestiges of that anxiety still remain and I can't help wondering if that's what's going on here.
Deciding to quit there was so fucking hard. I knew I couldn't cope with the stress, and I knew I didn't want this career if this was what it was going to cost me. But in addition to having a hard time shaking off what for 8 years I thought would be my future, I felt like such a quitter. I knew I had to quit. No, I didn't. The way it looked, it seemed like it would be best for me if I dropped off the staff, so I did, even though I wasn't sure and I tormented myself thinking about how I might be wrong and just too weak to do what I needed to do. It turned out I was right, that time, but the same feelings plague me now.
I feel totally overwhelemed. I feel like the stress I am putting on myself over this class is not worth the payoff, and I should get out now before it gets even worse in say, another 4 weeks, and it's way too late to do anything. But I also feel so very weak and ineffectual. I feel like, if I can't handle this, will I be able to handle the stress of working in law? If this is just a hurdle and I can't make myself jump it, I'm never going to go anywhere or accomplish anything. So I have this tremendous feeling of stress compounded with guilt and uncertainty. I'm sitting here crying and just shaking...I was crying this afternoon when I was trying to formulate why I was so stressed and figure out what I needed to do.
I still don't know. I don't know if this is what's best, I don't know if this will ease my stress or if this is just where all the pressure seems to be falling. I don't know how I am going to make it through this year. If it gets to February and I am still this depressed and anxious and stressed, with the way I always am in winter to begin with, I am not going to make it. Just everything feels so overwhelming that even the small things I am capable of doing towards my goals don't make a dent, and I end up sitting in my apartment doing nothing or I sit and cry. I need to stop taking benadryl every night but I feel like if I stop I'm going to go back to waking up every hour and a half and just spending the entire day exhausted...It feels like I'm just beyond even postponing thinking about this until tomorrow.
I just really don't know.
I don't remember if I've said before, but one of the most stressful things about working at the Daily Collegian was having to walk out on every story and talk to people. I had terrible phone anxiety, I could barely pick up a phone and talk to a stranger about a story, or a job, and just going out on the street and asking total strangers for their opinion was even harder. That was how we got input from students- stand out on an intersection and stop somebody and talk to them. It would take me like ten minutes to work up my nerve to ask someone for their opinion. I am better than I used to be, but the vestiges of that anxiety still remain and I can't help wondering if that's what's going on here.
Deciding to quit there was so fucking hard. I knew I couldn't cope with the stress, and I knew I didn't want this career if this was what it was going to cost me. But in addition to having a hard time shaking off what for 8 years I thought would be my future, I felt like such a quitter. I knew I had to quit. No, I didn't. The way it looked, it seemed like it would be best for me if I dropped off the staff, so I did, even though I wasn't sure and I tormented myself thinking about how I might be wrong and just too weak to do what I needed to do. It turned out I was right, that time, but the same feelings plague me now.
I feel totally overwhelemed. I feel like the stress I am putting on myself over this class is not worth the payoff, and I should get out now before it gets even worse in say, another 4 weeks, and it's way too late to do anything. But I also feel so very weak and ineffectual. I feel like, if I can't handle this, will I be able to handle the stress of working in law? If this is just a hurdle and I can't make myself jump it, I'm never going to go anywhere or accomplish anything. So I have this tremendous feeling of stress compounded with guilt and uncertainty. I'm sitting here crying and just shaking...I was crying this afternoon when I was trying to formulate why I was so stressed and figure out what I needed to do.
I still don't know. I don't know if this is what's best, I don't know if this will ease my stress or if this is just where all the pressure seems to be falling. I don't know how I am going to make it through this year. If it gets to February and I am still this depressed and anxious and stressed, with the way I always am in winter to begin with, I am not going to make it. Just everything feels so overwhelming that even the small things I am capable of doing towards my goals don't make a dent, and I end up sitting in my apartment doing nothing or I sit and cry. I need to stop taking benadryl every night but I feel like if I stop I'm going to go back to waking up every hour and a half and just spending the entire day exhausted...It feels like I'm just beyond even postponing thinking about this until tomorrow.
I just really don't know.