No words/too many words
My father in law died on Sunday night from a massive heart attack. He was 58 years old.
The phone rang at 11:50pm, Sunday night. It's never good news when the phone rings at almost midnight on a weeknight. The Academic Husband answered, and I sat still. It was his mom, and for a moment, just a moment, my brain went to the SIDS place. My newest nephew is only 30 days old, and I thought oh God, something's happened to him. I went quiet, I listened to the boy talk to his mother.
She didn't say anything about why she was calling, just calmly told him that she needed him to come to the house right away. Calmly, he told her he would, and he grabbed his phone and his keys and headed for the car. I told him to call when he could.
I knew. Somehow, I knew, right then, that it was going to be my father in law... that he was gone. It just... it had to be him. If it had been my nephew, or another family member, she would have told us over the phone. If Tim was hurt or sick, she'd tell us to meet her at the hospital. She said for the AH to come to their home. There was no other reason to tell him that.
I waited. I emailed fiercy and she was awake, and I calmly panicked at her for 20 or 30 minutes, waiting for the boy to call. And he did, and even before he said it, I knew... but I was still shocked to hear him say it, stunned to hear the words. "My dad is dead." And the sound of his voice... the shock and the disbelief and hearing him say it, knowing he was hearing him say it out loud for the first time and that he didn't believe it himself... it just...
It just.
My mother in law went to sleep before him, which she usually did, and she woke up 90 minutes later and he wasn't there, which wasn't usual. She went looking, and he wasn't anywhere. She finally found him face down in the driveway. She screamed, she called 911, she did CPR.
He was already cold.
The police and paramedics came, but there was nothing, absolutely nothing they could do. Later, we were told that it was so sudden, so devastating, that if my doctor brother in law had been an arm length away from him when it happened, he wouldn't have been able to save him. His arms were at his sides, he hadn't even been able to stop himself from falling. The doctor and the coroner believe that he was unconscious or dead before he hit the ground, and if he wasn't already, he was gone very soon after.
The police made her call someone, and she called the AH. She made it until he got there, and then she just... shattered. They met in high school, like the AH and I did. They were married at 19 and 21, the AH was born a year later. They didn't just love each other... they were still in love. They were adorable and loving and unfailingly kind to each other. He adored her, thought she was the most beautiful, most amazing woman alive. She adored him. She's 56 years old, four children, six grandchildren, and the only man she's ever loved is gone.
There's so much more I want to say about him, about how all of this went down. I think I'll have to, to get it out of my head if nothing else. The funeral is tomorrow, and this isn't the same as losing an elderly or sick grandparent, where you have time to grieve, where you can comfort yourself knowing that it was their time, that they were ready to rest. He wasn't ready. We weren't ready. This is not, in any way, okay. I am not all right. None of us are. And it's okay that we're not okay.
I'm angry. I'm tired. I miss him so fucking much that I can't even process it right now. He was one of the best, kindest people I've ever known. I've known him since I was 15 years old and dating the Academic Boyfriend. Over half my life, he's been part of my family, and without warning, he's gone.
It's not all right. I am not okay. But it's not my turn yet. It's my mother in law's turn, the Academic Husband, who has just inherited the role of patriarch in this branch of the family. The king is dead, long live the king, and he wasn't ready. I don't know if we ever are truly ready, but he's not. I'm not. And it breaks my heart that my kids are so little that this amazing man who loved them so much, who they adored, will slip away from their memories.
It's not okay. I'm not okay. But tomorrow, we say goodbye to my father in law, and we start trying to learn how to live without him.
The phone rang at 11:50pm, Sunday night. It's never good news when the phone rings at almost midnight on a weeknight. The Academic Husband answered, and I sat still. It was his mom, and for a moment, just a moment, my brain went to the SIDS place. My newest nephew is only 30 days old, and I thought oh God, something's happened to him. I went quiet, I listened to the boy talk to his mother.
She didn't say anything about why she was calling, just calmly told him that she needed him to come to the house right away. Calmly, he told her he would, and he grabbed his phone and his keys and headed for the car. I told him to call when he could.
I knew. Somehow, I knew, right then, that it was going to be my father in law... that he was gone. It just... it had to be him. If it had been my nephew, or another family member, she would have told us over the phone. If Tim was hurt or sick, she'd tell us to meet her at the hospital. She said for the AH to come to their home. There was no other reason to tell him that.
I waited. I emailed fiercy and she was awake, and I calmly panicked at her for 20 or 30 minutes, waiting for the boy to call. And he did, and even before he said it, I knew... but I was still shocked to hear him say it, stunned to hear the words. "My dad is dead." And the sound of his voice... the shock and the disbelief and hearing him say it, knowing he was hearing him say it out loud for the first time and that he didn't believe it himself... it just...
It just.
My mother in law went to sleep before him, which she usually did, and she woke up 90 minutes later and he wasn't there, which wasn't usual. She went looking, and he wasn't anywhere. She finally found him face down in the driveway. She screamed, she called 911, she did CPR.
He was already cold.
The police and paramedics came, but there was nothing, absolutely nothing they could do. Later, we were told that it was so sudden, so devastating, that if my doctor brother in law had been an arm length away from him when it happened, he wouldn't have been able to save him. His arms were at his sides, he hadn't even been able to stop himself from falling. The doctor and the coroner believe that he was unconscious or dead before he hit the ground, and if he wasn't already, he was gone very soon after.
The police made her call someone, and she called the AH. She made it until he got there, and then she just... shattered. They met in high school, like the AH and I did. They were married at 19 and 21, the AH was born a year later. They didn't just love each other... they were still in love. They were adorable and loving and unfailingly kind to each other. He adored her, thought she was the most beautiful, most amazing woman alive. She adored him. She's 56 years old, four children, six grandchildren, and the only man she's ever loved is gone.
There's so much more I want to say about him, about how all of this went down. I think I'll have to, to get it out of my head if nothing else. The funeral is tomorrow, and this isn't the same as losing an elderly or sick grandparent, where you have time to grieve, where you can comfort yourself knowing that it was their time, that they were ready to rest. He wasn't ready. We weren't ready. This is not, in any way, okay. I am not all right. None of us are. And it's okay that we're not okay.
I'm angry. I'm tired. I miss him so fucking much that I can't even process it right now. He was one of the best, kindest people I've ever known. I've known him since I was 15 years old and dating the Academic Boyfriend. Over half my life, he's been part of my family, and without warning, he's gone.
It's not all right. I am not okay. But it's not my turn yet. It's my mother in law's turn, the Academic Husband, who has just inherited the role of patriarch in this branch of the family. The king is dead, long live the king, and he wasn't ready. I don't know if we ever are truly ready, but he's not. I'm not. And it breaks my heart that my kids are so little that this amazing man who loved them so much, who they adored, will slip away from their memories.
It's not okay. I'm not okay. But tomorrow, we say goodbye to my father in law, and we start trying to learn how to live without him.