I am not fine. Wow, that was hard to say.
I have an updatey 'how is this my life?!?!?!' post that I started and saved back on June 16 to complete and post. Something's telling me that the details contained within might just be a little bit outdated.
I am sick. I have been sick since September. I have the sinus infection that will.not.die. I've been treated for it with three separate antibiotics, and I am finally somewhat better, and yet still not cured, so I've got another two weeks worth of the antibiotic that is (slowly) working, while at the same time making me feel like ass on a Triscuit.
My doctor and I are Concerned about my immune system being for shit, so I get to go do blood work to rule out stuff and things. That's always fun, because I have this incredibly hilarious reaction to getting blood drawn--I faint. It's kind of bizarre, really--I don't panic, I don't hyperventilate. I just sit there, looking away, I feel my heart hit my boots, and then PFFT, down I go. We have learned, the lab techs and I, that the best way to avoid this, and the ensuing freaking out that people do when you faint, is to put me on a cot, instead of sitting upright, while they take my blood. Really, it's just better for everyone this way.
We are also Concerned that my continuing exhaustion/sick/general immune system fail might be more of a burn out thing than an underlying physical issue thing. It might also be some unholy combination of the two, which really would be my luck. So, we do the tests, we determine the physical side of things first, and then we move on from there with what's next.
I have some smart friends who (apparently, and I believe them) have been worried about me for some time, and have been trying to make suggestions about things I could do to alleviate stress/acknowledge that I am feeling stress. These comments and suggestions have been going WOOSH over the top of my head. I can't even say that I've been hearing what they've been saying and ignoring or discarding it--I've been completely and utterly clueless because There Is Nothing Wrong. No, seriously guys, I'm FINE. It's just that work is busy/the kids are insane and have forgotten how to sleep/the house is messy and it's irritating me. But I'm Fiiiiiiiiine!
(Side note: I am not fine.)
Two nights ago, I was up at zero-dark thirty completely freaking out about the fact that I was still sick. I'd wound myself up into utter panic about why my immune system was not cooperating, and what might be wrong with me, and just basically completely losing my brain. This is bad. What was good is that I was finally ready to listen instead of letting people's concerns go WOOSH over my head. fiercy sent me an article on burnout vs stress, and I read it and if I'd had a printed copy, I would have been highlighting or circling over and over again, because it just felt like I was looking at my own life right there on the screen.
I've been sick, and having to stay home from work, and feeling horrifically guilty about not being at work, and worrying about what people will think of me for being sick and not being at work, and even though I have been seeing my doctor and I'm loaded up on antibiotics trying to kill this thing, and what if they think I'm faking, and what if it's something worse, and *cue paper bag*.
So I went to the doctor yesterday, like I said, and he was, like I also said, Concerned. And he felt that I was sick enough to warrant taking a week to ten days off of work. And instead of blowing him off... I said yes, and let him give me the note.
I emailed my bosses, told them what the note said, and that the Academic Husband would be in later with the actual physical note so they had it. And I'm still worried about what people are thinking about me, and if they think I'm full of shit, and that I should just blah blah bootstraps pulling up, and I'm worried about what it's going to be like when I actually do go back to work in a week or ten days.
But I'm taking the time anyway.
And I said this to someone last night, but I'm kind of pissed at myself for how guilty I feel for not being in there. For that particular job, I have done nothing but step up and work myself to bits when called for. I learned how to do the job I'm doing all on my own, without training, because the person I first took over for back in the day broke her ankles and was hospitalized, and there was no one else to do it. So I learned it, and I did it. When the same woman moved on to another position and I got the job for real, I spent literally months cleaning up the clusterfuck that she'd left in her wake. And over a year ago now, when Crazy McBatshit got kicked out of our office, I did my job, and her job, for the better part of six months, and part of her job and all of mine for a further three months until the new person was officially hired and fully trained.
I'm not saying they owe me this one? But they totally owe me this one.
Okay, maybe I am saying it.
So. I'm sick. I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated, and I'm feeling guilty, and I'm trying not to be pissed off about it.
I'm also finally doing something about it, and I'm asking for help.
(Help, btw, is both a literally and metaphorical four-letter word in my particular universe. And yes, I am a completely insane hypocrite about this, because the people in my life could so easily point out that when it's them, I'm the first one to tell them that they can't help anyone else if they don't put their own oxygen mask on first. Because I would be saying that, I do say that. I SUCK at doing it for myself. Because I'm fiiiiiiiiine!
Yeah, except no. Still not fine.)
Part of my whole working on this/getting better/acknowledging that this is actually a thing process is that I'm going to try and write more. Just in general, I need to get my words out of my brain. I need to vent, I need to fangirl, I need to bitch, I need to babble. I know that this is something that helps me.
I mean, who knows, maybe my words are all caught up in my sinuses and this is why the sinus infection won't go away! That sounds like sound medical reasoning, doesn't it? No? Maybe not?
Anyway... I'm going to try and make myself talk more so I'm not keeping my stress inside. This is for me, and you're welcome to read, or not read, comment or not comment, depending on where all of you are in your life right now. Look after yourselves like I haven't been--if it's going to stress you out to read me going BLAH all over the page about all the shit that's trapped up in my head, then please take care of yourselves and don't read it. I won't be offended, I promise.
Let's all try and take a little better care of ourselves. We're the only us that we have.
I am sick. I have been sick since September. I have the sinus infection that will.not.die. I've been treated for it with three separate antibiotics, and I am finally somewhat better, and yet still not cured, so I've got another two weeks worth of the antibiotic that is (slowly) working, while at the same time making me feel like ass on a Triscuit.
My doctor and I are Concerned about my immune system being for shit, so I get to go do blood work to rule out stuff and things. That's always fun, because I have this incredibly hilarious reaction to getting blood drawn--I faint. It's kind of bizarre, really--I don't panic, I don't hyperventilate. I just sit there, looking away, I feel my heart hit my boots, and then PFFT, down I go. We have learned, the lab techs and I, that the best way to avoid this, and the ensuing freaking out that people do when you faint, is to put me on a cot, instead of sitting upright, while they take my blood. Really, it's just better for everyone this way.
We are also Concerned that my continuing exhaustion/sick/general immune system fail might be more of a burn out thing than an underlying physical issue thing. It might also be some unholy combination of the two, which really would be my luck. So, we do the tests, we determine the physical side of things first, and then we move on from there with what's next.
I have some smart friends who (apparently, and I believe them) have been worried about me for some time, and have been trying to make suggestions about things I could do to alleviate stress/acknowledge that I am feeling stress. These comments and suggestions have been going WOOSH over the top of my head. I can't even say that I've been hearing what they've been saying and ignoring or discarding it--I've been completely and utterly clueless because There Is Nothing Wrong. No, seriously guys, I'm FINE. It's just that work is busy/the kids are insane and have forgotten how to sleep/the house is messy and it's irritating me. But I'm Fiiiiiiiiine!
(Side note: I am not fine.)
Two nights ago, I was up at zero-dark thirty completely freaking out about the fact that I was still sick. I'd wound myself up into utter panic about why my immune system was not cooperating, and what might be wrong with me, and just basically completely losing my brain. This is bad. What was good is that I was finally ready to listen instead of letting people's concerns go WOOSH over my head. fiercy sent me an article on burnout vs stress, and I read it and if I'd had a printed copy, I would have been highlighting or circling over and over again, because it just felt like I was looking at my own life right there on the screen.
I've been sick, and having to stay home from work, and feeling horrifically guilty about not being at work, and worrying about what people will think of me for being sick and not being at work, and even though I have been seeing my doctor and I'm loaded up on antibiotics trying to kill this thing, and what if they think I'm faking, and what if it's something worse, and *cue paper bag*.
So I went to the doctor yesterday, like I said, and he was, like I also said, Concerned. And he felt that I was sick enough to warrant taking a week to ten days off of work. And instead of blowing him off... I said yes, and let him give me the note.
I emailed my bosses, told them what the note said, and that the Academic Husband would be in later with the actual physical note so they had it. And I'm still worried about what people are thinking about me, and if they think I'm full of shit, and that I should just blah blah bootstraps pulling up, and I'm worried about what it's going to be like when I actually do go back to work in a week or ten days.
But I'm taking the time anyway.
And I said this to someone last night, but I'm kind of pissed at myself for how guilty I feel for not being in there. For that particular job, I have done nothing but step up and work myself to bits when called for. I learned how to do the job I'm doing all on my own, without training, because the person I first took over for back in the day broke her ankles and was hospitalized, and there was no one else to do it. So I learned it, and I did it. When the same woman moved on to another position and I got the job for real, I spent literally months cleaning up the clusterfuck that she'd left in her wake. And over a year ago now, when Crazy McBatshit got kicked out of our office, I did my job, and her job, for the better part of six months, and part of her job and all of mine for a further three months until the new person was officially hired and fully trained.
I'm not saying they owe me this one? But they totally owe me this one.
Okay, maybe I am saying it.
So. I'm sick. I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated, and I'm feeling guilty, and I'm trying not to be pissed off about it.
I'm also finally doing something about it, and I'm asking for help.
(Help, btw, is both a literally and metaphorical four-letter word in my particular universe. And yes, I am a completely insane hypocrite about this, because the people in my life could so easily point out that when it's them, I'm the first one to tell them that they can't help anyone else if they don't put their own oxygen mask on first. Because I would be saying that, I do say that. I SUCK at doing it for myself. Because I'm fiiiiiiiiine!
Yeah, except no. Still not fine.)
Part of my whole working on this/getting better/acknowledging that this is actually a thing process is that I'm going to try and write more. Just in general, I need to get my words out of my brain. I need to vent, I need to fangirl, I need to bitch, I need to babble. I know that this is something that helps me.
I mean, who knows, maybe my words are all caught up in my sinuses and this is why the sinus infection won't go away! That sounds like sound medical reasoning, doesn't it? No? Maybe not?
Anyway... I'm going to try and make myself talk more so I'm not keeping my stress inside. This is for me, and you're welcome to read, or not read, comment or not comment, depending on where all of you are in your life right now. Look after yourselves like I haven't been--if it's going to stress you out to read me going BLAH all over the page about all the shit that's trapped up in my head, then please take care of yourselves and don't read it. I won't be offended, I promise.
Let's all try and take a little better care of ourselves. We're the only us that we have.